To think his undiagnosed ADHD is too much for me?

[NotGreatExpectations]

My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 so are very much ‘in the trenches’ in terms of parenting and this past year has been the hardest in our relationship.
I work in education and know for certain my husband would be diagnosed with ADHD if he actually had the guts to see a GP but he refuses.
There are so many things he does that make me unhappy (I am getting my ducks in a row and think I can financially leave within a year) but wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable for not supporting him more, especially given my job and what I know about these conditions. It’s very easy to advise others on how to support their kids but much harder to do this myself when physically living with this adult.
some of the things he does:
-becomes obsessed with things such as motorbikes, a film/tv series and will be fixated on this for a few weeks. Will either research motorbikes, buy one etc or binge watch this film/tv series over and over. Most recently this was paranormal so spent hours researching ghosts and binge watching YouTube clips, reading online forums. Has done this before with UFOs, vintage cars, a state in America, piercings etc. makes no difference what the ‘thing’ is, he just becomes obsessive.
-will promise to do a chore/errand and then never follow through on this meaning I’m constantly pissed off or disappointed
-struggles to have serious chats so our rows get swept under the carpet as he will avoid eye contact or walk away or get angry
-have very angry outbursts and be defensive if I highlight something he hasn’t done. Then will calm down a few minutes later and apologise profusely but as he does this so often I struggle to forgive him immediately so then he gets annoyed at me not forgiving straight away and the argument continues.
-when we socialise he goes to extreme but either having to get really drunk and loud/cocky or he will be sat very quiet and introvert if sober, and simply cannot communicate. If we have people over he will isolate himself and watch TV (which is very rude, but not his intention) and only relax when they go.

There are more behaviours but these are the first few that sprung to mind!
it’s a lot to live with, especially with young kids.

I have suspicions about my husband and this helps inform my understanding of him. He definitely has ASD traits. I do have ADHD though. 1 dc with ADHD and another ASD. If you loved him before is it that everything has changed and he has stayed the same? Are your DC neurotypical? Sometimes understanding how people operate and allowing for difference works but if you don’t like him then diagnosis or no diagnosis he won’t be a different person. Working on certain aspects of task completion and having systems for that might help but overall he won’t be another person so make your decisions on that.

It’s a long road getting diagnosed but worth it in the end as meditation help and the just knowing you have it helps you to realise why you do the things you do …not you but you get what I’m saying sending hugs x

My understanding of the ADHD tax is the cost (often money but time etc as well) when something has to be redone, done differently, an opportunity is lost etc owing to ADHD. My other half is diagnosed and I think of it when we have to rerun the dish washer that was stacked too hastily and nothing is clean, redo washing that was left in the machine and forgotten about, buy new tickets for something booked in a rush on the wrong day etc etc.

The fixation sounds like hyper focus which my OH definitely gets.

You have described my husband barring the drinking. Yes I think you should just run. Wish I had years ago but feel I have left it too late. Am certain he is ASD and have told him but he still hasn’t attempted an assessment. He thinks he is ant and everyone else is wrong! So bloody frustrating and has really effected my life.

This isn't ADHD .. this is more ASD.
please do more research.

Sounds more like ASD

He sounds like me, and I have ASD.
If you'r emiserable and don't want to be with him, you have every right to leave regardless of what condition he may or may not have. You only get one life and you're entitled to do your best to make it a happy one.

'My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 '

🤷🏼‍♀️

Well you have to turn this mess around now for the sake of your children and the only way I can see that happening is if you do split up.

Why did you have 4 children in 8 years with somebody you don't like?

Oh here we go... yet another armchair diagnosis and somebody attributing difficult behaviours to ADHD.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it is ASD, maybe it isn't. Maybe he's just difficult.

Whichever it is, you chose to have four kids with him in a short space of time. Why continue to have so many if he is so difficult to live with? YANBU to leave, you can leave any relationship that makes you unhappy. But please don't start with the armchair diagnosis stuff - I have ADHD myself and it's offensive. I don't present like him at all in terms of behaviours, and I can see many posters saying similar to me.

I think he sounds autistic and I’m sure you are aware that a GP can’t diagnose so finding the guts to see one won’t get him a diagnosis. He may or may not be referred but the waiting times are long and many people are refused an assessment, especially an adult. There isn’t a wonder drug to cure autism so it’s not as if a diagnosis will do anything from that perspective.

With respect, you don’t live in our house and simply have just a few paragraphs of insight into a lengthy relationship.
His hyper focussed interests are frustrating as he can put time and effort into these things but not our children or our home. We get neglected, whilst he researches UFOs for example.
His reactions are aggression/defensiveness and anger. I don’t think that’s ok to do in front of children and to teach them that this is ok or normal.
I have put up with so much over the years, even his own parents support me leaving him and I think he would struggle to find anyone as patient and tolerant as me.

I’m always perplexed by anyone having that many kids -especially all under 8 -who is then not understanding of the amount of strain this can put on a marital relationship. You married someone who “has always been difficult “ so what were your reasons for marrying and having 4 kids with this man? When does having kids ever make life easier? I think relationship counselling is more appropriate at the moment.

I don't think YABU to want to end the relationship, it's a joint venture and it.doesn't sound it's working out for you for many reasons.
Sure there's help for relationship struggles created by ADHD/ASD to learn how to communicate better, makes some adjustments and achieve fairer balance. However It will still rely on him wanting to improve the relationship and be willing to put effort in and he may prefer to suit himself so not really a part of a condition.

As your going to need to coparent with him either way perhaps you feel it is still worth making some effort.

You see a different side with your job but he may still feel there is a stigma to being diagnosed and doesn't want it confirmed.

There are official screeners (ASD AQ50/AQ10 & ADHD ASRS V1.1) and other tests on here which also points out the limitations and that the wording used can sometimes not be helpful to the ND user.
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

However I think he'd likely benefit more from listening to others experiences and realising he relates, he may then make this a special interest, there's loads on YouTube which I prefer to quick reels as gives more in-depth info. The lived asd/ADHD experience is definitely broader than what believed of the conditions when research that used to create the the diagnostics was done.

https://adhduk.co.uk/diagnosis-pathways/ is nice simple guide to seeking referral and if live in England so have the option of Right To Choose pathway of a private provider that holds an NHS contract in England so can treat other NHS patients, which can help significantly cut waiting time. The process is the same for asd too and the RTC page lists providers that offer asd assesments.

There's a lot of overlap between ADHD & ASD plus having both is pretty common, but it certainly sounds like he would benefit from assessment. It's easy to think 'well I've managed so far, what's the point?' but it allows you to understand yourself & needs better, make adjustments and learn more ND friendly ways to overcome the challenges (especially with the crap executive functioning which is feature of both) and allows more self acceptance that it's not a personal failure when things are still a struggle which is much healthier for MH & esteem long term. However in realising you can end up feeling sad about life's lost opportunities and be less willing/able to mask to blend in neurotypical if had done that before as a way of coping (possibly your DH doesn't ).

Yes there's medication with ADHD which if suits you can help, although it's not a cure all and if are AuADHD on treating ADHD symptoms the autistic traits may come more to the forefront. There's very little in official support on offer otherwise post diagnosis for adults your just left to it.

Lots of ND people can function quite well (on the surface, at least) until they find themselves struggling with burnout, then it all falls apart. The problem, it's impossible to know what will trigger you until it happens, and by then, it's often too late.

Even NT people struggle with parenthood - it's very likely that he coped well enough with one (or even two) children, especially if OP was on maternity leave or something and doing the majority of the care. But if the children are now older and require more input, and OP is stretched much thinner, the issues with his condition are likely much clearer and harder to tolerate.

Defensive, much?

How are your 4 kids? Any signs of ASD or ADHD? I am sure it will kick him to get himself diagnosed. **

Thanks very much for a very helpful response.
I genuinely appreciate this.

Nope, none so far.

This.
The symptoms were NOT this way in the beginning. Slight elements but didn’t come to the surface until I went back to work full time. Our third and final child ending up being twins, hence four children.
The older children are starting to notice and comment on how distant and disengaged he is and I’m having to do all the work at home and work full time now our family is complete.
If I ask for help he has good intentions but then forgets a few minutes later and when I reach the point of exasperation, he flips!

Leave him, then. You don’t like the person he is, you don’t think his behaviour is good for your kids and he is unlikely to change. Even if he had a diagnosis of ADHD and even if he was prepared to take medication, he’s not going to transform into someone new. And if he’s autistic, which he may well be, that isn’t something anyone can ‘fix’.

You have a perfectly reasonable and valid idea of the kind of partner you want. You will not mould your husband into that partner. You can speculate all you like about conditions he might have, but having a label for his behaviours will not make them easier for you to live with. If you want to be with someone who isn’t like your partner, you need to leave and find someone who is right for you.

Agree that it could be ADHD. Lots of people with ADHD drink or self medicated, especially if it's bit treated. Comes with higher chance of anxiety as well.

My DH has many of these traits, also believe he had undiagnosed ADHD but also lots of traits that outweigh any negatives (I’d assume im the same). It’s ok if you can’t cope with his behaviours whether they’re ADHD or his personality; I’ve done a lot of reading and it helps me understand and know how to work with some of the traits but equally it doesn’t make some of the others any easier to deal with.

I have little knowledge of ADHD or ASD but I do know that, if you're unhappy being with him, it makes sense to plan a new life for you and the children - well done for being financially savvy and looking to the future. I don't think he needs to be diagnosed as this or that for you to want to move on unless you want to use a diagnosis to explain to him and others why you're leaving him? Anyway, good luck for the future.