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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL too needy of my husband

101 replies

FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 18:25

AIBU to think my MIL is too needy of my husband, based on the following:

  • She wants to see him every weekend
  • Even if she is meeting him, she still calls him every weekend for a chat
  • She calls regardless of whether we are on holiday or not
  • She wants him to go on holiday with her for a week every year; and it takes 8 hrs to drive each way
  • She refuses to change the holiday destination even after my husband and I had a baby and we said we couldn't go
  • She then chased him regularly to see if he was going (and leaving me home alone with the baby)
OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 03/04/2024 19:02

He's not just your husband, he's also her son.

Would you be happy to only speak with your son once a week?

todaysgoingtobetheday · 03/04/2024 19:04

How often do you speak to your mom?

I think it sounds like he has a really healthy strong relationship with his mother.

Would you not want to speak to your DC often? MILs seriously can't win

Charlie2121 · 03/04/2024 19:04

I’d find it stifling but all families are different. DH can go months without speaking to his mother but that is only normal for us because it’s always been like that.

When I met DH he hadn’t seen his parents for several years despite them living only a few miles away. Surely you knew what you were buying into?

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 19:05

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 18:59

Do you have sons? How would you feel if, when they grow up, their wife/partner thinks you are ‘too needy’ for speaking to them once a week?
Presumably, as an adult, if he didn’t want to do these things he could say no?

That’s not considering what she expects though. For example wanting to see him every weekend, holidays together, being inflexible.
For sure we all want see as much of our kids as we can when they grow up but parents don’t automatically have any right to that and there is such a thing as healthy boundaries.

However, you make a great point that it should be up to the DH to set those boundaries. So OP - isn’t this as much an issue with him as it is an issue with your MIL?

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 19:07

fieldsofbutterflies · 03/04/2024 19:02

He's not just your husband, he's also her son.

Would you be happy to only speak with your son once a week?

I guess all families really ARE different!!
:-)
That seems perfectly normal in my world OMG

stayathomer · 03/04/2024 19:12

I hate the phrase mummies boy so much!!! Daughters and their mums/ fine, daughters and their dads- isn’t it lovely, then … mummies boy. Why?!? I have 4 boys and by a lot of people’s standards if they ever want to see me or be in contact with me when they turn 18 they’ll be mummies boys and I’ll be needy!!!!! (But yes I get the week thing isn’t great but then saying that we do big family staycations most years so maybe same thing.

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 19:12

We speak to in laws every week (FaceTime) and go on holiday with them for a week every October half term, because we like them and enjoy their company. I’m guessing OP doesn’t like her MIL much.

OhmygodDont · 03/04/2024 19:17

I think a visit or call over the weekend. No need for both.

Calls can happen every day his driving home let’s face it.

No calls while on holidays unless an emergency.

Holidays being together should be by mutual
agreement on location etc based on need too. Not just she wants to go to Dorset every year so you must all go using up annual leave.

Innyloungewear · 03/04/2024 19:18

stayathomer · 03/04/2024 19:12

I hate the phrase mummies boy so much!!! Daughters and their mums/ fine, daughters and their dads- isn’t it lovely, then … mummies boy. Why?!? I have 4 boys and by a lot of people’s standards if they ever want to see me or be in contact with me when they turn 18 they’ll be mummies boys and I’ll be needy!!!!! (But yes I get the week thing isn’t great but then saying that we do big family staycations most years so maybe same thing.

I always think of a mummy's boy as a man who allows his mum/parents to run his life. Often at the expense of his wife/children. To me it's not about how often you see or speak to them but more allowing them to tell you what to do even when it no longer suits.

The same can go for women too.

Concannon88 · 03/04/2024 19:20

@FinchesGold she can want all she wants. If he's giving in to her then its a husband problem I'm afraid.

Innyloungewear · 03/04/2024 19:22

The holiday example stuck out to me she expects him to go on holiday every year even though this arrangement might no longer be suitable now that he has a baby.

There might be limited annual leave, it might be too far, it might be an unsuitable holiday. An adult should be able to communicate this to his/her parents. A mummy's boy would be too scared of his parents reaction.

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 19:23

Concannon88 · 03/04/2024 19:20

@FinchesGold she can want all she wants. If he's giving in to her then its a husband problem I'm afraid.

This nails it

Does your DH want this - or not?

If yes: you have different ideas about extended family

If no: he has some poor boundaries

notnowmarmaduke · 03/04/2024 19:25

I dont think anything your MIL wants is unreasonable. And it is between her and her son. If he is happy, then basically your choice is except it or leave.

Your child is witnessing a positive relationship between an adult child and a parent that you might be grateful for one day

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 19:33

I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to fulfil 95% of husbandly duties for their mother. 🤢

fieldsofbutterflies · 03/04/2024 19:36

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 19:07

I guess all families really ARE different!!
:-)
That seems perfectly normal in my world OMG

Show quote history

Wanting to talk to your child more than once a week isn't exactly shocking 🙄

I guarantee most women talk to their mums/daughters more than once a week without their husbands even batting an eyelid.

BlackSwan80 · 03/04/2024 19:41

I think your MIL's expectations are completely unreasonable and not respectful of your DH's relationship with you.
It sounds like she wants him to be a surrogate partner to her.
The main and primary relationship is the one he has with you and different boundaries should be in place with his mother.

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 19:43

I know some families are close but there is such a thing as enmeshment. This is all mostly unreasonable, but also sounds quite demanding OP(?)

Roselilly36 · 03/04/2024 19:50

Your DH didn’t stop being a DS when he married you OP. How often do you speak to your mum? Does DH make comments about your relationship with your mum? You sound a bit jealous tbh, which I find strange, DH love for you is totally different to his love for his mum, it’s not a competition.

Original poster
FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 20:15

There are some good and fair points raised on here, thank you readers. You're right it's not unreasonable if MIL wants to speak to her son once a week, or even see him once a week. Some of you have guessed correctly that:

  1. MIL and I don't really like each other
  2. the weekend meet ups are at the expense of other social events, so if we see MIL, DH doesn't want to do anything else social that day. Which is a problem when the other weekend day is reserved for housework. And when I get stressed being around the in laws because if point 1.
  3. the annual holiday is with also BIL and family, all under one roof. It's overwhelming because I don't feel liked by most of them and find myself being the recipient of little snubs.
  4. DH cannot see that some of the things they say is hurtful and always sits on the fence or takes their side when I raise an issue with their behaviour.

I'd love a close relationship with the in-laws but since they keep me at arms length and snub me I resent giving my time to them.

OP posts:
Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 20:18

Don’t go on the holidays, they sound shit. Your DH can choose whether he wants to go.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 03/04/2024 20:21

FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 20:15

There are some good and fair points raised on here, thank you readers. You're right it's not unreasonable if MIL wants to speak to her son once a week, or even see him once a week. Some of you have guessed correctly that:

  1. MIL and I don't really like each other
  2. the weekend meet ups are at the expense of other social events, so if we see MIL, DH doesn't want to do anything else social that day. Which is a problem when the other weekend day is reserved for housework. And when I get stressed being around the in laws because if point 1.
  3. the annual holiday is with also BIL and family, all under one roof. It's overwhelming because I don't feel liked by most of them and find myself being the recipient of little snubs.
  4. DH cannot see that some of the things they say is hurtful and always sits on the fence or takes their side when I raise an issue with their behaviour.

I'd love a close relationship with the in-laws but since they keep me at arms length and snub me I resent giving my time to them.

They sound like a rather enmeshed bunch tbh and I'd be put off dh if he thinks there is nothing wrong with her commandeering so much of your family time at weekends. Br careful with this one, she'll only become demanding as she gets older unless he starts to introduce boundaries now. He has new priorities now with you and baby.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 20:29

the annual holiday is with also BIL and family, all under one roof. It's overwhelming because I don't feel liked by most of them and find myself being the recipient of little snubs.

DH cannot see that some of the things they say is hurtful and always sits on the fence or takes their side when I raise an issue with their behaviour.

I'd love a close relationship with the in-laws but since they keep me at arms length and snub me I resent giving my time to them.

I was on your side anyway but this is outrageous. Your husband is a cunt for putting you in this position, making you endure their bullying company, and refusing to ever see your side, let alone defend you.

Harrysmummy246 · 03/04/2024 20:32

Don't understand why you need an entire day for housework, especially if this then makes you seem like a martyr

Harrysmummy246 · 03/04/2024 20:34

fieldsofbutterflies · 03/04/2024 19:36

Wanting to talk to your child more than once a week isn't exactly shocking 🙄

I guarantee most women talk to their mums/daughters more than once a week without their husbands even batting an eyelid.

Show quote history

Honestly, mum and I don't.

DH and ds have weekly vid chats with both mil and pil but I only have to participate in passing. mil would love dh to be there constantly but it's too much even for him.

I now have so little annual leave that DH and ds often do go without me to visit.

Win win

Mrstaytos · 03/04/2024 20:39

It’s not unreasonable for your DH to see his mother at the weekend but he needs to do it in the morning and then be back for family time. Frame it that kids grow up quickly and you want to do nice things as a family.

Re the holiday, go or don’t go but let your DH go if he wants to. Can’t see you winning that argument. Maybe go for a weekend