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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL too needy of my husband

101 replies

FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 18:25

AIBU to think my MIL is too needy of my husband, based on the following:

  • She wants to see him every weekend
  • Even if she is meeting him, she still calls him every weekend for a chat
  • She calls regardless of whether we are on holiday or not
  • She wants him to go on holiday with her for a week every year; and it takes 8 hrs to drive each way
  • She refuses to change the holiday destination even after my husband and I had a baby and we said we couldn't go
  • She then chased him regularly to see if he was going (and leaving me home alone with the baby)
OP posts:
Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 04/04/2024 07:44

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 21:00

Yikes this thread is scary

The poster above you is fucking scary.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 04/04/2024 07:47

Are the maniacs on here missing how his family treat the OP when she’s around them?! 😬

OhmygodDont · 04/04/2024 07:51

Love the posts saying op should do the chores while dh visits his mum. So he doesn’t have to do the chores in a house he lives in because his of visiting and op should add all his stuff to her list of things to do 😂😂 like that’s going to make op enjoy life anymore than currently.

Jc2001 · 04/04/2024 07:54

Hello87abc · 03/04/2024 18:51

It’s once a week, what’s wrong with that? Do you have a baby boy? Would you think it’s unreasonable to see him once a week?

Not when they're fully grown adults.

Youdontevengohere · 04/04/2024 07:56

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 04/04/2024 07:47

Are the maniacs on here missing how his family treat the OP when she’s around them?! 😬

Absolutely not, that’s why I think she should stop going on the visits/holidays. She can’t stop him going though.

MsPloddingBottom · 04/04/2024 09:25

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 03/04/2024 20:52

Hea been her son alot longer than he's been your husband. And you can be replaceable but his mum can't.

I think your husband should be far more present in her life life just weekends. Don't you call your own mum? I'm married with kids and I ohone my mum almost daily or pop over for a cuppa. We book her automatically into our holidays without even asking her and we did do the same with husbands mother too.

Just remember your son will I day get married and hopefully.not to someone like you or you'll be sitting sad that your son barely sees or speaks to you. He might might a man to you but to her he's still her little boy and always will be.time for you to grow up ajd stop competing

Cut the umbilical cord. Grown husband and father does not need to put his mother before everyone else, that's so unhealthy fucking hell.

His mother isn't replaceable but seeming child (and wife) are? If you're not OP's MIL then pigs really can fly.

Thomasina79 · 04/04/2024 10:10

I think it’s a lot, but if he is happy doing it it’s fine. But you are not and I think you need to speak to him about it.

not sure why people think it’s ok the other way round, I.e. daughters and their mothers being over involved?

OhmygodDont · 04/04/2024 10:12

Thomasina79 · 04/04/2024 10:10

I think it’s a lot, but if he is happy doing it it’s fine. But you are not and I think you need to speak to him about it.

not sure why people think it’s ok the other way round, I.e. daughters and their mothers being over involved?

See I call my mum when dh isn’t here so it doesn’t affect him but then I can also go weeks without talking at all and months without seeing her.

I don’t understand either side living in their parents/child’s pockets.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/04/2024 10:14

takemeawayagain · Yesterday 18:40
He's needs to put the boundaries in and stop being a people pleasing mummies boy.”

And be a people pleasing wife’s boy instead?
Maybe he likes his mum and wants to see her once a week? What’s wrong with that?

Nori10 · 04/04/2024 10:23

She needs to de-centre herself from his life. She can't expect annual holidays and weekly meetups now that her son has his own family. His family with you should be the centre and priority.

She should also be asking him what works for him, not just thinking about what works for her. They’re all adults and that's how healthy adult relationships work.

I think it’s fine to want to have a check in once a week, be that a quick chat or a meet up, but it shouldn't be an expectation or so written in stone, that she expects it even when you're on holiday. It has to fit in with everyone, not just her. Perhaps meeting up for a coffee on his lunch hour instead of a weekend meet up type thing.

Sounds like your husband needs to set some new boundaries. He can do that compassionately in a way that reassures her that he still loves and cares for her. Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a big confrontation, but when parents don’t treat their adult children with the consideration they deserve, they are needed.

Riverlee · 04/04/2024 10:29

The weekend visits, how close do you live, and how long are the visits for? Is the visit flexible, and how subservient is dh to his mother? Does he spend the whole day there? Are you invited as well?

For example, if friends invite you for a barbecue, which means your husband couldn’t visit on Saturday, but can go in Sunday instead, is that a problem? Does she throw a hissy fit, or would dh refuse to go to the barbecue?

Does dh prioritise her over you?

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2024 10:31

Just stay home for the family holidays. My DH doesn’t come to see my family, they are far too much for him.

KreedKafer · 04/04/2024 10:37

Way, way too needy and clingy.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 04/04/2024 10:39

Nori10 · 04/04/2024 10:23

She needs to de-centre herself from his life. She can't expect annual holidays and weekly meetups now that her son has his own family. His family with you should be the centre and priority.

She should also be asking him what works for him, not just thinking about what works for her. They’re all adults and that's how healthy adult relationships work.

I think it’s fine to want to have a check in once a week, be that a quick chat or a meet up, but it shouldn't be an expectation or so written in stone, that she expects it even when you're on holiday. It has to fit in with everyone, not just her. Perhaps meeting up for a coffee on his lunch hour instead of a weekend meet up type thing.

Sounds like your husband needs to set some new boundaries. He can do that compassionately in a way that reassures her that he still loves and cares for her. Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a big confrontation, but when parents don’t treat their adult children with the consideration they deserve, they are needed.

This. 100%.

coconutpie · 04/04/2024 11:07

You have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

Mary46 · 04/04/2024 13:04

Yep very clingy. Im 51 she still tries to control us. I visit at wend. Dont do holidays ever as sets a pattern and she difficult. Op if its too much well he needs to say no......

SerafinasGoose · 04/04/2024 13:07

ageratum1 · 03/04/2024 18:48

Too needy!! What a piece of work you are!

No, she isn't. No need to go OTT.

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 04/04/2024 16:57

MsPloddingBottom · 04/04/2024 09:25

Cut the umbilical cord. Grown husband and father does not need to put his mother before everyone else, that's so unhealthy fucking hell.

His mother isn't replaceable but seeming child (and wife) are? If you're not OP's MIL then pigs really can fly.

Show quote history

People divorce all the time so yes....wives are very much replaceable, his mum isn't.
Wives need to stop being little bunny boilers making everything all about them.
My mother in law should be thankful I'm nothing like these horrible woman. And hopefully my son won't meet one either.

Boomer55 · 04/04/2024 17:01

Imustgoforarun · 03/04/2024 18:52

he sounds like a lovely man. Talking to his mum weekly or daily I don’t see a problem with. Lots of women do this.
Talking to her whilst on holiday again no problem.
the 8 hr drive sounds odd - is that to a special place every year. It takes us 8 hrs to get to Cornwall and I wouldn’t see any harm doing it once a year.

Sounds pretty normal to me as well. 👍

MsPloddingBottom · 04/04/2024 17:04

@Whyarepeoplesoweird

Good luck sustaining a relationship with that attitude tbh. Partners (and children) are replicable? Great way to hasten divorce proceedings! Maybe that's why so many people are splitting up

Your family is a priority. Your mother is a grown adult woman who should have a life outside of her adult children. It's fine to want regular contact, but being copedenent - at the expense of other things in their life - is needy and unhealthy

MsPloddingBottom · 04/04/2024 17:05

And I don't even think the MIL here is especially needy (though by the sounds of it, pushy, annoying and the family are dicks) -

But your post was so ridiculous, I'm sorry

spannered · 04/04/2024 17:13

Why don't you stay home on the day that he goes to see her and do the housework then? That way you get to avoid seeing her, and it frees up the other weekend day for family time. When you go on the annual holiday, insist that you stay separately nearby.

FWIW I don't think she's too clingy at all. We see my parents every weekend and my DH speaks to his mum every day, we see her a couple of times a week. We still have loads of family time!

crosstalk · 04/04/2024 17:14

@circe7 @fieldsofbutterflies I think we all have to agree families come from different places. Neither my mil nor my mother expected to call us every week - we might have found it intrusive if they had. We did visit when we could, not as often as any party wanted because of distance/work commitments (mum and mil included). My mil came on holiday a few times but insisted it was one week of our fortnight not the full shebang, ditto my mother. But no one expected anything, we all got on and loved each other: that was our families' level of engagement. We did write/email. People like us find more engagement overwhelming and - where any parent is getting cross about their time and expecting it at the cost of the couple - bemusing. But I agree OP should speak calmly to her DH about it and see how they can engineer it to everyone's satisfaction.

Youdontevengohere · 04/04/2024 17:20

spannered · 04/04/2024 17:13

Why don't you stay home on the day that he goes to see her and do the housework then? That way you get to avoid seeing her, and it frees up the other weekend day for family time. When you go on the annual holiday, insist that you stay separately nearby.

FWIW I don't think she's too clingy at all. We see my parents every weekend and my DH speaks to his mum every day, we see her a couple of times a week. We still have loads of family time!

Then the OP would be doing all the housework while her partner gets out of it, though. He’d still have to do his share of the housework on the other weekend day.

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 04/04/2024 21:41

MsPloddingBottom · 04/04/2024 17:04

@Whyarepeoplesoweird

Good luck sustaining a relationship with that attitude tbh. Partners (and children) are replicable? Great way to hasten divorce proceedings! Maybe that's why so many people are splitting up

Your family is a priority. Your mother is a grown adult woman who should have a life outside of her adult children. It's fine to want regular contact, but being copedenent - at the expense of other things in their life - is needy and unhealthy

I'm only 41 and I've been with my husband 25 years! No plans for divorce, very healthy and we have strong family values for us aswell as pur own parents. We both expect our parents to live with us one day when they are older. We both value our time with them. And since having a boy almost a decade ago, I make sure he even makes extra effort...like spending mothers day with her and not me. I'm not his mother....I tell.him to take her for lunch. I soend it with my son and my own mum.