AIBU to say no to mentoring a new woman at my work ?

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

Because she stole my boyfriend? I was with one man from being 16 -26. I thought he was the love of my life clearly wasn't! We had our lives mapped out together I got on with his wider family and he mine. I went to uni and met "Elise" on my course. Fast forward to the first Christmas and I went to my boyfriends work Christmas do, she was there and it turns out our boyfriends worked in the same office. We didn't exactly become best mates but did have some of the same mates. Eventually after eight years my boyfriend became distant it turns out he had cheated on me with Elise they'd been on and off for about three years!
We split and went our separate ways, I was too upset to even speak to his family again but was heart broken. I couldn't even face our common friends. She was absolutely horrible to me and told all our friends in common that I hadn't been able to give what she could in bed etc etc.
I got asked to mentor a new starter and agreed to do so, I've done it plenty of times, first day back after the Easter holidays she waltzes into the office and I could tell she recognised me obviously. I didn't know what to say, they have two children now and we have the kind of work place that does social outings with partners included. To be honest I'm happily married with my own family but the weirdness is just palpable. I'm supposed to take her out and introduce her to people and show her around. How the heck would you navigate this. It was nearly 20 years ago now, my heart is way over it but I cannot be arsed with seeing him or being nice to her! Please help me navigate this people!

As others have said just politely decline to mentor her. Definitely do not be tempted to do to it take the high ground- keep as much distance as possible.

yes it was 20 years ago but she behaved disgustingly and I would never trust her or put her in a position to criticise you or get close to you. She wasn’t just immature, she was deliberately cruel - when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I think it's right to stay classy but people rarely change and I would have your guard up.

As a manager, it would be enough for me for a staff member to say "I have got personal history with this person and can't do it" especially if you are a valued member of staff. I'd rather that than any kind of hooraw to kick off later regardless of who started it. If I knew and trusted you very well, I might ask if the history was anything that might bring the business into disrepute but make it clear that I only wanted a yes or no answer and wouldn't mind if you didn't feel you could answer.

You could say to your manager that you have personal history and don't feel comfortable mentoring. If pushed say something that alludes to her character but being one you feel particularly being safe around.

I would genuinely have concerns that she will try to spread rumours to get her story in first about you being a psycho or something.

If she brings anything up 'well it was peculiar that you had an affair with him for years and then decided to bad mouth me as if I was the one to have behaved so appallingly. Quite peculiar.

I never understood why he didn't just break up with me when you first got together. Weird really isn't it. You'd think he'd break up with me the minute he met you....yet he didn't....'

@SpanThatWorld yes but did she do what this woman did which is sleep with your bf for 3years whilst he was with you?
It takes quite an unpleasant person to be that deceitful

Reflecting upon this some more, it is Elise’s professional responsibility to resolve this and clear the air to enable an effective working environment.

So far she hasn’t taken any action. Now, it’s only a few days after her start date. Perhaps she needs the weekend to reflect on it.

She must be aware that the situation is a major issue for team dynamics and trust. It is her responsibility to talk to you, apologise for the past, explore how you can have a healthy working relationship, and take action to make it work. This is a reasonable expectation of a professional person.

If I were team leader and aware of the situation, this is the approach I would take.

It is not within employers remit to judge people for their personal life and distant past,

It is within employers remit to judge their work behaviour now.

I would give her a few more days grace to resolve the situation independently without prompting.

Then if nothing happens, I would arrange a one to one with her and express my concern about her CURRENT behaviour. I would put the onus on her to make a plan to resolve this to enable her to continue her role effectively. If she did not respond positively I would record this formally as a performance issue. I would make reference to relevant policies and her contract, which hopefully contain clauses about expectations for working with others.

I'd be careful op. She was happy to steal your man. He might very to steal your job. Complain that you have it out for her because of (insert her version of events) happened and you are bitter

Oh I'd be dying for the opportunity to mention something about her husband that makes it clear you know him in front of the team. If asked, I'd say, I dated him when I was 16-26. Else dated him when I was 23 to now" 🤣

Just wanted to say you sound great.

This!

Honestly op, I’d do what other posters have suggested and just say that you have personal history and feel uncomfortable about it.

You already have the upper hand now in terms of karma. She is the new girl at your workplace. She will be forever wondering if you will spill the beans on what she did, she will be forever wondering who/ what / when/ or if you have told mutual collages she will be forever wondering what others think of her and if you all talk about her behind her back despite you deciding to keep quiet about it. I’m sure that alone will make her feel uncomfortable.

This 😀 and with a straight face.

I would wait until the first social event and introduce him to everyone as your ex boyfriend who cheated on you.

What would be the point of that? Why pretend you don’t know someone when you clearly do… and the other person clearly knows you know them. I will never understand people who act in this way. I can’t see what it solves. If op pretends she cannot remember Elise then Elise will most likely think she’s off the hook and that op has forgot all about it and it no longer matters. Just seems a rather passive aggressive, mind reader-ish way of achieving nothing.

Elsie 'slept' with him from when I was 23 till now'

I'd also be pretend not to recognise her. If she mentions it, say "oh wow, you've really changed."

Also don't let on you know they are still together. "Thanks so much for what you did for me back then. I didn't see it at the time but John was a real loser (insert all bad qualities here) and if I'd stayed with him I'd never have met my wonderful husband. Funny how life does you a favour sometimes."

Update for anyone still on. I asked my pal to mentor her and explained that I didn't want to go into it but she respected my decision not to tell and went to our manager with the proposal which worked. Elise stopped me in the corridor last week and said that she know that she was wrong, sorry for how it ended up, said that she was not in a position to dictate what I say and do but would value if I didn't tell anyone. I agreed that I wouldn't have any reason to tell its just petty and I'd be making myself look like an idiot. Agreed on a professional relationship and not to talk about ot even to endothermic. Fine by me we have all moved on, I told her how it affected me at the time and she properly apologised. Nicely moved forward I feel, we can at least now be cordial.

Sorry not endothermic I meant eachother.

Wow - that's a proper grown up conversation Really good you got out how it made you feel back then 👏👏👏

That's brilliant OP, well done. Sounds like the perfect result.

@LaurieFairyCake thank you. I so feel very grown up. I'm 42 now so life has moved on but it was quite cathartic.

@@ToxicChristmas thank you it feels like I've come full circle. I gendont bear any ill feeling but it felt good to have an apology and acknowledgement that what happened was wrong. I think she is relieved that I'm not going ro reveal all. I'm better than that.

Yes, it must feel like closure -really freeing. I'm happy for you!

That's a nice outcome because everything's pleasant and you hold the power.