To think his undiagnosed ADHD is too much for me?

[NotGreatExpectations]

My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 so are very much ‘in the trenches’ in terms of parenting and this past year has been the hardest in our relationship.
I work in education and know for certain my husband would be diagnosed with ADHD if he actually had the guts to see a GP but he refuses.
There are so many things he does that make me unhappy (I am getting my ducks in a row and think I can financially leave within a year) but wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable for not supporting him more, especially given my job and what I know about these conditions. It’s very easy to advise others on how to support their kids but much harder to do this myself when physically living with this adult.
some of the things he does:
-becomes obsessed with things such as motorbikes, a film/tv series and will be fixated on this for a few weeks. Will either research motorbikes, buy one etc or binge watch this film/tv series over and over. Most recently this was paranormal so spent hours researching ghosts and binge watching YouTube clips, reading online forums. Has done this before with UFOs, vintage cars, a state in America, piercings etc. makes no difference what the ‘thing’ is, he just becomes obsessive.
-will promise to do a chore/errand and then never follow through on this meaning I’m constantly pissed off or disappointed
-struggles to have serious chats so our rows get swept under the carpet as he will avoid eye contact or walk away or get angry
-have very angry outbursts and be defensive if I highlight something he hasn’t done. Then will calm down a few minutes later and apologise profusely but as he does this so often I struggle to forgive him immediately so then he gets annoyed at me not forgiving straight away and the argument continues.
-when we socialise he goes to extreme but either having to get really drunk and loud/cocky or he will be sat very quiet and introvert if sober, and simply cannot communicate. If we have people over he will isolate himself and watch TV (which is very rude, but not his intention) and only relax when they go.

There are more behaviours but these are the first few that sprung to mind!
it’s a lot to live with, especially with young kids.

I agree it sounds like ASD. Has it always been this way? What’s becoming the tipping point? It sounds like he is burnt out and that’s why it’s getting worse.

Have you been able to discuss diagnosis with him? Would he be willing to put effort in to try and manage things differently? Will this all be a shock to him?

Oh that’s very sad. And yes the anger is the tipping point for me.

He’s probably masked for a long time. It makes me sad as someone with an ASD son but I agree you need to do what’s right for you and your children. However really do try and have a serious conversation with him about this and how you will need to leave.

not unreasonable to find this too much however you are unreasonable to have four kids with someone you say has always been ‘difficult’ then expect it all to be rosy.

@WannabeCatLady

Why should @NotGreatExpectations just cause she is married in a relationship 🤔 to her husband,
have to be like second mother to him too?

when he can't even be arsed to bother to get help to help himself medically therapeutically as a grown up adult who is susposed to be emotionally mature enough for responsibilities of fatherhood then?

Amagine how emotionally exhausting draining it must be with a partner like this plus having 4 children too,
and another grown up child man like her husband to contend with then?

If he cared enough for this marriage and himself,
he would try his best to seek help especially being on spectrum nowadays is more socially acceptable and common.

Women are not societies rehab facilities for men who are either emotionally stunted or and have other issues too,

or

Are societies Arsehole's whisper's, to understand shitty 💩💩💩💩 men's issues and dysfunctional nefarious attitudes and behaviours on planet 🌏 earth,

Just cause you are in a relationship with someone it doesn't mean you are like conjential simese twin joined at the hips,
twinned in matrimony,

You are still an individual with your own thoughts feelings and needs etc..

This is what my (diagnosed) ADHD husband would be like, if he didn't make a conscious effort not to be.
If your DH wants to keep the marriage alive, he needs to either seek a diagnosis or accept he has the condition and work through the problems with you.
There will be stuff you have to accept - e.g Since his diagnosis, I don't now get pissed off at DH promising to do something and then forgetting - I just gently remind him and set a definite time that it gets done, setting a reminder.
If he won't accept it and work with you, and especially if he's angry and aggressive, then you have to end the marriage.
Counselling with an ADHD specialist might help, or we have found the ADHD chatter podcasts useful. But he has to co-operate with you!

The social side of it sounds like ASD. The way I differentiate in my family’s behaviours is ASD is the social and sensory stuff, ADHD is the executive function stuff.

My main concern about leaving would be whether, untreated, he can keep four small kids safe on unsupervised contact visits. Does he also have the forgetful and impulsive symptoms of ADHD? If he does, he needs to seek help because of the kids whether you leave or not.

To the posters arguing about ADHD vs ASD - they often go hand-in-hand and there's research out there to say it's in fact quite a common "crossover".

I just wanted to say I really feel for you. My ex husband was like this. Hyper fixations, meltdowns, I could go on and on. It was extremely hard dealing with him. He too was undiagnosed but our child has combined type ADHD and Autism so now I can see it as clear as day. Unfortunately it also included having sex with a lot of people behind my back and after the last affair, we divorced.

I think you can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want and this is good enough. You are not his carer and if he refuses to help himself then there is absolutely nothing you can do. I've been there. I hope you're able to extract yourself sharpish but be prepared for co-parenting. That was an utter nightmare, he simply couldn't do it and chose to disappear in the end. Frankly, I'm relieved we not longer have to deal with him. I wish you the very best of luck and some well deserved peace

You are correct.

Thank you so much for this response which spoke to me deeply.
The points hit home x

Another one who thinks this sounds more like ASD. My ex is textbook ASD (undiagnosed) and I would never in a million years go near another man on the spectrum. He destroyed everything I was, even after years of therapy I know I'll never be the same. You can either deal with this type of behaviour or not. It was most certainly not for me and both my children are diagnosed ASD. I wish you well OP and sympathise as I know how difficult and lonely it can be.

I totally agree, I wouldn't either, so destructive in so many ways. I am trying so hard to raise my son differently and praying he's not like his father. I feel early diagnosis for him has given me a head start. Like you, the effects have been life changing.

My ex is textbook ASD (undiagnosed) and I would never in a million years go near another man on the spectrum

People are entitled to draw any boundaries they choose in relationships and obviously no-one has to date anyone they don't want to for any reason, but the assumption that all ND men are the same is pretty offensive.

This thread must be quite difficult to read for some ND people so, for the sake of balance, my DH has Autism and ADHD and he is the kindest, funniest and most supportive man I've ever met. He is also a great Dad to our DC, if anything he's more of a natural parent than I am. I don't want to derail the thread, I'd hate anyone who doesn't know much about ND to read this thread and assume all ND people automatically make shit partners because it's simply not true.

OP, you're entitled to end a relationship for any reason. It's clear from your posts you are very unhappy and I can't imagine how frustrating and lonely it must be parenting 4 young children with a man who you don't feel supports you practically or emotionally. YANBU to want him to pursue a formal assessment, but ultimately that's his decision and there's no guarantee that a diagnosis, or even medication for ADHD, would actually change your marriage for the better. Whatever you decide I hope things get better for you.

@neverbeenskiing as someone who is ND with a ND husband, I really appreciate your post

Arseholes are arseholes regardless of whether they have autism or ADHD or are completely neurotypical.

If you've had a bad experience of a person with autism, then that's all you've had. One bad experience. It doesn't mean that all your interactions with autistic people will be bad, and it's incredibly offensive when people suggest that that's the case tbh.

@neverbeenskiing you were referring to my post. I completely understand everyone is different and I too have an ASD son who is so kind, empathic, gentle, funny and all those lovely qualities that go hand in hand with a great relationship, but generally speaking typical high functioning autism is very, very difficult for an NT person in a romantic relationship to navigate successfully and I would urge anyone to tread cautiously. There is a long running support group on the relationships board all about the issues NT partners have in these relationships and the same issues are repeated time and time again by different posters. These issues are the repercussions of the typical high functioning ASD traits and there is no getting around that. There is even a diagnosis called "Cassandra Syndrome" for women who have been in relationships with an ASD partner. It is a form of PTSD and believe me, it is real.

Like @TheFormidableMrsC I am hoping the diagnosis for both my sons will help them in their lives. My ex refuses point blank to even acknowledge that he may be ASD but to me getting my sons the diagnosis and subsequently the help they need will hopefully give them the tools they need to navigate life and relationships more successfully.

It’s certainly taught me what I want and don’t want from a relationship in the future- that’s for sure.
Appreciate the support and sending strength to you, too.

I'm familiar with the Cassandra Complex, it's a Jungian metaphor and wasn't intended to refer specifically to NT partners of ND people, but I understand why many might relate to it. No one in this country is given a standalone diagnosis of Cassandra Syndrome and as for whether it's "real", while I don't think anyone could reasonably doubt that the feelings experienced are real and valid, there is very little evidence of it's clinical significance. Of course some people who have been in abusive relationships will develop PTSD symptoms, whether their abuser was NT or ND. There is no robust evidence that ND individuals are more likely to be abusers, that women domestically abused by ND males are more likely to go on to develop PTSD symptoms or that their symptoms differ from those abused by NT males.

I really don't want to derail OP's thread, I fully accept that being the NT partner of someone with ND can be a difficult and even traumatic experience for some people in some situations. What I take issue with is the generalisation and assumption that all ND men make bad partners.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. I guess I’m questioning how much of his behaviour is somewhat out of his control and a result of some type of ND and how much is just him being an ‘arsehole’.
It’s hard to see where one ends and the other begins.
Also, for balance, I work in education and a lot of kids with extreme ND tendencies are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met.
My own father was severely autistic and a wonderful man.

An assumption which no one here has made?
ASC related behaviour can make relationships difficult for NT partners ('abuse' isn't necessarily anything to do with it) and vice versa. So can MIL issues, unemployment, parenting style clashes, etc etc. That's just a fact.

For those of you saying it ‘sounds like X or Y or Z’, the implication is that anyone who behaves in a similar way must have that condition.
Not every person who shows particular traits is neurodiverse! That would be like saying everyone with a headache must have a brain tumour because brain tumours cause headaches.
OP, if you’re not feeling the love anymore, then you don’t need a reason to leave. Also, it’s completely his decision as to whether he seeks out an assessment. I know my DH would be pretty pissed off if I told him I thought he had ADHD / ASD even though I’m also in education. He’d probably say ‘I’m not one of your pupils, you’re not at school now’ 😂

This sounds like a mix of "personality traits you happen to dislike" and "typical low-level arsehole-husband behaviour", and even if it is ADHD it won't all magically go away if he sees a doctor.

That said, it may be helpful for him to go to the GP, but if the condition means he can't even bring himself to do chores maybe it's also stopping him from arranging an appointment. Perhaps the best thing long-term is to arrange it and take him along yourself.

OP

i have suspected adhd and I sound a lot like your DH. Though I’m seeking help.

Meds can make a big differences, and learned coping skills too.