Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL too needy of my husband

101 replies

FinchesGold · 03/04/2024 18:25

AIBU to think my MIL is too needy of my husband, based on the following:

  • She wants to see him every weekend
  • Even if she is meeting him, she still calls him every weekend for a chat
  • She calls regardless of whether we are on holiday or not
  • She wants him to go on holiday with her for a week every year; and it takes 8 hrs to drive each way
  • She refuses to change the holiday destination even after my husband and I had a baby and we said we couldn't go
  • She then chased him regularly to see if he was going (and leaving me home alone with the baby)
OP posts:
Pickled21 · 03/04/2024 20:40

I don't think wanting to see your own child once a week is needy. I know this is mumsnet and all but to me that is ridiculous. It doesn't mean you have to visit though. Dh sees mil at least once a week unless she has plans on the weekend. Sometimes I go too, other times I don't. He phones her once a week as do I but I talk to my own parents daily (usually) as they live further away so visits are few and far between.

What is unreasonable is her lack of regard for you. Like it or not you are a family unit so she should be factoring in how expecting him to accompany her on holiday impacts you and your child. If she wants his company she should be willing to compromise on holiday destination. It's about time he speaks to her and explains that he has to factor you and your child into plans too so she can't have everything her own way.

Createausername1970 · 03/04/2024 20:40

Phoning when you are on holiday is annoying.

But I don't think seeing a parent once a week or talking to them once a week is excessive? It does depend on the distance of course.

Insisting on DH going in holiday - well, that up to him. As long as we still had a family holiday (without MIL) I wouldn't have objected if my DH went away with his parent(s). Take the kids and give me a week of peace and quiet at home.

The thing is, most mums will eventually become a MIL, so be careful what you wish for as it might come back and bite you on the arse.

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 20:50

None of this is working for you and makes you unhappy and feeling neglected. The point is, if everyone validated you in this, what would you then do about it,,,right?

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 03/04/2024 20:52

Hea been her son alot longer than he's been your husband. And you can be replaceable but his mum can't.

I think your husband should be far more present in her life life just weekends. Don't you call your own mum? I'm married with kids and I ohone my mum almost daily or pop over for a cuppa. We book her automatically into our holidays without even asking her and we did do the same with husbands mother too.

Just remember your son will I day get married and hopefully.not to someone like you or you'll be sitting sad that your son barely sees or speaks to you. He might might a man to you but to her he's still her little boy and always will be.time for you to grow up ajd stop competing

PeaPalRIDriots · 03/04/2024 21:00

Yikes this thread is scary

Azandme · 03/04/2024 21:01

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/04/2024 18:34

YOUR husband. He's not something that belongs to you, like a car. He's HER son & doesn't belong to her either.

He's a grown man who can decide what time he spends where. If you are unhappy with his decisions then discuss it with him.

MIL isn't the problem here.

This!

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 03/04/2024 21:01

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 19:33

I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to fulfil 95% of husbandly duties for their mother. 🤢

Clearly got issues from their childhood.

Azandme · 03/04/2024 21:03

I wonder if you'll be happy with seeing your child infrequently and not talking on the phone much when they are grown...

Doubt it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/04/2024 21:03

@FinchesGold Who the hell are the 17% who think that YOU are being unreasonable???? bloody hell, what kind of a wimp is your husband? if he cannot tell her then you need to tell her that he is not taking the place of his father! he is not going on holiday with her every year because he is going on holiday with his own family!! One of you needs to tell her that she is the one being selfish. she has had her family time and now it is time for her son to have his family time! as for seeing her every single weekend, what the hell is that all about? does she not have any friends or other family or as is more likely, have abandoned her for being so bloody clingy?

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 21:04

95% of husbandly duties?? If a weekly phone call/visit and a holiday once a year is 95% of what your husband brings to your life I worry about your marriage!

Charlie2121 · 03/04/2024 21:38

Adult children seeing parents every week is not something I’ve experienced. It feels a lot and is not something I’d want to contend with.

As for going on holidays with parents/in-laws I really can’t think of anything worse. I’d never agree to that and nor should you if you don’t want to.

My DH and DC come above everything and everyone else bar none.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 21:47

8 hour drive!???!!

Yes she is batshit. But so is he if he goes along with it.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 21:48

fieldsofbutterflies · 03/04/2024 19:02

He's not just your husband, he's also her son.

Would you be happy to only speak with your son once a week?

He is a husband and father, so they are his priority now. Not his mother!

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 21:48

Pickled21 · 03/04/2024 20:40

I don't think wanting to see your own child once a week is needy. I know this is mumsnet and all but to me that is ridiculous. It doesn't mean you have to visit though. Dh sees mil at least once a week unless she has plans on the weekend. Sometimes I go too, other times I don't. He phones her once a week as do I but I talk to my own parents daily (usually) as they live further away so visits are few and far between.

What is unreasonable is her lack of regard for you. Like it or not you are a family unit so she should be factoring in how expecting him to accompany her on holiday impacts you and your child. If she wants his company she should be willing to compromise on holiday destination. It's about time he speaks to her and explains that he has to factor you and your child into plans too so she can't have everything her own way.

Edited

He isn't a child! He is a grown man with a wife and a baby!

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 21:50

Charlie2121 · 03/04/2024 21:38

Adult children seeing parents every week is not something I’ve experienced. It feels a lot and is not something I’d want to contend with.

As for going on holidays with parents/in-laws I really can’t think of anything worse. I’d never agree to that and nor should you if you don’t want to.

My DH and DC come above everything and everyone else bar none.

I see my mum every week, my son is severely autistic and she provides a couple of hours of care for him each week as respite for me, and she stays for dinner afterwards as a thank you. I don’t think it causes my husband too many issues, he’s grateful for the support and he also likes her company.

Pickled21 · 03/04/2024 22:17

@SwordToFlamethrower that is where you and me differ. Age doesn't stop your kid being your kid or wanting to see them. I didn't say he was a child I'm well aware he's an adult but he's still her son.

Mummame2222 · 03/04/2024 22:20

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/04/2024 18:34

YOUR husband. He's not something that belongs to you, like a car. He's HER son & doesn't belong to her either.

He's a grown man who can decide what time he spends where. If you are unhappy with his decisions then discuss it with him.

MIL isn't the problem here.

😂😂😂

OrangeSlices998 · 03/04/2024 22:21

Send DH and the kids off to see her on a Saturday morning and have some peace/het some jobs done and then you’ve got Sunday free! I don’t think it’s unreasonable, but I think your husband sounds like a wet lettuce and I’m sorry he doesn’t stand up for you when they’re being unkind.

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 22:26

I’d nip spending a whole day of the weekend doing housework in the bud, too. Sounds dull!

YaMuvva · 03/04/2024 22:28

Wait until your baby is an adult and see if wanting to see them once a week is ‘too needy’

GRex · 03/04/2024 22:30

Genuinely can't see any issue with the weekly phonecall on holiday or not, it's just a quick phonecall. He probably spends longer on the toilet.

The visit is OK, but if it's getting in the way of weekends, why not suggest DH goes there every Wednesday night for dinner? You get an evening to yourself at home, he sees mum, it's set in the diary so no issues.

The holiday is too much if you can't get on with the family. Could you 3 stay near the house, to keep your own space and join in just from time to time? I do wonder if it's one of those sad situations where they think you don't like them so they make faces, and you think they don't like you so you make faces, and around it goes when everyone might have just got along ok. It's up to your DH to try to fix this if so, bit the extra bit of distance staying nearby might help you to cope.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 22:42

Pickled21 · 03/04/2024 22:17

@SwordToFlamethrower that is where you and me differ. Age doesn't stop your kid being your kid or wanting to see them. I didn't say he was a child I'm well aware he's an adult but he's still her son.

My son is getting married this year, no way on earth I'd expect him to travel 8 hours every weekend to see me! That's batshit! Or holidays alone! His wife is his first priority now.

I've done my job and raised my son. I would hope to have weekly phone calls and visits when convenient and certainly not at the cost of depriving him time with his wife and baby.

Outrageous

Youdontevengohere · 03/04/2024 22:54

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/04/2024 22:42

My son is getting married this year, no way on earth I'd expect him to travel 8 hours every weekend to see me! That's batshit! Or holidays alone! His wife is his first priority now.

I've done my job and raised my son. I would hope to have weekly phone calls and visits when convenient and certainly not at the cost of depriving him time with his wife and baby.

Outrageous

Show quote history

8 hours travel was for the holiday, not the weekly visits.

redalex261 · 03/04/2024 23:02

I don’t think it’s a big deal to see mum once a week and even phone every day for a few minutes. It’s not too onerous for him to phone surely, and doesn’t affect you in any way. If his weekly visits take too much time out of the weekend perhaps he could alternate weekends or consider nipping in after work instead midweek if she’s close enough. The week’s holiday in a shared house is a bit of a nightmare, even if you like the people. Could this be changed to separate accommodation to dilute the impact of MIL?

As already said no-one expects daughters to discard their mother after marrying so I don’t know why it’s such a big deal with sons. Does your husband want to see his mum regularly or has he said he is being pressured into this level of contact?

Copperoliverbear · 03/04/2024 23:08

Do the housework when he's with his mum, he can do his bit weekday evenings, so one weekend day freed up for socialising problem solved