Drunk friend

[Spencer0220]

A friend who is alcoholic came to visit us unexpectedly this evening. We didn't realise until he turned up that he was very drunk. He continued to drink (we didn't supply alcohol, neither of us drink).

As he was unable to walk, I phoned his wife as they live in walking distance.

She drove round, and whilst my husband tried to get him out to meet his wife, he first said some VERY vile things about my husband being partially blind (and using a white stick). When my husband didn't leave, he then attempted to punch him and run away. Luckily my husband dodged the blow and managed to get friend to wife's car.

Wife would like me to phone friend tomorrow and explain poor behaviour, as apparently her husband is like this all the time and won't accept the truth.

Honestly, I want to cut the friend out totally. His behaviour was completely unacceptable. My husband was shaking like a leaf all evening. It terrified him as he couldn't really see what was going on.

AIBU to not phone and just cut him out? How would you handle situation? I don't think it's on me to explain to a man 20 years my senior why he can't go around trying to punch people who can't see.

YANBU at all. Tell the wife you have absolutely no desire to speak with him tomorrow or ever again.
Not your problem to fix.

YANBU OP. IF he accepts he has a problem and gets sober then perhaps he can be your friend again but as it stands I wouldn't give him the time of day currently.

No, just say we don’t want anything further to do with him and will be having no further contact.

YANBU - talk to the wife and suggest therapy for her

I personally would show up and tear a strip off him.

I tend to lose my shit though when someone threatens my family. I get a little reactive. 😉

"Wife would like me to phone friend tomorrow and explain poor behaviour, as apparently her husband is like this all the time and won't accept the truth."

I probably would phone him, but to give him an absolute earful, not to 'explain'. And I'd be telling her to protect herself, physically, emotionally and financially from her arsehole husband.

I'd phone him to read him the riot act about his shitty behaviour, how the friendship was now at an end and how if he ever showed up at my house again the police would be called.

I might go out for a coffee with his poor wife if she wanted and to offer her support, but I wouldn't want him to be present and would make that clear.

I felt like doing this earlier. Honestly he was pretty vile while he was here. He said some nasty things about me only marrying my husband for money.

I didn't. I married him because I love him. It makes no difference to us that he's the earner.

I lost my shit with the wife when I found out my husband had his sight mocked.

I'd ring him tomorrow say he is not welcome at your house anymore and explain his bad behaviour. Suggest he gets help for his problem before he loses everything and say please don't try to apologise as it's not enough.

I'd phone him,come near me house again..it's the police you will be dealing with and do not contact us again.

I’d let him know exactly why you don’t want anything to do with him. However, I think you should apologise to his wife for losing your shit with her. She isn’t the mean alcoholic, and her life is probably really hard, living with one.

I know this is what NEEDS to happen.

But I hate the thought of his wife and daughter struggling alone.

I know. That wasn't my finest moment.

I think I just reacted on adrenaline. Doesn't excuse me though.

She wants you to supply his rock bottom. Her leaving him would accomplish the same thing, probably much more effectively.

Do you mean I show him he's reached the worst point he can?

How would I know that?

YANBU!
Your poor husband!

You won’t get through to him any more than she has managed.

Alcoholics don’t take heed of others; they have to be ready to face it themselves.

She’s grasping at straws. As PP said, she’d be better leaving him.

I personally don't think you should feel bad for losing your shit on her.

She is asking you to help fix him. You can't.

She could leave especially for her daughters sake.

You are NOT responsible for her staying with a vile person. I think it's ballsy as anything she has asked you to talk to him.

She could pack her bags tonight and leave with her daughter. That would make an impact.

YANBU. Your poor husband, he must’ve felt like he was being ripped to shreds when the comments about his sight were coming, the punch being the final blow. Don’t pick up the phone to him, pick up the phone to the police and report him. Cut contact and I hope you have a camera/ring door bell as proof he was at least there. What a nasty shit that man is. I hope your DH is ok.

Someone else has said it here.

until an addict wakes up and realises what a nasty arsehole they are, nothing can be said to them. If you are really unlucky, u may end up in the same place as him, were he has found another drinking partner and he’s mocking the world

drinkers and smokers when they stop drinking and smoking find they have very little in common with what we’re close friends.

tell the prick to F off if he turns up on your doorstep again, but I wouldn’t get involved with long, soul searching, conversations about what a vile drunk he is, sounds selfish, but life is too short

He won’t listen to her because he is an alcoholic. That’s how alcoholism works. He won’t listen to you any more than he does to her and he is not your responsibility, you need to put your own family first. His wife is clutching at straws - it’s sad, but no one can deal with the situation for her.

I have had to drop a friendship with an alcoholic before after many attempts to help him. It was sad but the right thing to do. You can still extend friendship to his wife if you want to.

Ps I’ve not worked out how to edit and predictive text is vicious on this phone. “Were” not we’re

Wife would like me to phone friend tomorrow and explain poor behaviour, as apparently her husband is like this all the time and won't accept the truth.

He's unlikely to accept the truth from you either.

He doesn't need an explanation of his behaviour .He knows Full well what he has done. I am aware alcoholism is an illness but that doesn't mean everyone else has to tolerate bad behaviour. His wife needs to get tough and put him and his belongings on the other side of her front door

Realistically what could police do? Friend didn't actually land the punch. He was so drunk he missed.

We have proof he was here, yes.

I didn't actually see what happened. I am in a wheelchair and because my husband had run ahead, I couldn't follow.

I have spent all night blaming myself. It was my answering the phone that meant our friend came. It was my idea my husband walk home with him. My husband might use a white stick, but he's walked that route countless times. So I just thought, for safety he could at least follow our friend home and raise the alarm if he fell or something.

That was utterly ridiculous and stupid of me and I feel terrible.

My husband has been a mess all night.

He's understandably told me that he won't allow this man in our flat again. I agree 100%. I'm just concerned what will happen if my husband sees him out and about while he's on one of his walks, which happens often.

I don't know what to suggest other than tell my husband to scream very loudly for help. If my husband is out walking 99% of the time I stay on the phone in case I need to get him help. It's never happened yet. I just worry with his vision.