DD sees her father twice or three times per year for a couple of days out on each occasion (no overnights). We split up a long time ago and he has lived with a number of partners. Ex DH has settled over the last two years with a gf.
His sister says she is controlling and needs to accompany him wherever he goes and she has some “funny” ideas. I’ve been pretty open to this gf as my DD(13) liked her from the first time they met. She was the first gf to talk to her, show an interest in DD and talk about the things she enjoys.
Last time they visited (December), he said that he wasn’t keen on his gf coming into my house when dropping DD back after having lunch/shopping etc. I told him she was very much welcome. DD came back saying that gf had told her all about her anti-vax views etc. DD was balanced about this- has her head screwed on. They asked her to try to stay overnight with them at some point (history of not sleeping- ADHD/Autism).
ExDH made a big thing in the build up to his latest visit that it was just going to be them so they could spend 1:1 time together. Not DD’s suggestion or mine but I think DD was quite pleased. ExDH visited last weekend and gf was with him. She didn’t come to the house (excuse about stomach ache etc, which was fine). Ex DH plonked him self on the sofa like he owned the place and started spouting some really unpleasant, radical and racist stuff which I have never heard come out of his mouth before. DD and I challenged these views very strongly.
ExDH then told me that, at lunch, gf had told DD that her MMR vaccine had given her Autism. DD was a bit shaken by this but it quite scientific in her outlook and knew this had been disproved luckily. She has heard all of their theories about Covid endlessly. She spoke up but gf’s logic was, “You don’t seem autistic anyway.”
Gf had apparently gone around the shops with the Yuka app telling DD that she needs to clear out the makeup she has at home and she (kindly) bought her a Bert’s Bees lips balm, showing her on the app that it was “clean”. Im a long-term vegetarian who does talk about UPFs with DD etc but we are not obsessive.
DD had a huge meltdown the next day when they had gone. She let go and a lot of stuff came pouring about how ExDH had said that there was “a lot” she didn't know about me! She told me that I shouldn’t worry as she knows me inside and out so there’s nothing to say. Felt like a lot of pressure on her shoulders.
Situation with ExDH is that we split when DD was 19 months because he wasn’t present or being a parent to her. Turned out months afterwards that a local taxi driver confessed to my father that he had been visiting a different woman’s house every night. This was happening through the pregnancy too. Our split wasn’t acrimonious as I owned the house and simply asked him to leave. I was used to doing everything on my own by that point anyway. We have always been pleasant when we see each other because there’s no other way to be. We have had our blowouts over the phone when I’ve told him that he should be more involved.
AIBU to think that the radical views/racism/possible alienation are a serious concern? I’d like DD to try to stay over with them but I’m feeling very uncomfortable; more importantly, she has been made to feel uncomfortable. I know they’re totally entitled to their views but I feel worried.