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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend dress sense

127 replies

Poppalina37 · 03/04/2024 19:07

I really don't want to get burned for this!

I've met the most wonderful man.....

Except the way he dresses gives me the ICK....

I'm not exactly fashionable but I wear a lot of Joules, and Boden. I'm 42, he's 49. Generally look smart, well kept, nice hair and nails.

He wears tracksuits; joggers and hoody's... he has a rather large stomach too... so this attire may help cover his shape.

I visited friends over the weekend and this came up.... we weren't slagging him off.... I just mentioned I found it difficult as I like a well dressed man.

This isn't a financial issue.... I believe he could afford better clothes.... I could also afford to take him shopping. I just have no idea how to do that.

Also, I'd be gutted if he hated how I dressed.

Advice please x

OP posts:
Sagittarius · 03/04/2024 22:16

If you really dislike his dress sense so much and it gives you the ick, then he can't be the guy for you. It would be wrong to try to change his style because you don't like what he wears, clearly that's what he is comfortable in and likes to wear.

Just consider how you would you feel if the tables were turned and he made a comment about your dress sense and asked you to dress in a different way or bought you clothes that are nothing like your usual style. Would you like that?

TextureSeeker · 03/04/2024 22:20

The thing is though you say 'I take pride in my appearance', maybe he does too. Maybe he likes how he looks in joggers and hoodie, maybe he feels most confident dressed that way. We all like different things after all.

If its a deal breaker for you it's a deal breaker but don't try and change him. He will be good enough for someone as he is even if that person isn't you.

clanga · 03/04/2024 22:22

Fuck sake Asda shopper 😂😂 sorry op but you sound a little bit up yourself if I'm honest.
As long as he doesn't stink and brushes his teeth let him wear his trackies!!

AliceMcK · 03/04/2024 22:24

Maybe he doesn't like how you dress either? I personally find Boden and Joules on the frumpy side and don't think it looks smart

In the immortal words of Meatloaf “You took the words right out of my mouth”

rainbowlou · 03/04/2024 22:26

Isthisexpected · 03/04/2024 22:13

The Asda car park here is full of people in their pyjamas. I have never once seen anyone go into Waitrose in pyjamas.

Show quote history

Maybe you don’t see their pjs underneath their dry robes?

Seriously though that really isn’t typical of Asda shoppers where I am.

NotAgainWilson · 03/04/2024 22:28

Isthisexpected · 03/04/2024 22:12

I wouldn't be able to find him attractive because I hate jogging bottoms and tracksuits if not at the gym. So how have you come to be in this position of essentially falling for someone who simultaneously gives you the ick? I'd end it. You're not compatible as he'll always gravitate to these kind of clothes/this style and you'll always be a bit embarrassed about how he dresses.

Same here. I would understand that dilemma if someone turned frumpy after a long period of “unfrumpiness” but if he has shown up like that from the start and you dislike that style, how could you fell for him in the first place?

Personally, I don’t believe that stuff that says you shouldn’t judge a person for their looks, ok for when you are out and about but when it comes to the person you are sleeping with you are entitled to assess the person holistically and that includes how they look. Personally, I wouldn’t mind someone who is not handsome but I wouldn’t be able to feel attracted to someone who has a style of dressing that gives me the ick.

CheeryPye · 03/04/2024 22:32

I suppose you could always stop judging people on appearance? I mean he might have a big belly but I doubt you're perfect yourself.

StormingNorman · 03/04/2024 22:33

For all the people saying if the tables were turned…

DH and I comment on each others outfits. He moans about me wearing frumpy trainers and I moan about his penchant for boots with a slightly too high heel. We literally fall about laughing and bantering about who looks worse. Same as when we come out wearing almost identical outfits some days and piss ourselves over it.

DanielGault · 03/04/2024 22:35

StormingNorman · 03/04/2024 22:33

For all the people saying if the tables were turned…

DH and I comment on each others outfits. He moans about me wearing frumpy trainers and I moan about his penchant for boots with a slightly too high heel. We literally fall about laughing and bantering about who looks worse. Same as when we come out wearing almost identical outfits some days and piss ourselves over it.

That sounds like a different situation though tbh. If that's ok with both of you then crack on. This doesn't sound like that at all.

DoYouSmokePaul · 03/04/2024 22:37

My DH wears hoodies and trackies because he finds them comfortable (obviously not to meals out, weddings, etc). I would never wish for him to wear clothing that he found uncomfortable. My only request (though not demand) is that he replaces clothing if has holes in. Other than that, as long at it is clean, wear what you like.

XenoBitch · 03/04/2024 22:37

StormingNorman · 03/04/2024 22:33

For all the people saying if the tables were turned…

DH and I comment on each others outfits. He moans about me wearing frumpy trainers and I moan about his penchant for boots with a slightly too high heel. We literally fall about laughing and bantering about who looks worse. Same as when we come out wearing almost identical outfits some days and piss ourselves over it.

That is different. You say it is banter and you both joke about it. OP is serious, and has the 'ick'.

SallyWD · 03/04/2024 22:39

My DH has bizarre dress sense. Often wears mismatched, clashing items. Today he wore a smart shirt with jogging bottoms! He does scrub up well though. I don't mind to be honest. He has so many good qualities. I often give him fashion advice such as "that top doesn't go with those trousers, why don't you wear the blue top instead" or "I think you should dress a bit more smartly for this dinner" etc. Fortunately he doesn't mind and actually appreciates my comments. He asks for advice on outfits so I know he doesn't mind.
If he's a lovely man in other ways and you're happy, I'd just accept him for who he is and see if he's open to your fashion advice!

Alicewinn · 03/04/2024 22:44

Are you sure it's not the fact he's slightly overweight that's giving you ick?
Tracksuits can look nice if they fit well and are black imo.
If he wore baggy sweats on your first date that were saggy around the arse that's just a downright no.

dullestofall · 03/04/2024 22:46

XenoBitch · 03/04/2024 22:06

This.

If OP was a woman and had concerns about her partner trying to "style" her, subtly or not, everyone would be saying LTB.

I have had this in the past with ex boyfriends. One bought me tanning salon vouchers (I rock the pale and interesting look, and always have). Another was fine during the early days, then would make snarky comments about the clothing I wore. Insisted on going shopping for me etc.

Show quote history

I had a BF who after months felt comfortable criticising my choice of handbag (the leather was not good enough), my sandals (didn’t showcase my feet properly) and my jeans (not ripped at the knee like it was trendy at the time) - I was a broke single mother working as a TA on a primary school and living on a 1 bedroom flat temporary accomodation, he was a self employed contractor, no dependents, earned at least 6x more than me and owned his own 2 bedroom flat beautifully decorated.

I told him that if he wanted, we could go shopping together and he could buy and gift me any outfits, shoes, bags he choses…yeah, right ~ never.happened.

Then I noticed he started looking at women who were a lot more stylish than I was.
We broke up for other reasons but these were such red flags, I wished I had dumped sooner.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/04/2024 22:47

I think you've had some harsh replies bearing in mind you've been very clear that you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Just start helping him upgrade his wardrobe - slightly more upmarket, better cut versions of what he currently wears, maybe nicer fabrics.
Whatever some people are saying about Asda being fine, the quality of the fabrics is not always so great, too much polyester that bobbles quickly, although there are probably individual items which are OK. If you and he both have a reasonable income, you can get nicer and slightly less basic clothes elsewhere.
Can I suggest Built Different t-shirts? They are cut for men with a bigger stomach, and are very flattering and great quality, slightly longer in the body to cover a bit of a belly. You could buy him a few to start off in his usual style, and see how he reacts.
There's probably no point in trying to get him into smarter clothes unless he wants to, although you could suggest shopping together for new outfits for the next semi formal event.
Is it that he doesn't care about clothes, or doesn't know what would look good? Is he struggling with newly acquired extra weight, or feels that he won't look god whatever he wears, too embarrassed to make an effort?
I think so long as you are aware of his feelings on this and are really subtle about wardrobe upgrades, and keep it fairy classic, he'll be fine. He might well appreciate the help once he knows you understand what he actually likes.

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DanielGault · 03/04/2024 22:50

DelphiniumBlue · 03/04/2024 22:47

I think you've had some harsh replies bearing in mind you've been very clear that you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Just start helping him upgrade his wardrobe - slightly more upmarket, better cut versions of what he currently wears, maybe nicer fabrics.
Whatever some people are saying about Asda being fine, the quality of the fabrics is not always so great, too much polyester that bobbles quickly, although there are probably individual items which are OK. If you and he both have a reasonable income, you can get nicer and slightly less basic clothes elsewhere.
Can I suggest Built Different t-shirts? They are cut for men with a bigger stomach, and are very flattering and great quality, slightly longer in the body to cover a bit of a belly. You could buy him a few to start off in his usual style, and see how he reacts.
There's probably no point in trying to get him into smarter clothes unless he wants to, although you could suggest shopping together for new outfits for the next semi formal event.
Is it that he doesn't care about clothes, or doesn't know what would look good? Is he struggling with newly acquired extra weight, or feels that he won't look god whatever he wears, too embarrassed to make an effort?
I think so long as you are aware of his feelings on this and are really subtle about wardrobe upgrades, and keep it fairy classic, he'll be fine. He might well appreciate the help once he knows you understand what he actually likes.

What exactly do you think gives her the right to stealthily update his wardrobe? JFC, really? OP hasn't indicated that her DP is in any way mentally impaired, he can choose to wear whatever the bloody hell he wants. Christ!

ELCismyspiritnana · 03/04/2024 22:52

DoYouSmokePaul · 03/04/2024 22:37

My DH wears hoodies and trackies because he finds them comfortable (obviously not to meals out, weddings, etc). I would never wish for him to wear clothing that he found uncomfortable. My only request (though not demand) is that he replaces clothing if has holes in. Other than that, as long at it is clean, wear what you like.

I just have to <chefs kiss> your user name. Literally no one ever knows what I'm on about when I quote this song!!

Dita73 · 03/04/2024 22:52

Boden is only acceptable for small children and the elderly. Maybe he doesn’t like how you dress

Original poster
Poppalina37 · 03/04/2024 22:53

CheeryPye · 03/04/2024 22:32

I suppose you could always stop judging people on appearance? I mean he might have a big belly but I doubt you're perfect yourself.

I've not once said that I am perfect!!

It's literally impossible to ask for advice on here when all you do is get judged!

I have not discussed this with him because I don't want to hurt him and I would be hurt if he felt the same way about me.

I have not fallen in love with this man... but feel that I could.... I know this may be an issue to some.... but I'm very guarded for reasons that have nothing to do with him.

From speaking with friends.... it seems that I am at the age now where I can't be to picky and a good man is hard to find. I am divorced with children.... I've spent a long time concentrating on my children and building my career....

I am rubbish at building something new!
I feel we could have a lovely future.... maybe it's a slow burner for me.... I want to look after what we have so far.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2024 22:53

LlynTegid · 03/04/2024 20:24

He is not a wonderful man if he lacks basic personal self respect to dress as he does. You could forgive it perhaps if he was on the breadline.

The UK has some of the most badly dressed people in the world. It is a national shame up there with Brexit.

Edited

Not dressing how a woman wants him to dress isn't a lack of self respect!

SmallIslander · 03/04/2024 22:57

Have you not been anywhere with him in the evening like a bar or a restaurant? Does he wear Asda trickies then? Surely he would scrub a bit for this?

To be honest, most of the men who I have been with who made very little effort with clothes just weren't bothered about them and had no idea what was fashionable or what might suit them. They just went in a shop of choice and bought fairly dull and safe options. They all seemed quite made up with a bit of help shopping to find things that made them look and feel really good.

cariadlet · 03/04/2024 23:01

My dp lives in jeans, tshirts and hoodies. I've only seen him in a shirt at weddings and funerals. I prefer him in his usual clothes because he's being himself.

OP, it's not fair to try and restyle somebody who hasn't asked for fashion advice. "Subtly" upgrading to better quality fabric, better cut of clothes is imposing your own preferences which is rude and overstepping the mark.

Either you see past what is, to you, poor fashion sense because this bloke's good points outweigh his clothes or you find it embarrassing to be seen out with him and it's a deal breaker.

Neither of those options is right or wrong; you need to weigh up your personal options.
But I think that they're the only 2 reasonable alternatives.

DanielGault · 03/04/2024 23:02

Poppalina37 · 03/04/2024 22:53

I've not once said that I am perfect!!

It's literally impossible to ask for advice on here when all you do is get judged!

I have not discussed this with him because I don't want to hurt him and I would be hurt if he felt the same way about me.

I have not fallen in love with this man... but feel that I could.... I know this may be an issue to some.... but I'm very guarded for reasons that have nothing to do with him.

From speaking with friends.... it seems that I am at the age now where I can't be to picky and a good man is hard to find. I am divorced with children.... I've spent a long time concentrating on my children and building my career....

I am rubbish at building something new!
I feel we could have a lovely future.... maybe it's a slow burner for me.... I want to look after what we have so far.

Show quote history

See him for who he is, dodgy outfits and all. If you don't love him for that, forget it. He's not a project.

Emptyheadlock · 03/04/2024 23:08

So he's dressed for comfort and you're dressed for a pta meeting circa 2003.

Andr0meda · 03/04/2024 23:20

I see nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to him. I find men in tracksuit bottoms and hoodies very unattractive. Like some men find goth girls unattractive. Style plays a role and is easy to compromise/fix. There are lots of comfy clothes that are stylish. I would just start showing him nice clothes frequently and tell him something in the lines 'wow this is something that would suit you' etc. You might find some clothes that you both like. And invite him to give you his opinion about clothes he thinks would suit you too. This should make him feel that you value his opinion.