AIBU to say no to mentoring a new woman at my work ?

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

Because she stole my boyfriend? I was with one man from being 16 -26. I thought he was the love of my life clearly wasn't! We had our lives mapped out together I got on with his wider family and he mine. I went to uni and met "Elise" on my course. Fast forward to the first Christmas and I went to my boyfriends work Christmas do, she was there and it turns out our boyfriends worked in the same office. We didn't exactly become best mates but did have some of the same mates. Eventually after eight years my boyfriend became distant it turns out he had cheated on me with Elise they'd been on and off for about three years!
We split and went our separate ways, I was too upset to even speak to his family again but was heart broken. I couldn't even face our common friends. She was absolutely horrible to me and told all our friends in common that I hadn't been able to give what she could in bed etc etc.
I got asked to mentor a new starter and agreed to do so, I've done it plenty of times, first day back after the Easter holidays she waltzes into the office and I could tell she recognised me obviously. I didn't know what to say, they have two children now and we have the kind of work place that does social outings with partners included. To be honest I'm happily married with my own family but the weirdness is just palpable. I'm supposed to take her out and introduce her to people and show her around. How the heck would you navigate this. It was nearly 20 years ago now, my heart is way over it but I cannot be arsed with seeing him or being nice to her! Please help me navigate this people!

I would tell people exactly what happened, matter of fact-ly . I'd make light of it by saying, obviously it was 20 years ago and I'm over it completely. It's just a bit awkward now isn't it?

I'd do this to set the record straight but make it clear you're over it, find it amusing and are happy to move on. I'd be worried she'll try to turn everyone against you first if you don't

Definitely this, unless you've known your boss for years and have a close friendship, then I would probably tell them the full story with the focus on how awfully she treated you afterwards rather than the stealing your boyfriend part.

If I were you I wouldn't be bothered after 20 years that she had an affair with your boyfriend but I would still be bothered about the horrible things she said about you and the way she treated you afterwards.

I do genuinely think it's just complete chance. We both studied at the same uni, it was a vocational subject with one uni in the city offering it so most of the people doing our job in this city have studied at the same uni as us. I think if I can remember rightly that the area we now live near and I now work in is where her family are. I lived and grew up on the South side of the city over 20 miles away. We lived closer to the centre when we all went to uni otherwise our paths wouldn't have crossed at all I don't think.

@hoarahloux yes that's it I'm not bothered about him as such, although I don't relish the idea of seeing him particularly I'm a bit ambivalent about it. Its the fact that I know what kind of person she is and couldn't face many of my previous friends because of her. I nearly lost my shit altogether. Its one thing hurting someone but then being so cruel was uncalled for.

I would explain the situation to your manager so they can arrange someone else to mentor her. Then I’d ‘ confide’ in the office gossip.

Make your manager aware of the situation and ask not to mentor her. Then avoid her as much as possible and don’t get drawn in to gossip.

Laxatives in her tea.

The more polite and unphased you are the better it will be for you. There is no need to be over friendly. Stay professional. Kill them with kindness and if she ever brings up the topic of your ex or tries to get personal with you just say, "sorry I'd rather we stayed professional, I'm very private with my personal life and I assume you'd be the same with yours, we don't need to get into that" with a huge friendly smile on your face. Or if she does bring it up more than once then pause, stay quiet and carry on with your work related stuff.

I imagine both you and she will be putting in a request to change the setup OP! Don't hesitate....

Has she acknowledged you from the past ?

First things first - put her stapler in a jelly. After that I’d be sweetly laughing it off and not being shy about your friendship history. Sod her. Three years fling? She seriously broke the girl code.

Oh ok, so, she's an untrustworthy bitch. You need to cover your back. A two pronged approach: preempt her potential character assassination of you by revoking your mentorship and confiding in the office gossip, as @Springtime789 says.

Ask her if your ex/her husband, cheats on her too.
Then ask if she'll be trying for your current dh.
Make sure everyone knows your history with her.
Stay classy and professional, op.
😂

Professionally it would not be good for you to mentor her with this background. If it goes tits up she could make all sorts of accusations as to why you didn’t do x or y. Tell your manager explain that there would be a conflict and to protect you and the new starter probably best for someone else to mentor but your happy to mentor again in the future.

I would ask that someone else mentor her. If asked why maybe frame it around how uncomfortable it will be for Elise to be reminded of a time in her past when she behaved so badly! Are you sure she is still married to the same (cheating) shitbag? Hopefully she has the sense to look for another job.

It was obviously a difficult and painful time for you but I bet a lot of your friends would have supported you if you had kept in touch.

😈

Do this. Preempt any behaviours she may begin. Make sure everyone shows loyalty to you.

People like her have a tendency to get comfortable very quickly, and start throwing their weight around.

This happened twenty years ago and you are suggesting that the OP tries to ruin the professional life of a working mother by getting her friends to give her the cold shoulder.

Truly some people never leave the playground behind.

Tell your manager you have history and you think you'd both be more comfortable if someone else mentored her. Always be polite and professional to her. Don't discuss it with anyone else, if you get asked just say something like 'we know each other from a long time ago and it would be weird to mentor her'. They'll realise soon enough you're not friends and can draw their own conclusions.

I think you need to try and get on with it. If she's going to be in your team you need to work out the awkwardness sooner than later.

Identify someone who would be a better fit for mentoring her. Someone in your office or professional circle. Ask them. Ideally pick someone who needs the opportunity to mentor who will appreciate the opportunity. Or someone who is better than you for whatever reason eg geography, role, better network, whatever.

Once you’ve found an alternative, approach your management and say “It is not appropriate for me to mentor this person, so I propose this solution” and introduce other person with some reasons they would be ideal.

This way you’re a problem solver/opportunity creator not a person with interpersonal issues impacting your workplace.

I would explain to HR that personal difficulties in the past mean that it wouldn't be appropriate to mentor her. You fear that she would put you in a difficult position should the mentorship not go well.

If they ask for more details in confidence then be honest but don't say ' she stole your boyfriend' because it's childish but you can perfectly legitimately say that she was the affair partner years ago and you feel that that would set the mentorship off on the wrong foot.

Reiterate that you are happy to mentor someone else.

I would also be very consistent that this isn't much about YOUR feelings. You are protecting her from embarrassment or not putting her in an awkward position, setting her up to fail etc. make it her issues, you are fine. You are the reasonable one, trying to protect the company from drama.

I would also be honest if it comes up with you collegues but brush is off as 'a long time ago' 'I'm much happier with dh' ' she's still with the cheating bastard poor thing'

But I'm a bitch!!

I'm absolutely not going to start looking foe ruining anyone's career. What they did was absolutely awful but I genuinely am better than that. I'll never forget the chaos hurt of it but it feels extremely awkward. I'll not stoop to her level of bullying nastiness.

"Sorry boss, unfortunately it wouldn't be appropriate for me to mentor Elise because there is some messy personal history between us. I doubt she would want to mentor me either."

Or just mentor her and be a bitch.

I’d do this. Covering my own back and reputation.