to ask why some people NEVER ASK QUESTIONS !!!

[stressedout1994]

Just that really! I always hear friends complaining about going on dates with men who never ask questions - they can rattle through a 20 minute schpiel about themselves without pausing to breath or ask a single question!

I have a friend who never, ever asks any questions. It makes her seem really myopic and self-absorbed. I know it sounds uncharitable, but it has got markedly worse since she had children. WIBU to stop seeing her because I find it a bit irritating?

Yep, I am AuADHD and conversations are so hard. I don't understand the rules. Been told shouldn't be nosy or pry, but I definitely have been told that sharing similar stories when somebody tells me something (which means I'm trying to show eympathy) just seems rude and self-obsessed. I either cut people off or never say a word as I don't understand when to jump into a conversation. I can't make eye contact, because if I make myself do it I'll forget how to speak. If you ask me how I am, I'll either actually answer in detail and at great length, which is boring, or I have learned some instances where that's not appropriate, so I'll just reply fine and then stop, which then just seems rude and stand-offish. I'll never suggest seeing or meeting up with someone even though I'd love to, because I was rejected so many times as a child, I work on the basis that no one wants to be friends.

It's exhausting and confusing and I'm mid-40s so it's probably as good as it gets. Thank goodness DH is also autistic!

I’ve been thinking about Emma Barnett’s piece as I’ve been on a group holiday.

and tbf some of the women have been as bad as some blokes. I don’t mean monologuing but just never asking anything about you. It really wearing - feeling like I’m interviewing people.

I think a lot of it is shyness, social awkwardness or lack of emotional intelligence. Was at a table of around 6 people I didn’t know that well. I stopped asking questions and we sat in silence.

It's nuts isn't it OP!
I can ask questions until the cows come home. I mean, I have to do it for work and have even been trained in how to ask open questions, so I can keep conversation going endlessly. I have to entertain clients who I might not like, and I can also keep conversation going in that circumstance too. And I tend to just generally be interested in people and their life experiences.
But some people seem to have zero interest in other people and zero question-asking ability.
For anyone reading, who wants to get better at this by the way, just ask "And you?" once you've finished speaking.

Ha, it is indeed me!

But I can tell you plenty about my friends, their kids, their jobs (and in the case of my in laws, hours of content about people they know that I’ll never meet).

Because they start a topic with sentences like “oh I never told you about…” or “have I seen you since…” or maybe I tel a story about what happened at work and they respond with a similar story about their sister, who also went on holiday so I talk about my holiday and then they talk about theirs.

It would seem weirdly contrived for them to tell me about a recent holiday abroad, for them to go “and now your turn to tell me about a holiday you’ve been on please”. What if I don’t want to talk about it, or haven’t been on one because I can’t afford it?!

In fact, I’m generally quite private so I bet I can tell you more about my friends’ jobs, families and colleagues than they can tell you about mine…

Your first paragraph is interesting, I'd not thought of it like that. I have a colleague who has done everything so if you mention something he just tells you what he's done and doesn't ask anything so you never have a real conversation. One of my team was sat with him in a pub and said at the end of the "conversation" I bet he doesn't know one thing about me he just monologed. I always say to her that it's because he is insecure and has to say what he has done but the fact he may not want to hear what others have done as well is food for thought.

Eugh yes. I'm autistic too and find this so hard. I always forget to ask people questions and have learnt that all NT folks want when they share a story is someone to say 'Oh that's so terrible!' or 'I'm so sorry that happened to you.' rather than me sharing a story in return that demonstrates that I understand how they feel 🤷🏻‍♀️

You know, I had thought about staring a thread about me holding a grudge against my MIL (I have trouble letting go of grudges). She does ask me the occasional question and talk about her own interests all the time but it has so pissed me off about just how little interest she has shown when I told her my dad has dementia. Zero follow up questions. Nothing I filled in the awkward silence by mentioning a few issues. Nothing. I mentioned how my mum was coping. Nothing. She could not give a fuck. And of course I then replayed in my mind lots of times from the past when I realise that she's never been all that interested in anything other than her own family and hobbies.

Of course, the afternoon that I told about my dads diagnosis she had spent god know how long talking a about her cousins operation, her brothers stroke, a breakdown of what she bought in Tescos that week and what has gone up in price ..... I tell her something important to me, she says fuck all.

I know I should let it go and I know from reading here that her attitude is probably fairly common but it really hurt me and I take hurt feelings quite badly

FIL only ever asks ‘how are you?’ Or ‘ok?’. That’s terrible too 😄 Yes/No/OK questions aren’t the best. He may as well not ask tbh as it’s a filler and he doesn’t care about the answer.

I once met a potential new friend for coffee outside of the activity where I usually saw her weekly. She talked at me about herself for 2 hours solid and asked me nothing. By the time we left i knew her life story and she didn't even know how many children I had. I managed to interject a few times, but it was always turned back to her. It was a real eye opener. I did stay friendly with her, but only within the hobby group where I met her. I knew that I was never going to take it to a more personal 1-1 friendship after that 'first date.'

Sometimes, in an actual date scenario, I think men can feel nervous and as if they are being assessed, like a job interview. They may be so focused on trying to sell themselves to you as an eligible bloke that they forget to actually spend some time finding out about you and whether they are even into you or not.

If I’ve been telling somebody about my holiday, I’ve just got back from, after a while I would realise I was talking too much and stop and say “what have you been up to “or “when is it you’re going away again?” or something like that

😂

I ask my friends lots of questions and am genuinely interested in their life. However, I really struggle with having the same interest with people I don't know that well like new work colleagues so it is not natural at all for me to be inquisitive.
I have to really dig in to ask the questions as I am entirely aware that it's nice to be interested. However I'm just not. It's a shame really as I know that they could be a potential future friend, but, as I say, working on it..

Remember one meet up with in laws realised I was tired of keeping the conversation flowing so mirrored fil. After about 10
minutes it was “are you ok you’re being quiet” etc. So its acceptable for him to sit ithere in silence but I am obliged to be the entertainment / ask chatty questions etc. Got it 🙄.

That's interesting. I think there is a fine line between grilling/interrogating someone and showing a healthy interest in their life. If you perhaps lack confidence or are not good at picking up on social cues you might avoid questions altogether rather than risk seeming rude or invasive, like the Spanish Inquisitor.

The art of conversation is a learnt skill. It's just as bad to ask too many questions as to ask none at all. the balance comes more naturally to some than to others.

I had a friend who did nothing but ask questions, quick fire one after the other, no conversation at all, by the time you answered one question she'd lined up three or four follow ups. It felt like an interrogation. I guess everyone is different in how much they ask and how much they just splurge everything about themselves. I think either extreme is probably nervousness, filling the non-existent pause.

Dont the monologuers realise how rude they are being?They are the centre of the universe apparently.I had one like that for years till I couldn't stand it any longer.It made me feel totally worthless and less than.I feel much happier without the dread of meeting up and being talked at.
I finally realised this person could not care less about me so why should I put up with sitting in silence for a couple of hours every week.
It was the most hurtful,insulting,degrading feeling to realise someone I thought was a friend was not in any way.

But I think though generally the people who don’t ask questions are generally poor listeners - asking questions is one way of showing interest, but it can also be shown by general encouragement and interest.

Interestingly enough one of the first things you’ll learn on a listening skills course is to really pull back on asking questions, because that directs the conversation in the way you want it to go instead of giving space to the other person to speak.

Someone monologuing isn’t about their ability to ask questions, someone not showing an interest in you isn’t about not asking questions, someone answering with a one word answer isn’t about their ability to ask questions. They may be disinterested, be a very private person, they may not like you, they may be socially awkward. It’s not about their ability to ask a question and them suddenly asking you lots of questions won’t make them good conversationalists.

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Men on dates who don't ask questions don't care what you have to say. They've already decided in the first 30 seconds based on your appearance that they want sex with you, and the hours of bla bla bla that follows is them trying to make themselves sound like the sort of person you'll agree to have sex with. Your friend? More interested in herself than in you. (Which is true for the date men also.)

We had a paying guest once who never asked questions.

So we would say “how was your day” she answered at length. Never ONCE in two weeks did she ask us even one polite question. All about her. Professional lady so not daft. By the end of the stay we both wanted to kill her.

I've been accused of asking too many questions in the past , but I see it as being interested in the person and wanting to know more about them and what they are up to etc especially if I haven't seen them for ages. Also depends on the relationship with the person how well you know them and so on as to how much to ask or enquire, of course I wouldn't ask too much of someone I don't know or only just met! It's just pleasantries then.
I also don't like people who give very little away about themselves , I've found they tend to listen then hold things against that person in the future ( if you confide anything to them )
Known a few like that historically too and they can be a bit clandestine.
It has to be a balanced thing having a connection or conversation , a two way street with an element of trust thrown in.
The art of small talk or conversation is dying out I think. Mostly because of phones / social media.
Some just like chatting about themselves and their lives.
It's their favourite subject.

Absolutely true!

I find only socially awkward people treat conversation like a tennis match where you constantly bat questions back all the time. It feels stilted. If you want to say something just bloody say it, don’t wait to be asked. Then they can say what they want in response. It’s a good system and means you don’t have to spend ages eliciting information from people

Interestingly enough one of the first things you’ll learn on a listening skills course is to really pull back on asking questions, because that directs the conversation in the way you want it to go instead of giving space to the other person to speak.

Agree

They should need to be asking loads of questions though. It's a two way street. If you give one word answers and don't elaborate, or don't take the opportunity to ask a similar question back, then they are left with one of three options. Either bombard you with more questions, or talk too much about themselves, or the third option, sitting in awkard silence.

Most people who ask loads of questions would only do so if they felt that you were enjoying the opportunity to open up to someone who was genuinely interested in what you had to say about your job or your hobby or your life experiences or whatever. No-one with any emotional intelligence would keep firing questions at you (or talking at you) while ignoring your body language that said you found it intrusive or boring.

I know a woman in my wider friendship group who I get on great with in a crowd but I find her hard to talk to 1-1. She just doesn't bring anything. It's one sentence answers and she doesn't ask any questions back, so you are left hanging, feeling like you need to fill the space rather than stare blankly at one another. It's weird, there's just nothing behind the eyes. She's not shy or stupid and she's not giving off unfriendly vibes, so I don't know why it's such hard work. She looks back at me as if it's my job to keep the conversational balls in the air and it's exhausting. I've known her for years and yet I really don't know her at all. I couldn't tell you anything about her interests or opinions. I'm not sure she even has any. I guess I would say she's just really boring.