Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

Leave them to it. Centre your life on your DC, your DH, your own social circle and your own needs. You are the survivor of DV and you are doing well. Your brother is denying what happened and demanding that you disbelieve your own experience. This is itself DV. If he wants to pretend it did not happen that's up to him. He has no right to coerce you into playing his game.

One of the reasons I haven’t completely cut off everyone, perhaps the only reason is the future funeral(s) I always imagined I would have to go, how could I not? I don’t honestly know what I would even say at my father’s. I wouldn’t be able to think of even a single nice thing to say about him.

@Polishedshoesalways, you absolutely do not have to go to their funerals. I wouldn't.

My nan was, without a doubt, the loveliest, jolliest, kindest, most accepting woman I have ever met in my entire life and I rarely heard her say anything bad about anyone - except for her father. He was an awful, awful man (a lot like your father, from what you've said) and she once admitted that she wished she hadn't gone to his funeral. And one of her sisters said "I suppose at least seeing him put in the ground gave us the satisfaction of knowing he was definitely dead."

You absolutely do not have to go to the funerals of people who you loathe, whether they are your parents or not.

OP slightly off your post, but could you phone the GP or SS to get a welfare check on your mum? It sounds as if she is becoming unsafe and uncared for at home. As for blocking your brother and walking away from them all - yes definitely and it’s not your fault you were born into all of this. You should be proud of the steps you’ve taken so far and for putting your DC first followed by your own wellbeing

My friends have kind and lovely families! Doddery old dads that clearly adore their dds and support them all. I feel so embarrassed that mine is nothing like that, it makes me feel like ‘damaged goods’ somehow. Inferior. Broken. And maybe they will decide to have friends that have families like theirs or something. I am deeply ashamed of the terrible things that have happened to me. It’s linked to thinking if I had been better, quieter, prettier then it would have been different ( I know that’s not true but that’s what is underneath) I seem to have internalised the abuse.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I also grew up in the 70s and what you experienced was not and is not normal. It was abuse. I'm afraid that, however difficult it is, I would cut contact with the whole family. Block your brother's email and phone and accept that you cannot have such a destabilising influence in your life. You have done so well to get where you are. Concentrate on your lovely husband and children. You deserve to be happy 💐

@Polishedshoesalways that you still manage to be so kind and empathetic towards your mum shows what an incredible person you are. Your mum telling you to leave them all behind & her lack of gaslighting shows she has some care and understanding of what happened. Your brother clearly wants to use that love to continue to abuse you and I wish I could say there is an easy answer to it all but your mum may be right and leaving them all, including her, behind may be the only way to stay sane.

Your aunt is likely taking your brothers side on the surface to avoid him turning on her or isolating your mum from her, but I would bet that when the time comes to know if your mum is sick or there’s a funeral, your aunt will get the info to you.

The unfairness of generational domestic abuse & the power the abusers hold is one of the hardest things to come to terms with and unfathomable in its pain and contradictions unless you’ve lived it.

The thing you can hold on to is you have broken the cycle for your kids. You are loved and safe with the family you created. You have managed something your dad and brother never could. That’s a huge triumph.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP. You've done very well, you have very good insight. None of the shame that you feel belongs with you, it's 'landed' on you because those with whom it does belong are in denial & cannot bear the truth.

Your non of the above and definitely not inferior you have shown your strength and no friend will think like this. They will want to help you, comfort you etc.
Please don't feel ashamed if you were my friend I would be bursting with pride of all you have overcome.

Please also seek further counselling to work through some of this so you can also see for yourself what people are saying on this thread.

For those asking - I only remain in contact with my mother. My brother I haven’t heard from in years up until the last few days. It is linked I imagine to my fathers ill health and he expects me to ‘step up’

I have no contact with my father.
I am on Christmas and birthday card terms with my aunt. The rest of the family have now died.

I have never been able to imagine not attending their funerals to now. It is just unheard of, and I imagine being forced into making a speech about my father and genuinely feeling sick at the thought of what I could possibly say.

I would like to never see my brother again. That scenario gives me relief. The idea that this might all end one day gives me immense relief now I think about it.

My father said he wished I had died after my failed suicide attempt, I think that has always stayed with me. He meant every word.

I ran away from my dad 50 years ago and haven't seen him since. He was also controlling, unpredictable, violent. Cared about us too, in his own way. Very occasionally I feel a twinge of sadness and even guilt about cutting ties - but I never regret it, and neither does my sibling, who did the same thing. We've coped in different ways: I've done lots of therapy, my sibling has buried the past in a concrete box. We're not close but we get along.

It must be very hard for you OP to be the only one being honest about the situation. You are absolutely right to want to protect yourself and your own family. If that means cutting links with your birth family... well, that's the choice they're offering and I'd grab it. (But keep up the therapy!)

I'd keep the lines of communication open with your mum, though it might be difficult. Families like this operate like cults. Just let her know she can always contact you.

I hope this helps hon. Your story touched me. I know our situations aren't quite the same, but believe me there is massive relief, freedom and happiness to be found on the other side.

And forget about the funerals. They're pretty dull affairs anyway ;)

@Polishedshoesalways ...... so much good advice on this thread.

I'm writing this in huge admiration of all you have already done to create a better life for you and your children.

And well done for deciding to tell your friends... a big step... and I suspect that it will deepen those friendships, help you to reduce the shame (which is both understandable, and also the pain of a helpless child in an intolerable place) and they are likely to tell you of other people they know who have been through not dissimilar things.

Meanwhile - one practical thing you could do for your mum, if/when you feel strong enough, is put her on the Register of Elders at Risk of Abuse with Social Services. My Dad was being abused by his wife, and when he was in hospital both the senior nurse and one of the doctors encouraged me to do this, saying how shocked they were by how she treated him. They were clear it was important to have this as documented history in case something major blew up down the line, as well as believing it would reduce her behaviour (she was informed but not who had registered it - it is anonymous). It was very simple to do - although I recognise it is a big step - and it may help protect your Mum from your brother in future.

I also wonder given your love and clear-eyed view of your mother, whether you might open a gentle email dialogue with her twin sister - just as simple as asking her to tell you if/when anything happens to your mother.

I agree with the poster above about summarising what you told us, to use with those you feel appropriate - perhaps for example your mum and her sister. It sounds as if your Mum understands so well why you need to stay away.

But also ... it is fine to do nothing, and just look after your little family and nurture your own supportive friendship group... and to remind yourself how well you have done in looking after yourself and your family.

Your brother has turned into an extension of your father's abuse, I imagine he is using your brother to get at you.

Honestly? As much as it hurts, Id cut them all off, change your email and move on for the safety of your children.

It's a small price to pay to keep yourself and your children away from such abuse.

Your breaking the cycle, you are strong OP, never forget that.

I'm sorry for everything you’ve been through OP. Quite honestly, I’d block everyone including your mother. You have grown up in a very toxic environment, one which your mother will see as normal - it’s not. Well done for protecting your children. As a poster in the first page said, block everyone and enjoy your life. You truly deserve happiness and you won’t get that while still in contact with your family.

This !

I didn’t know about the register, I will definitely look into that today because her vulnerability keeps me awake at night.

My DM seems to think he is ‘past’ hitting and hurting her as she doesn’t recognise that he abuses her every day by shouting at her, putting her down constantly, berating her for the tiniest thing, refusing to help her when he is in a bad mood (she is disabled), cutting her off from her friends, being rude to everyone around them therefore isolating her and telling her she is worthless. She doesn’t see anything wrong in any of this.

He doesn’t need to hit her anymore, he has already broken her.

OP you write so well and very thought prevailing without being a victim.

You know the root cause, and you still have empathy for your mother.

I would keep in touch with your mum so she isn’t completely alone - you could offer her shelter if she ever needed it:

Dont worry about funerals - I went to my fathers and the funeral director spouted all sorts of made up rubbish to make him look good - he wasn’t.

I didn’t cry - I couldn’t. Why waste the tears.

Funerals are not expected. You don’t have to go.

Your brother is currently in denial- because quite simply he finds it easier to try to detach from the memories.

Your mum sounds as though she doesn’t have the strength to change the awful situation she’s in. Although sad, that is ultimately her choice.

Everyone copes with childhood trauma in very different ways. You are coping the best way you can- by protecting yourself and children.

Block your brother. Assume he'll inherit everything. Do what you can for your Mum.

Definitely block your brother. I'd also send something publicly to your aunt to explain that, whether she and the rest believe it or not, your father was and continues to be abusive and you are standing up against this.

As for those that seem to think that your mother "allowed" this abuse to happen well I can only think that they haven't ever been in an abusive relationship of any sort. People don't "allow" this. It creeps in slowly. Someone is charming and loving but then something happens and then they're charming again. And the cycle spins faster and faster until the abuse overtakes the charm. By then it's become so normal and the abused (as you know) can't find a way to challenge it, or to escape it.

meanwhile there's your brother - like father, like son. I wonder how he treats his partner and children, well I don't have to wonder as I think I know.

I was with someone long ago that had a bad temper. But he was a great guy and all that blather. I met his family and they were all lovely. Except for his dad who was a drunk and a nasty piece of work and everyone cringed when he entered the room. I got out of it all, thankfully. Years later I ran into this guy again and he told me how the family was and that how, eventually, his dad had died and that his mom was finally free. Unfortunately by then she had dementia so didn't get to enjoy her freedom. That seemed so incredibly sad to me.

So much love to you, Polishedshoesalways. Not going to add to the advice as I am sure you have had loads of wise words. Just want to send my love and admiration

Decades ago I offered my mum to come and live with us. We even offered to help pay for a place of her own, she said she is fine and she will let me know if she needs me. I have tried for years to get her out of there, and she won’t leave.

They seem to have a codependent relationship that has existed for over half century and she can’t imagine life without him. It’s like some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Nothing will change it now. She knows we are here though.

It is linked I imagine to my fathers ill health and he expects me to ‘step up’
Likely thinks he can coerce you into doing the work while he takes the credit.
This suggests that he's not been able to coerce his wife into doing the care work.

What would I do?
Stand tall, puff my chest out and tell dB do do one.
Do not cower to dB.
You deserve so much more than shit talk from him.
Look after yourself and your family and stay strong.
Have a life away from toxic shit and you will be happier.
Non contact can be liberating.

You really, really don't have to go to any funeral. Even, when it happens, your mum's. You can watch hers remotely and mourn her quietly on your own

Your father you can ignore and block now and the same with your brother.

Just carry on texting with your mum as you are now

These are wise words OP. You are a strong brave person. I know you may not always feel like one but you are.

There are lots of us on here who have had disfunctional childhoods and managed to break the cycle. I've posted about mine before under a different username. My parents are now dead and I no longer have any contact with my siblings - who all choose to remember a very different childhood to what I remember!

Your brother is just as much an abuser as your father was. Block him, for your own peace of mind. Your children are your priority now. Concentrate on the happy family you've made for yourself. Good luck OP.