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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL too needy of my husband

101 replies

FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 18:25

AIBU to think my MIL is too needy of my husband, based on the following:

  • She wants to see him every weekend
  • Even if she is meeting him, she still calls him every weekend for a chat
  • She calls regardless of whether we are on holiday or not
  • She wants him to go on holiday with her for a week every year; and it takes 8 hrs to drive each way
  • She refuses to change the holiday destination even after my husband and I had a baby and we said we couldn't go
  • She then chased him regularly to see if he was going (and leaving me home alone with the baby)
OP posts:
Tatas · 03/04/2024 18:29

Wanting to see him every weekend isn't a huge red flag to me, unless it's taking away from family time / it's a full day each weekend / she doesn't want to see you and DC too. Calling him each weekend again wouldn't be an issue to me, but calling when on holiday I might raise eyebrows at - my DH speaks to his mum often on the phone, but not really on holiday - we both switch off / unplug!

A weeklong holiday with just them two each year with 8 hours of driving each way would be the only thing I'd be a bit meh on, especially with limited AL and not wanting to involve you or your DC.

Tbh all of those things you dislike can be discussed / fixed with DH surely - he can visit when he wants, call when works for him and just not go on the holiday if it doesn't work for your family.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 03/04/2024 18:29

Yes imo she is too needy but he is also too wet for allowing this to be the situation. She's using him as a substitute dh in terms of needing attention. Is her dh still around? I'd be explaining to your dh the need to start setting some boundaries.

Newuser75 · 03/04/2024 18:29

I'm following this as my mil is similar although we don't go on holiday together.
They speak every day on the phone.
He has to ring her when home from work to let her know he is home safely (he is 50)
Same when we go on holiday, first thing he does is ring to say we are there safely.
He sees her at least once a week.
I think it's very odd.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 18:31

Just to confirm - Do you live 8 hours away?

If so, then it's an unreasonable ask for her to want to see him every week, unless she is travelling to you?

Fair enough to want to speak to him, but to want to see him weekly when it's an 8 hour drive. That's unsustainable.

Noyesnoyesok · 03/04/2024 18:31

Tatas · 03/04/2024 18:29

Wanting to see him every weekend isn't a huge red flag to me, unless it's taking away from family time / it's a full day each weekend / she doesn't want to see you and DC too. Calling him each weekend again wouldn't be an issue to me, but calling when on holiday I might raise eyebrows at - my DH speaks to his mum often on the phone, but not really on holiday - we both switch off / unplug!

A weeklong holiday with just them two each year with 8 hours of driving each way would be the only thing I'd be a bit meh on, especially with limited AL and not wanting to involve you or your DC.

Tbh all of those things you dislike can be discussed / fixed with DH surely - he can visit when he wants, call when works for him and just not go on the holiday if it doesn't work for your family.

This

lzzyJ · 03/04/2024 18:31

The first 3 are fine, MILs can't win. They do it they get slated, they don't do it they get slated.

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 18:32

Yes

And I only read the first line.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/04/2024 18:34

YOUR husband. He's not something that belongs to you, like a car. He's HER son & doesn't belong to her either.

He's a grown man who can decide what time he spends where. If you are unhappy with his decisions then discuss it with him.

MIL isn't the problem here.

Arrestedmanevolence · 03/04/2024 18:35

Exploit it, send him with the baby once the baby is old enough (assuming you're breastfeeding, if not send baby now!) and get some respite every weekend a whole week a year.

TeenLifeMum · 03/04/2024 18:36

There’s so many different family dynamics. Some of my friends live near their parents and see them a few times a week. I live over an hour away and see my parents most months, speak to my mum most days though… dh rarely speaks to his mum and it really upsets her. He just forgets. We have been on holiday with them though.

i don’t think it’s wrong so long as your dh is willing to be flexible - see her for dinner one evening if you want the whole weekend for example. A daughter seeing her mum 3-4 times a week is normal round here so why shouldn’t a son have the same relationship?

TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 18:36

Presumably you are talking about your MIL’s son? He’s not a possession for either of you.

takemeawayagain · 03/04/2024 18:40

He's needs to put the boundaries in and stop being a people pleasing mummies boy.

Tempnamechng · 03/04/2024 18:42

It isn't needy to want to see or speak to your adult child once a week. My dh sees his mum usually 2/3 times a week, his dad most days. I only see my mum once a fortnight, but i used to see her weekly. Holidays could be reduced to a weekend away, as full week is a lot to commit as it eats into annual leave, but it doesn't hurt to let him take her away for a couple of days. If he doesn't want to drive for 8 hours to the destination he needs to speak up.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 03/04/2024 18:42

TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 18:36

Presumably you are talking about your MIL’s son? He’s not a possession for either of you.

No, she's talking about the 3rd cousins mother's brother once removed. 🙄

shenandoahvalley · 03/04/2024 18:46
  • She wants to see him every weekend - fine, if it's fine with everyone else. Obviously not for hours on end, or taking him from duties to you and your DC
  • Even if she is meeting him, she still calls him every weekend for a chat - what is there to talk about if she's just seen him? Presumably it should be one or the other
  • She calls regardless of whether we are on holiday or not - not ok. Very needy
  • She wants him to go on holiday with her for a week every year; and it takes 8 hrs to drive each way - with all of you, or just him? If all of you and you're all okay with it, why not? Just him? Hell no. By the time you've had your equivalent week off childcare, your kid will have been without the both of you for two weeks. And for what?
  • She refuses to change the holiday destination even after my husband and I had a baby and we said we couldn't go - then she can go by herself
  • She then chased him regularly to see if he was going (and leaving me home alone with the baby) - he just has to say no, surely?
Circe7 · 03/04/2024 18:47

If a man wanted to stop his wife seeing and speaking to her mum once a week that would be seen as a red flag for controlling/ abusive behaviour but in the context of MILs the son has to set “boundaries” - which basically means going low contact- regardless of whether or not he is happy with the level of contact?

ageratum1 · 03/04/2024 18:48

Too needy!! What a piece of work you are!

Hello87abc · 03/04/2024 18:51

It’s once a week, what’s wrong with that? Do you have a baby boy? Would you think it’s unreasonable to see him once a week?

Imustgoforarun · 03/04/2024 18:52

he sounds like a lovely man. Talking to his mum weekly or daily I don’t see a problem with. Lots of women do this.
Talking to her whilst on holiday again no problem.
the 8 hr drive sounds odd - is that to a special place every year. It takes us 8 hrs to get to Cornwall and I wouldn’t see any harm doing it once a year.

Imustgoforarun · 03/04/2024 18:54

We go away with the mil every year for a week. She also goes away with her other kids during the year. I think it’s lovely and I hope my sons do the same to me.

itsjustbiology · 03/04/2024 18:54

i think this is way too much.You are parents now and its eating way too much into family time with MILs expectations.

spongebunnyfatpants · 03/04/2024 18:55

She's his mum, just because he's now your husband, doesn't mean he stops being her son.

Of course she wants to see him and spend time with him and why wouldn't she?

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/04/2024 18:59

takemeawayagain · 03/04/2024 18:40

He's needs to put the boundaries in and stop being a people pleasing mummies boy.

We haven't her his point of view. He might want to see her this much. Why is it OK for women to see their mums but not OK for men to want to see their mums?

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 18:59

Do you have sons? How would you feel if, when they grow up, their wife/partner thinks you are ‘too needy’ for speaking to them once a week?
Presumably, as an adult, if he didn’t want to do these things he could say no?

crumblingschools · 03/04/2024 19:02

Nothing wrong with speaking every day, I speak to my DM every day (since DF died, prior to that was probably 2 or 3 times a week). If you live locally seeing her nice a week isn't too bad, but needs to fit in your family life too.

I always phone my DM when we are on holiday, parents used to phone too when they were away

Should be compromise for holiday destination

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