Ex DH’s GF told my DD that her Autism was caused by a vaccine I gave her…

[RainingUK]

DD sees her father twice or three times per year for a couple of days out on each occasion (no overnights). We split up a long time ago and he has lived with a number of partners. Ex DH has settled over the last two years with a gf.

His sister says she is controlling and needs to accompany him wherever he goes and she has some “funny” ideas. I’ve been pretty open to this gf as my DD(13) liked her from the first time they met. She was the first gf to talk to her, show an interest in DD and talk about the things she enjoys.

Last time they visited (December), he said that he wasn’t keen on his gf coming into my house when dropping DD back after having lunch/shopping etc. I told him she was very much welcome. DD came back saying that gf had told her all about her anti-vax views etc. DD was balanced about this- has her head screwed on. They asked her to try to stay overnight with them at some point (history of not sleeping- ADHD/Autism).

ExDH made a big thing in the build up to his latest visit that it was just going to be them so they could spend 1:1 time together. Not DD’s suggestion or mine but I think DD was quite pleased. ExDH visited last weekend and gf was with him. She didn’t come to the house (excuse about stomach ache etc, which was fine). Ex DH plonked him self on the sofa like he owned the place and started spouting some really unpleasant, radical and racist stuff which I have never heard come out of his mouth before. DD and I challenged these views very strongly.

ExDH then told me that, at lunch, gf had told DD that her MMR vaccine had given her Autism. DD was a bit shaken by this but it quite scientific in her outlook and knew this had been disproved luckily. She has heard all of their theories about Covid endlessly. She spoke up but gf’s logic was, “You don’t seem autistic anyway.”

Gf had apparently gone around the shops with the Yuka app telling DD that she needs to clear out the makeup she has at home and she (kindly) bought her a Bert’s Bees lips balm, showing her on the app that it was “clean”. Im a long-term vegetarian who does talk about UPFs with DD etc but we are not obsessive.

DD had a huge meltdown the next day when they had gone. She let go and a lot of stuff came pouring about how ExDH had said that there was “a lot” she didn't know about me! She told me that I shouldn’t worry as she knows me inside and out so there’s nothing to say. Felt like a lot of pressure on her shoulders.

Situation with ExDH is that we split when DD was 19 months because he wasn’t present or being a parent to her. Turned out months afterwards that a local taxi driver confessed to my father that he had been visiting a different woman’s house every night. This was happening through the pregnancy too. Our split wasn’t acrimonious as I owned the house and simply asked him to leave. I was used to doing everything on my own by that point anyway. We have always been pleasant when we see each other because there’s no other way to be. We have had our blowouts over the phone when I’ve told him that he should be more involved.

AIBU to think that the radical views/racism/possible alienation are a serious concern? I’d like DD to try to stay over with them but I’m feeling very uncomfortable; more importantly, she has been made to feel uncomfortable. I know they’re totally entitled to their views but I feel worried.

Thank you for those who have answered the poll. How would you handle this situation? Thanks in advance.

Clearly a very uneducated and ignorant person. I would steer clear.

Also, love when people trot this out… as if even if it were true, why would autism be worse than a deadly disease 😂

Well the girlfriend sounds a bit thick I might be tempted to ask what caused her stupidity ?
Honestly i would just tell her to educate herself and keep her ill informed opnions to herself

Thank you. My DD was wistfully asking me last night if I thought her children would have Autism and should she ever have any; would it be fair? This is a highly intelligent, sociable and lovely person who helps to make the world a bit brighter. I’m so sad she’s thinking of it like that.

Agreed- it’s stupidity. I know everybody is entitled to their opinion but it’s pretty hard to hear such radical views being presented to DD every time she sees them.

If there's anyone independent that your DD can talk to about this? She seems to want to talk but might find out difficult to talk through of bits are about you.

Something like art or animal therapy rather than counselling? Or even just a sensible relative like aunty or grandparent (is ex's sister close to her as someone from that side of the family might be a different dynamic)

Never been assessed but pretty confident I meet the criteria for ASD diagnosis OP. Runs in my family too.

I dropped out of college despite achieving well and have had some struggles along the way but I now work full time in a job I love, have a house and a lovely DH who is also probably neurospicy! We are pregnant with our first baby :)

It is genetic, no denying that. It’s very likely DDs children may also be autistic. Of course it would be fair for her to have them. In fact, it would be easier for her to have autistic children than NT children as she would relate to them better and know how to nurture and care for them. Bless her thinking that way. She can do whatever she wants and she will be fine. She has you, and will have friends and a partner if she chooses, she can do whatever she wants to do.

Thank you. I think that would be a great idea. She is so offended that he makes these suggestions about me when really, it is probably to cover his own back. It would probably be helpful to express all of this. She has got really run down since he left and I daren’t raise the subject of staying with them at present.

It sounds to me as if your ex's girlfriend is a right-wing libertarian crank and she and your ex are both radicalised to a dangerous degree. I would have a really good, serious and open talk with your daughter and ask her how comfortable she truly feels with her dad and his girlfriend, because I think when I was 13, even if I loved my dad, I wouldn't have wanted to spend time with a racist or someone who badmouthed my mother or someone who told me my autism was 'caused' by vaccines. Your DD sounds like a very bright, sensible and rational child who shouldn't have to be exposed to any of this creepy behaviour if she doesn't like it. Because it IS creepy - it's like they're trying to brainwash her.

Basically your ex has shacked up with the female equivalent of, eg, Laurence Fox.

I would not be comfortable at all with overnights. This woman sounds like she has some insane and damaging views which your exH has swallowed hook line and sinker. Your DD is too young to be having to deal with trying to rationalise that bullshit.

Lovely to hear about your DH and pregnancy! That’s a really good point- she’ll relate to her own children more effectively if they are ND. I’ll tell her that next time she mentions it. I’ve told her that some decisions I make/have made for her will surely turn out to be “wrong” but everything (vaccines included) has been done with good intentions.

That’s exactly right. You and your DD sound so lovely. I would limit the time you both spend around ExDHs gf.

Laurence Fox made me LOL but it sadly seems to be the case! It just all feels really radical and it makes me wonder if we have just scratched the surface.

DD has only met ExDH maybe 25 times since we split. They have quite a strained relationship but she would say that she loves him because he’s family. I’ve kept the door open for him and his home with his gf has been the first place that he has invited her into- this is a period of great stability for him.

You will get (stupid) people on here saying 'you sound so judgemental, everyone's entitled to their opinion, what a great opportunity to teach your child to be tolerant of other people's views'
I would just see it as a great opportunity to teach your daughter to fact check anything she hears. If she drops a new tidbit, or her dad says something, I'd take the opportunity to (later on) say 'what do you think' and encourage an open discussion between yourselves. Talking about critical thinking, and fact checking with reluable/multiple sources, and help her work through some of the specific ideas they've presented herself. And also tell her it's okay to sometimes to just ignore what people are saying. I would always encourage people to stand up for what they believe in, but for a 13 year old with autism I think it's a good thing to say 'it's okay to sometimes change the subject, or stay quiet, if you don't have the energy for it'

I cannot believe this woman thinks she should be commenting on your dauhters autism at all. Vile, vile woman.

With respect neither of you have ever been assessed so youu can,t possibly say you have autism

It is also a massive spectrum and it helps no one to minimise the impact it can have on some individual
Yes there is a genetic component and it can run in families but that doesn't necessarily mean what people think it does my son has a chromosome deletion which is thought to be the underlying cause of his autism and learning disabilities, so itsxgenetic but it hssent been inherited from either me or his dad and neither of us are autistic
There is no right or wrong answer about making a choice whether to have a child of you have a diagnosis of autism maybe your children will also have autism maybe they won't, and if they do they may be impacted to varying degrees

@RainingUK

shrs 23, I'd stop her going. The out of them (ExDh &GF) both sound like the kind of people that shouldn't be around young developing minds. Putting stupid ideas in their heads & speaking badly of her mum.

what does DD think?

Thank you all. Very helpful comments- I tend to just talk about “fun things” when I see my friends IRL.

I work in this field, and do wonder if a great number of adults are walking around finding life extra challenging because they’ve masked ND traits. I’m glad I had DD assessed. Took us 12 years though! In hindsight, I think I knew from the time she was about 9months perhaps. Of course it takes a qualified psychiatrist to diagnose but differences are hereditary for sure.

Like the idea about opportunities for critical thinking. Part of me feels that ExDH really is being controlled and manipulated. It is not for me to help him I guess, I can only challenge when I hear things. I’m not a perfect person, because they don’t exist, but I have literally put my head down and got on with raising DD to be the best version of herself she can be. I have expressed to him in the past that my life (100% custody, working full time, struggling for cash) enables him to be free with no caring responsibilities. I realise that I am the lucky one, despite the sacrifices.

DD is horrified that they (in her mind) are trying to instil some kind of doubt about me in her. Being a single parent to an only, they do end up knowing everything about you so she does know this is nonsense. From observing her over the last few days I’d say that it has potentially shaken her self-esteem.

Whatever about the GF / ex views (I know a few folks who are 100% int this stuff) they shouldn’t be telling a 13 year old about it.

Thanks. I think her tender age is actually the main concern. She is very mature and so ExDH tends to talk to her like an adult- was going on about child paedophile rings at one point when he came into my house. I glanced at her, not knowing if she knew about those, but I think she understood. It’s just A LOT isn’t it?!

Correction; she knows what paedophiles are but this was in the context of celebrities eating children or something.

Oh god, he's not a Q-Anon conspiracy theorist is he? Jesus. He's nuts.

Seriously, those people are fully insane and he shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your DD because he's brainwashed and delusional.

Confess I’ve just had to Google that!

Yes! He was going on about Trump too (favourably) and DD and I stopped him and told him our views about Trump’s treatment of women!

If they've upset your dd (and it sounds like they have) they you don't need to encourage her to go see them any more.

There is no intrinsic need for a relationship with an absentee dad. It's only worth doing if it makes her happy or improves her well being. He doesn't. His gf doesn't. So dd shouldn't need to see them any more.

Oh my gosh I have family and in laws just like this.
The racist ones, I have cut all ties with.
The anti-vax, conspiracy 5G reads minds ones I just nod and then laugh at behind my hand.

This is a good time to teach your DD about live and let live, and how to draw boundaries between those you tolerate for being harmlessly mad (the clean makeup idea is hilarious), or those you cut out for being harmful like racist or bigoted.

On autism. I have it. My daughters have it. My dad had it. My uncle had it. Two of my brothers have it. We are all happy to be alive and yes we contribute to society as working, tax paying adults. Tell your DD that we need more neuro diversity in the world, not less so if she wants children to go for it!! They will be wonderful, uniquely beautiful people.