To think his undiagnosed ADHD is too much for me?

[NotGreatExpectations]

My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 so are very much ‘in the trenches’ in terms of parenting and this past year has been the hardest in our relationship.
I work in education and know for certain my husband would be diagnosed with ADHD if he actually had the guts to see a GP but he refuses.
There are so many things he does that make me unhappy (I am getting my ducks in a row and think I can financially leave within a year) but wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable for not supporting him more, especially given my job and what I know about these conditions. It’s very easy to advise others on how to support their kids but much harder to do this myself when physically living with this adult.
some of the things he does:
-becomes obsessed with things such as motorbikes, a film/tv series and will be fixated on this for a few weeks. Will either research motorbikes, buy one etc or binge watch this film/tv series over and over. Most recently this was paranormal so spent hours researching ghosts and binge watching YouTube clips, reading online forums. Has done this before with UFOs, vintage cars, a state in America, piercings etc. makes no difference what the ‘thing’ is, he just becomes obsessive.
-will promise to do a chore/errand and then never follow through on this meaning I’m constantly pissed off or disappointed
-struggles to have serious chats so our rows get swept under the carpet as he will avoid eye contact or walk away or get angry
-have very angry outbursts and be defensive if I highlight something he hasn’t done. Then will calm down a few minutes later and apologise profusely but as he does this so often I struggle to forgive him immediately so then he gets annoyed at me not forgiving straight away and the argument continues.
-when we socialise he goes to extreme but either having to get really drunk and loud/cocky or he will be sat very quiet and introvert if sober, and simply cannot communicate. If we have people over he will isolate himself and watch TV (which is very rude, but not his intention) and only relax when they go.

There are more behaviours but these are the first few that sprung to mind!
it’s a lot to live with, especially with young kids.

Man not being a good husband / father.

MUST be ASD.

Same old shit. Different day.

Fuck off.

I think that's unfair. My son is Autistic/ADHD. I believe strongly he will do much better finding another Neurodivergent person with similar traits when he's older. I think it's often a bad mix of someone who is Autistic and someone who is Neuro typical just functioning in totally different ways. I understand how it can be hurtful reading comments though if one is themselves Autistic.

Have you heard of PDA? It's another patronising crappy term, but explains a need for autonomy and control that some Autistic people may have. Often you will have alot of challenge and argumentative behaviour that can be difficult to deal with. This is just the truth as hurtful as it may be. I did everything possible to get my son diagnosed. We paid as were fobbed off so much. But I think understanding is the first part.

Another poster made a good point - what difference, if any, would a diagnosis make? I don't know if it would change anything at this point.

I agree that it doesn't really matter what the cause is, you're very unhappy. If it can't be improved or worked upon them you have to do what is right for you.

There is a lot of overlap between asd and adhd, you deserve to be happy.

Amen to that. It's so boring and offensive - not to mention lazy

Some people are just arseholes - it has nothing to do with whether they're neuro-diverse or not.

Sounds very much like ASC ( autism ) a lot of adults are being diagnosed . adhd / ASC traits can over lap.

My husband is autistic. Our relationship came to a head about 6 years ago when I told him he either gets diagnosed, or I leave. He loathes ultimatums, but he did it; lo and behold, autistic.

Since learning this about himself (I say learn, he's always known, really) it has kickstarted something in him. For the first time in 20 years he's introspective. He's reading books about how to communicate with NT people, he's more empathetic and is trying harder with the kids and I to find middle ground, which is something he's struggled with so much.

With the diagnosis existing on paper, and him accepting it, it's made me (and our kids) able to pause and take a breath, give him grace while he catches up and meets us there.

None of this would have happened if he hadn't sought diagnosis and we wouldn't be together right now, I have absolutely no doubt.

There isn't a lot of support for spouses of adults on the spectrum/adhd, there's a lot of shame and judgment thrown at us if we ever complain or vent, I've found.

My advice is, if you are already getting your ducks in a row, telling him it's a diagnosis or separation is worth one last shot.

Whatever you decide OP, and I completely sympathize with your situation, you might need to consider how youll co parent the DC’s. If you split. can he focus on their needs when you’re not there, can he cope assessing risk appropriately, will he be able to keep to a routine that benefits the new family situation?

I know separating might seem like it will be a relief, and it may well be for the best in your case. But you’ll still be relying on him to be an adult and take responsibility. And you won’t be there to step in if it goes south.

Would separating but continuing to live together be an option? (I know that probably sounds like the crappyiest of all worlds).

Diagnosis as an adult nit always 'useful' as often no support, BUT could help him in recognising his behaviours.
You need an honest, non accusatory chat. Tell him how his behaviours etc make you feel and discuss how he feels when he 'thinks you're having a go at him
Talk about the need for this to improve , lay out your options if it doesnt improve.
How can he make the situation better?
What 'tools' can help him?

Personally I'd have to give him the option of trying to improve the situation before I'd leave him.

We have a teenager (not our son) who really struggles with this because in all honesty he's not doing any of it on purpose but we are working with him to understand but that can still be upsetting for the other person. He becomes genuinely upset that you are upset with him because ' he didn't mean too'.

You DH needs to be willing to try and improve the situation but needs to know tgr consequences if not.

Obviously you'll be aware that some of these diagnosis follow in families and I always think how would I like my child to be treated/supported.

You are more than welcome to just read and not respond.
No need to spread your bitter insults. Are you ok?

Thanks for your empathy and sharing.
This is exactly the type of comment that’s helpful advice.
Thank you for this x

You're being ridiculous. So many people have posted on here, including myself, with an undiagnosed (ex) husband and a ND child, which is my situation. I'm not saying for a minute he wasn't an arsehole because he totally was but his very obvious ND issues were an utter bloody nightmare to live with and unmedicated ADHD made my life with him very difficult indeed. To give an example, I came home from work and he'd knocked down half the house to build an extension. No discussion, no planning, the whole house covered in plaster and he couldn't stop, would be up all night "doing" stuff. That is just one example of very very many difficult to manage situations of a similar ilk. The stress was horrendous.

He was a terrible father as once the baby was born, that was another hyperfocus dealt with so he moved onto the next. Zero interest in the actual job of parenting. I don't know how I survived so yes from my perspective neurodivergent people can be extremely difficult. I have parented our child very differently to my NT child with the hope that he manages to have a reasonably calm and stable life. My ex had no such help unfortunately for everybody. And my God I tried.

No, people with autism or ADHD usually need support and if they have a partner, they also function as the carer.

Having two people with ADHD and/or autism wouldn't work because there would be nobody to compensate for the deficits.

In my groups, of the minority who actually have a partner, none of them have an ADHD or autistic partner.

Also diagnosis matters because if OP's partner is diagnosed with ADHD he can be medicated to improve concentration and productivity.

Thanks for this OP, you have described my husband very well!
I the need for mental downtime but I feel like we compete with his phone too often. He'll look up to shout at the kids and then be a Disney dad later. They kids don't want money spent, they want to play.

Thanks for saying this. Our DC, now adults, are definitely displaying signs of ADHD and of course I'd like them to be loved and cherished by a partner and vice-versa. Marriage/partnership is all about communication and compromise.
My DH's diagnosis was a blessing and a curse as he doesn't mask as much now, which is less stressful for him but harder for me to live with at times.
We're still working at it but we both want it to work - that's a position the OP needs to reach.
Wrt housework, gardening etc, we find that 'mirroring' is a good tactic - tackling tasks together keeps him on track. And having a cleaner every few weeks ...

Yes I think diagnosis is really important. I'm all in favour of that. It might not change things here though is all I was highlighting.

Yes that's a really valid point. I guess it depends on level of needs and strengths each person has in the relationship.

This! @NotGreatExpectations OP my DH has ADHD and your post is so eerily spot on (even down to the motorbike video things) that my first thought was my DH had set up an account to write a "reverse" because it sounds like we married the identical man.

No advice. I know it's hard. I know I've pondered if this would be easier on my own on more than one occasion. One thing that helps me is to point blank ignore his new obsessions. It's hugely frustrating that he can spend hours looking at how to fix a motorbike that at both know he's never going to buy, but can't run the fucking hoover round more than once every 6 months. It's shit. But other things aren't

We also have too many children and they all adore him, so this motivates me too keep on. I think it's important that you recognise most women do have these "god I'd have an easier life without him" moments. Some more frequently than others. Half of marriages end in divorce, and don't forget in the half that don't, lots stay together for convenience or to avoid financial ruin.

Good luck, and solidarity xx

I think you have had some unfair responses criticising you for having 4 children with a man who you are finding more difficult than ever....wouldn't it be wonderful if none of us ever made mistakes or bad choices.

Also lots of replies discussing /squabbling about neurodiversity.

I'm not sure any of that is helpful. Essentially, you are in a marriage where you feel unhappy. For whatever reasons your partner disengaged from parenting and isn't being your partner. I would say that is enough of a reason to decide you deserve better. Good luck op!

Lol that’s not true there are plenty of neurodiverse couples who are together and it works well. I think you’re thinking about those individuals you know.

Most of my DD’s friends at uni are ND, many have coupled up. I know many couples that are both ND, most of the people I spend time are ND so I’m not sure how someone can say it’s not the case.
Being ND myself I would rather date someone else who’s ND, I am independent, manage raising 2 teens alone, I don’t need a carer, I don’t need ‘someone to compensate for my defects’, by the way I’m not a defect and I don’t have any, I just do things differently to what society classes as ‘the norm’.

Sorry Newsenmum that was me agreeing with you and disagreeing with slore

Having two people with ADHD and/or autism wouldn't work because there would be nobody to compensate for the deficits.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don't mean to be offensive when you refer to neurodivergent people as having "deficits" 😐

As someone in a neurodiverse marriage, I would say we actually work incredibly well together as we're both very understanding of each others' condition and the impact it has on our daily lives.

I've been in relationships with neurotypical people too and every single time, I have struggled massively as they just didn't get it in the slightest.

You can leave somebody for whatever reason you want. If he's not willing to explore a diagnosis or to try and look into his behaviour I'd be off tbh.

I say this as someone who's long term dp is in the process of therapy and diagnosis, it's been very wearing for both of us.

I do agree with others who say diagnosis is important. If my ex had been diagnosed or even during our marriage had sought out an assessment we could have worked together and I would have understood more but what happened was I was so angry, bitter and resentful of him due to his complete inability to empathise, support, nurture, care, communicate in our marriage. Everything seen as a criticism, nothing could encroach on his life, his hobbies, his friends etc I’ve been single for 6 years now and while I’m lonely sometimes it’s a millIon times less lonely than when I was married to him.

He sounds like me. But I am autistic not ADHD.

Read the first page, didn't see anyone calling out specifically Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which is classic adhd. It makes relationships difficult because minor criticism is perceived as this huge big deal, and me having to frame things in such a way as to avoid an OTT emotional reaction is bloody exhausting.

My partner has a very similar profile to yours but thankfully agreed to medication which has helped a bit with focus and executive function. He also rarely drinks now because the outcome is usually awful for everyone in the vicinity.

It doesn't help at all with the myopic selfishness or inability to have a difficult conversation or accept criticism - that's something he will have to work on himself, and it's really tough.