AIBU to say no to mentoring a new woman at my work ?

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

Because she stole my boyfriend? I was with one man from being 16 -26. I thought he was the love of my life clearly wasn't! We had our lives mapped out together I got on with his wider family and he mine. I went to uni and met "Elise" on my course. Fast forward to the first Christmas and I went to my boyfriends work Christmas do, she was there and it turns out our boyfriends worked in the same office. We didn't exactly become best mates but did have some of the same mates. Eventually after eight years my boyfriend became distant it turns out he had cheated on me with Elise they'd been on and off for about three years!
We split and went our separate ways, I was too upset to even speak to his family again but was heart broken. I couldn't even face our common friends. She was absolutely horrible to me and told all our friends in common that I hadn't been able to give what she could in bed etc etc.
I got asked to mentor a new starter and agreed to do so, I've done it plenty of times, first day back after the Easter holidays she waltzes into the office and I could tell she recognised me obviously. I didn't know what to say, they have two children now and we have the kind of work place that does social outings with partners included. To be honest I'm happily married with my own family but the weirdness is just palpable. I'm supposed to take her out and introduce her to people and show her around. How the heck would you navigate this. It was nearly 20 years ago now, my heart is way over it but I cannot be arsed with seeing him or being nice to her! Please help me navigate this people!

’Hi colleagues, this is Elise. She stole my boyfriend twenty years ago and told everyone it was because of her awesome sexual technique. Now Elise, why don’t you tell everyone your side of the story? We’re all dying to hear what your skills can bring to the workplace.’

Or just be icily professional.

Case closed, NFA

You do not understand, it's not about being needlessly antagonistic at all.

On a professional level OP's history with Elise is not a good platform from which to establish a working relationship. It's perfectly legitimate of OP to question how to deal with Elise. This is being professional, and trying to prevent private matters from infringing on work.

On a personal level, you have to be realistic. OP has experienced things that showed that Elise is a bit of a snake. I think, a little too big to give Elise a second chance at upsetting her life.

I know revenge is a dish to be eaten cold, but frankly , after 20 years it will leave bitter ashes in your mouth.

Maybe one quick bitch “ oooh, I always wondered if his dads male pattern baldness would also affect Derek, shame really, some people don’t have the head shape for it. And I see he gave up all his sports. ” OK, maybe not.

I absolutely do understand.

Something awful happened twenty years ago.

But telling everyone else not to be friends is frankly pathetic. And hoping that by being unfriendly you can force someone to walk away from their livelihood is bullying and despicable.

I occasionally cross paths with the woman my fiance dumped me for when I was in my 20s. (It's a small profession; we've worked for the same employer albeit at different times.) It was 30 years ago, she is genuinely lovely and we can talk about our professional lives without any difficulty because we are grown ups. I don't slag her off to my colleagues, I am not "icily polite" and I don't try to keep the anguish going.

OP: I can fully see that you wouldn't want to be in a mentor/mentee role but do it professionally by talking to management and then keeping the details to yourself.

Be aware that the slightest issue, criticism, negative feedback etc from you and she will be onto HR, claiming bullying and harassment by her husband's resentful ex.

You must decline.

Explain it would be inappropriate as you have personal history with her and that this kind of relationship at work could become problematic for the business. They will need to find a different mentor who does not already know her.

Of course it’s awkward now… but it would appear you will be working closely with her for the foreseeable future, so I’d just get on with it. The weirdness of your shared history will fade soon enough.

I personally wouldn’t make this a thing by not mentoring her. But I’m also the queen on compartmentalization so your mileage may vary on that one.

Explain to your manager that she cheated with your partner and whilst you’ll be professional, you don’t want to have anything more than necessary. Let the managers know the values of the person they’ve employed. Don’t lie to protect her.

But telling everyone else not to be friends is frankly pathetic. And hoping that by being unfriendly you can force someone to walk away from their livelihood is bullying and despicable.

Obviously you are right. It's not what should be done and not what I said should be done.
There's a big difference between occasionally crossing paths in a professional context and mentoring someone and working closely with them.
Are you telling us that you would be more than happy to mentor that woman you mention, work with her on a daily basis, walk her through the company's particulars and pretend to all that you find her in every way palatable, really?

Circumstances are whatever they are and not likely to benefit either OP and Elise. I personally wouldn't want to unwittingly set up an employee into such a situation. I would want to know so Elise could have another mentor or probably get rid of her as the whole thing is just not worth the hassle, let alone the discomfort to my employee. OP doesn't have to be a martyr, get over herself and mentor Elise, etc. Can you just imagine?
As for life catching up with Elise, that's Elise's problem, not OP's responsibility.

Well I think once a snake, always a snake.

I think much depends on your team structure and dynamics at work, and your boss’ personality.

If it was my work, I would speak privately to my boss and say “Look, I feel I should let you know that Elise and I have met before, and it would be best if I am not her mentor in terms of welcoming her to the company and so on. Before her husband became her husband, he was my boyfriend for a decade, and frankly there was overlap. It was all a long time ago but there was bad feeling at the time. I’ll be professional and I’m sure Elise will too, but I thought I should make you aware in case you’re wondering why the team dynamics are odd.“

But if you have a humourless boss maybe don’t mention it I dunno. My worry is that she may be a bit of a backstabber who will try to undermine you but hopefully that’s not the case. But I think you should say something before she does.

This!

definitely rise above it. you'll look so much better than reacting and giving her the satisfaction of letting her know it still bothers you 20 years later

I think tell manager you're concerned about it because of the history. Tell manager what the history is if you oike, just because you're concerned that there could be repercussions if things do not go well, but that afayc, it's water under the bridge and you'll be professional. Then do that.

My worry is that she may be a bit of a backstabber who will try to undermine you but hopefully that’s not the case. But I think you should say something before she does.

This - the mentoring I would back out of and depending on who you talk to say a personal issue in past or go into more detail.

I don't think you can refuse to do it without looking unprofessional and like you're letting your personal life interfere with your work.

It's fine for you to feel uncomfortable and refuse to do this.
However, you cannot 'steal' a person.

And to be honest she’s gonna be looking for a new job as she won’t be happy to have you overseeing her… and she will wonder if you’ve told everyone.. introduce her to people … this is xxx, I think I mentioned that she’s a friend of an old friend. Let her squirm wondering if folk know. Karma and all that…. 😂

I would definitely not work with her. I absolutely refuse to mix any sort of personal life - good or bad - with my work. It never ends well.

I actually think it would be unprofesional to not speak up to management and say you don't feel it's appropriate for you to mentor her. If you were my employee, I would expect you to do this.

I'd be more inclined to make some comment at any social function to the ex-boyfriend myself, as he was the one who cheated on you.

It’s very bad luck that she is in your team. It sounds like you have a nice team culture, your team leader sets new starters up with a mentor, and trusts you to help people get on.

Her previous behaviour was really really horrible. It’s very serious and nasty stuff. If she had matured into a decent person she would have quit as soon as she saw you were there. It is very unprofessional of her that she hasn’t resolved it herself. She has no right to assume your forgiveness and professionalism.

In this context, your plan to “go high” and keep things professional is admirable. Best of luck with protecting your team. It’s good that you can let off steam with your husband about it.

Sorry that you have to deal with this. Fundamentally you have a person in your team who you have good reason to believe is untrustworthy. Always a serious problem, for you and your team leader. If you do choose to share information with your team leader make sure there is good HR support.

I know you cant do this because mentoring. But I would act like I didnt know her at all. If she mentioned the ex boyfriend I'd look puzzled and shake my head, nope, no idea.

Then many days or months later, I'd say who were you talking about again? I think I might know who your on about. Then pepper her with questions like was he blond or brown, goatee? Etc. Then eventually figure out who she meant. Oh him yeah I vaguely knew him once.

This sounds hideously awkward! I feel for you OP!

2 options really.

1. Mentor her - she will obviously feel as awkward as you, but eventually it may break the ice. You may both laugh about the past (as people mature we often cringe about our behaviour in earlier years) it might make life easier at work if it all gets a line drawn under it.

2.Speak to your Mgr. Explain its a little awkward as you know her from previous etc and you'd prefer someone else was appointed to Mentor - this however, will continue the awkwardness as you'll have to face each other daily.

Personally I'd face it head on. If anything, she will feel worse as was the baddie in the situation. She may bring it up/apologise for her past behaviour.

You've both moved on, matured and grown as people. Hopefully you can laugh about it.

I definitely would avoid social events though 🙈

“EpicPineapple · Today 14:19
I think much depends on your team structure and dynamics at work, and your boss’ personality.

If it was my work, I would speak privately to my boss and say “Look, I feel I should let you know that Elise and I have met before, and it would be best if I am not her mentor in terms of welcoming her to the company and so on. Before her husband became her husband, he was my boyfriend for a decade, and frankly there was overlap. It was all a long time ago but there was bad feeling at the time. I’ll be professional and I’m sure Elise will too, but I thought I should make you aware in case you’re wondering why the team dynamics are odd.“

But if you have a humourless boss maybe don’t mention it I dunno. My worry is that she may be a bit of a backstabber who will try to undermine you but hopefully that’s not the case. But I think you should say something before she does.”

This. She sounds like an unkind person and capable of causing trouble. I wouldn’t make a thing of it (perhaps she has matured in 20 years) but have a private word with your boss, sharing enough to explain that there is a slightly messy history between you, but don’t spread it further: that would be unprofessional. But perhaps keep an eye to ensure that she’s not undermining you. If you can suggest someone else to mentor her, then you’re providing an instant solution as well.

Was thinking about this further. DH is super friendly if he accidentally meets people who have previously been arseholes to him or me. It really makes them squirm. So if you can face it mentor her and be super nice and enjoy her pain. Don't mention the past to any colleagues beyond 'we knew each other at Uni' though then if she does talk about what happened it reflects badly on her. And if she does mention it to you or anyone else just say 'oh, that was a lifetime ago'.