To think his undiagnosed ADHD is too much for me?

[NotGreatExpectations]

My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 so are very much ‘in the trenches’ in terms of parenting and this past year has been the hardest in our relationship.
I work in education and know for certain my husband would be diagnosed with ADHD if he actually had the guts to see a GP but he refuses.
There are so many things he does that make me unhappy (I am getting my ducks in a row and think I can financially leave within a year) but wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable for not supporting him more, especially given my job and what I know about these conditions. It’s very easy to advise others on how to support their kids but much harder to do this myself when physically living with this adult.
some of the things he does:
-becomes obsessed with things such as motorbikes, a film/tv series and will be fixated on this for a few weeks. Will either research motorbikes, buy one etc or binge watch this film/tv series over and over. Most recently this was paranormal so spent hours researching ghosts and binge watching YouTube clips, reading online forums. Has done this before with UFOs, vintage cars, a state in America, piercings etc. makes no difference what the ‘thing’ is, he just becomes obsessive.
-will promise to do a chore/errand and then never follow through on this meaning I’m constantly pissed off or disappointed
-struggles to have serious chats so our rows get swept under the carpet as he will avoid eye contact or walk away or get angry
-have very angry outbursts and be defensive if I highlight something he hasn’t done. Then will calm down a few minutes later and apologise profusely but as he does this so often I struggle to forgive him immediately so then he gets annoyed at me not forgiving straight away and the argument continues.
-when we socialise he goes to extreme but either having to get really drunk and loud/cocky or he will be sat very quiet and introvert if sober, and simply cannot communicate. If we have people over he will isolate himself and watch TV (which is very rude, but not his intention) and only relax when they go.

There are more behaviours but these are the first few that sprung to mind!
it’s a lot to live with, especially with young kids.

You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you like, and I think being unhappy is a pretty good reason.

The root cause doesn’t matter. You’re not there to parent him or fix him. You need to show your kids what a partnership is so they can lead healthy lives. If he is failing to be a partner (which he is) then you have every reason to leave and take care of yourself. Good luck

I have severe ADHD. It's really hard to have a condition that basically makes you difficult and a failure, and for it to be totally out of your control and nobody to understand.

That said, he's not even tried to improve, and you're not obligated to be his carer. The sickness and health vow isn't fair if the sick party has not made the slightest attempt at improving their situation.

Also as previous posters said you can leave for any reason you want.

"wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable for not supporting him more"

'Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.' Advice read here, that I think fits your situation. The cost to your health of staying is far too high.

You are a person in your own right, not a support animal for him. You are very much not being unreasonable to leave a man who is making you unhappy.

People with ADHD run the full spectrum from cunt to lovely, same as people without ADHD. You are actually being far too forgiving, putting all his cunty behaviour down to his ADHD.

Are you sure its ADHD?

I was diagnosed eith ADHD last year, I'm on a waiting list for an ASD assessment and my DC are suspected ASD and suspected ADHD ( waiting lists too ) and his behaviour sounds more like ASD than ADHD.... no eye contact, special interests, drinking to excess to mask

If it is ASD, I hate to say it but yes youd be better off leaving.

I'm just going off my personal experiences in life ( step dad and dad undiagnosed ASD ) but I think it's near enough impossible for the men with ASD to change, more so if they have never received any sort of support in the earlier years

I agree with previous poster that it sounds more like ASD possibly (based on my diagnosed son). I think I possibly have ASD but am not going for diagnosis as an adult as I've seen just how long it took for my son - three years and a lot of appointments.

Also bear in mind that there is very little support after you do get a diagnosis, at least in my experience. My son gets support from his school but zero from the NHS.

Can you explain that his behaviour is making you so unhappy you're considering leaving him and see if - in the light of that - he'll agree to get assessed for ADHD/ASD.

Going private would be much quicker. Expensive, but a lot cheaper than a divorce.

The right medication and strategies could transform both your lives.

I have found the adult waiting lists a lot quicker than the childrens

I got in contact with my GP on the 25th March this year about possibly having ASD and I have an assessment with ASD Axia in July this year.

With the ADHD assessment I was only on a waiting list for a year

My children have been 2 years so far

Maybe he'd agree to get assessed. Or maybe he'd ramp up the unpleasantness and put obstacles in OP's way to force her to stay.

I think she's much better off just getting her ducks in a row in the background, under the radar.

I agree with earlier posters. It sounds more like autism than ADHD tbh (Dc are diagnosed ADHD).

Some of that doesn’t sound like ADHD on its own. The fixated thing isn’t typical for a start but he might have other things going on. A refusal to go and get diagnosed/treatment would be a deal breaker for me though.

Sounds more like ASD.

ADHD is more related to attention, memory and procrastination etc

@Iwonderifitsso that is good to hear. I think it also varies by what part of the country you live on.

Well ok.

But surely you knew how he was before you got married to him and had 4 children with him? If he's autistic or has ADHD, then this didn't appear overnight? And I think some posters are living in an alternative universes where you can just pitch up to your GP, tell them you've got autism and they'll give you a magic potion to take the nasty behaviour away.

And his behaviour doesn't sound "cunty". The way posters talk, people would think he's hitting you, gambling away your house or having multiple affairs.

But if you're unhappy, then you don't need permission from anyone on here to leave him for any reason you like.

I have ADHD, this sounds more like Autism.

sounds more like AuDHD than just ADHD to be honest.

That being said, i have it, and i recently divorced my ExH who is autistic and refused to do anything about it, while i'm over here getting diagnosis, therapy, meds...etc doing everything i can to be a better person to help raise my AuDHD kids... and he is just.. being a twat, alienating everyone, abusing me, and then expecting me to fix his bullshit. I left him after 17yrs of it.

If a guy is refusing to acknowledge they have issues, or make any attempt to fix them, you're on the highway to hell. Leave.

Some posters are incorrect that this sounds like ASD rather ADHD.

ADHD can have special interests, not make eye contact and self medicating is actually higher in people with ADHD.

You can leave for whatever reason you like. And I think if these behaviours, which are common with people with ADHD, are causing you to feel the way you do, then it's probably best to leave him.

Honestly my first thought was that it sounds like like you don't like him very much and I feel quite sorry for him. You've had 4 dc in 8 years with someone who annoys you because he gets hyper focused on new ideas/interests and reacts to you telling him off. I definitely think you should leave him so he can find someone who accepts him for who he is.

@Flapearedknave is correct, this is exactly how my ADHD effects me. My partner has suspected ASD, and this sounds far more like me than him.

I think if you're not able to accept it, it's best to leave rather than making him feel bad for something that will be very difficult for him to change.

Yes he’s probably ADHD/ASD, he sounds very much like me and I struggle to hold down a relationship unless it’s with someone else with ADHD/ASD who shares my interest and understands that I can hyper fixate on things. TBH not being in a relationship is much less stressful for me. Maybe breaking up is the answer? You can leave him at any time for any reason. If you can’t cope with his behaviours then that’s ok, I wouldn’t expect anyone to stay with me and put up with things they didn’t like.

Book couples therapy. It will be the best possible chance to make him listen while you explain how miserable you are and he must get help or you will leave. Then the ball is in his court.
But if you just want to leave then that's your right too. You don't have to point at a reason.
But you do have to explain it to your kids and if if you say adhd (and like others have said, it sounds like asd tbh) and he gets help after you have left they will be waiting for you to take him back.

I'm twice divorced and have never managed to have a relationship that lasted more than about four years.

I have two beautiful adult DC who are in far longer relationships than I ever managed.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year via NHS. Everything made sense!

Imo, pack your bags and get those ducks sorted. You can either live with this kind of personality or not. Me, I'm far happier being single and chasing my dopamine hits without criticism (not picking at you OP!).

If he did get a diagnosis, would it change anything? (Genuine question, are there treatments that could change things significantly)

Have you not heard of ADHD 'tax'? A total fixation on something, whether playing a song on repeat or finding a new hobby that ££££s are spent on, only for it to be ditched for the latest fixation.