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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunk friend

97 replies

Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 03:21

A friend who is alcoholic came to visit us unexpectedly this evening. We didn't realise until he turned up that he was very drunk. He continued to drink (we didn't supply alcohol, neither of us drink).

As he was unable to walk, I phoned his wife as they live in walking distance.

She drove round, and whilst my husband tried to get him out to meet his wife, he first said some VERY vile things about my husband being partially blind (and using a white stick). When my husband didn't leave, he then attempted to punch him and run away. Luckily my husband dodged the blow and managed to get friend to wife's car.

Wife would like me to phone friend tomorrow and explain poor behaviour, as apparently her husband is like this all the time and won't accept the truth.

Honestly, I want to cut the friend out totally. His behaviour was completely unacceptable. My husband was shaking like a leaf all evening. It terrified him as he couldn't really see what was going on.

AIBU to not phone and just cut him out? How would you handle situation? I don't think it's on me to explain to a man 20 years my senior why he can't go around trying to punch people who can't see.

OP posts:
TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 03/04/2024 07:45

Report to the police. They won't do anything but log it but it will be important to have a record of this incident if he does anything else to you in the future.

lovelygreenmug · 03/04/2024 08:40

I absolutely would ring him. I'd calmly tell him what he did, the things he said and that he is no longer welcome in your home and you won't be socialising with him either. Let him know that if any mutual friends ask what's happened between you all, you will tell the truth.

If he is deeply into his addiction, it might not do any good but in any event, his addiction is not your responsibility.

Maray1967 · 03/04/2024 08:45

Josette77 · 03/04/2024 03:37

I personally would show up and tear a strip off him.

I tend to lose my shit though when someone threatens my family. I get a little reactive. 😉

I would do this as well. He would be in no doubt by the time I’d finished with him how appalling he was. It would also hopefully help his wife, but my main motive would be to give him the bollocking of a lifetime. He could never be welcome in my home again and I would make that clear to him.

Babsexxx · 03/04/2024 08:45

What a dick I’ve got friends that are moderate drinkers and I have friends that are heavy drinkers and they definitely don’t behave like that! He must be extremely intoxicated getting black out drunk how scary for all involved including his wife! I feel terrible for her! And your poor husband.

The man definitely needs help if he’s like this 24/7 but why is he like this 24/7? There is always a cause for people to spiral this badly?

Babsexxx · 03/04/2024 08:48

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 03/04/2024 07:45

Report to the police. They won't do anything but log it but it will be important to have a record of this incident if he does anything else to you in the future.

Yeah I agree with this people will only get help when they are at rock bottom and everything needs documenting so they can review and see when it’s explained to them that there is a major issue having a police report due to drunken ugly behaviour is one too many!

EverybodyLTB · 03/04/2024 08:49

If a person is so deep in their messed-upness, that they go round to berate and attack a person in a wheelchair and a visually impaired person, they’re too far gone. Assuming they also haven’t contacted you begging forgiveness and promising change, and taking action …. As Mrs TP says above, the wife wants you to be his rock bottom. He hasn’t reached it in any other way, though. I dread to think how he treats his wife and child, and that hasn’t changed him. He has to choose to seek help and actually want it. Me, personally, I’d ring him and tell him about himself to get it off my chest, but be under no illusion. You won’t be the catalyst for change in him.

moreminieggsplease · 03/04/2024 08:53

I think I would tell him as clearly as possible exactly what he was like. Also if yoi have doorbell footage, show him. I’d then also tell him his wife should leave him and we never want to see him again.

MoonWoman69 · 03/04/2024 09:07

Tell his wife you want nothing more to do with him, but that you have no problem with her at all. Tell her so long as he isn't around, you'll keep the friendship with her.
Sadly, people seem to think that the more people who get involved in telling an alcoholic their behaviour is out of control, they will suddenly have a break in the clouds where the sun shines through and they immediately seek help! It does not work like that, they have to see it themselves. Alcoholism is a selfish addiction.
I can understand how she came to the conclusion that you also telling him might work. But it really isn't your issue to get involved with or solve. It sounds like he wouldn't be sober enough to take it on board anyway!
You sound like you have enough on your plate. If he rings again, asking to come round, just say "no, we don't want to see you round here ever again after last time" then put the phone down. 🌺

Zyq · 03/04/2024 09:15

Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 05:02

I know this is what NEEDS to happen.

But I hate the thought of his wife and daughter struggling alone.

Show quote history

So make that call and tell his wife you'll help her as much as you realistically can if she decides to leave.

Noseybookworm · 03/04/2024 09:32

I wouldn't speak to him on the phone. I'd send the wife a message stating exactly what he did and saying that you no longer want any contact with him at all and that he needs to stay away from you and your husband. She can then show him the message.

hayless · 03/04/2024 09:59

No point you phoning him. There is nothing anyone can say to change an alcoholic. People think they just need to find the right cutting phrase, or dramatic accusation, and they'll get through to the drunk. No. Doesn't happen.

But you can tell that to the wife. Tell her to go to Al-Anon. Be a friend to her, as well.

hayless · 03/04/2024 10:01

Sadly, people seem to think that the more people who get involved in telling an alcoholic their behaviour is out of control, they will suddenly have a break in the clouds where the sun shines through and they immediately seek help! It does not work like that, they have to see it themselves. Alcoholism is a selfish addiction.

Yes this is so true @MoonWoman69 It's a damaging fallacy, and makes people around the drunk think they could cure it if they just found the right words, or got angry enough.

KreedKafer · 03/04/2024 11:18

I appreciate that the wife wants her husband to truly understand his bad behaviour when he's drunk, but honestly, that is very much NOT your problem.

You have absolutely no obligation to engage with a man who turned up at your home, got so drunk he could barely stand, and abused and attempted to violently assault your partially-sighted husband. He is a danger and you are not responsible for fixing him. I wouldn't speak to him ever again and I would be making that very clear to his wife.

binkie163 · 03/04/2024 11:30

hayless · 03/04/2024 09:59

No point you phoning him. There is nothing anyone can say to change an alcoholic. People think they just need to find the right cutting phrase, or dramatic accusation, and they'll get through to the drunk. No. Doesn't happen.

But you can tell that to the wife. Tell her to go to Al-Anon. Be a friend to her, as well.

Agree with this. Alcoholics are adept liars and kindness is just another form of enabling. They will say whatever gets the response they want, especially if you are prone to feel sorry for them. I would also be wary of the wife, it isn't your problem, if she is codependent she is trying to involve you in their drama. It is an ongoing cycle of behaviour. Any apologies are empty.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, my childhood was miserable and shaming. I have zero sympathy for alcoholics.

Lovetotravel123 · 03/04/2024 11:32

I think it is fine to just cut him out. Also, recommend Al Anon to the wife, if she doesn’t attend already. There are lots of meetings online.

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 11:34

This man was, until yesterday, a friend right? So I absolutely WOULD tell him. I probably wouldn't be bothered to call him - why should you have to listen to him being defensive etc. But send him a text message or email stating clearly that he is no longer welcome in your home and you do not wish to be friends with him any longer because his behaviour was completely unacceptable, culminating in abusive and harassing language and an attempted assault.

cc his wife.

Then block him.

hatehavingacold · 03/04/2024 11:40

My goodness, you don't need this in your life. I wouldn't make any further contact and if he calls again a polite no thank you and close the door.

hayless · 03/04/2024 11:42

binkie163 · 03/04/2024 11:30

Agree with this. Alcoholics are adept liars and kindness is just another form of enabling. They will say whatever gets the response they want, especially if you are prone to feel sorry for them. I would also be wary of the wife, it isn't your problem, if she is codependent she is trying to involve you in their drama. It is an ongoing cycle of behaviour. Any apologies are empty.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, my childhood was miserable and shaming. I have zero sympathy for alcoholics.

Show quote history

I truly understand, @binkie163 They are rotten inside.

Therealjudgejudy · 03/04/2024 11:46

I totally agree with@GingerIsBest .

Your poor husband op.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 13:03

Thank you everyone. I'm going to phone the wife.

I feel sick

OP posts:
CoffeeCantata · 03/04/2024 13:16

Cut contact with both of them. This behaviour is unforgiveable, and you have nothing to lose.

It's absolutely NOT your problem. Please, OP, be firm and get rid. He sounds repulsive.

I have zero patience with drunks. They talk complete rubbish and then don't remember any of it the next day. What on earth, or any other planet, is the point of wasting time socialising with a drunk?

wheo · 03/04/2024 13:18

Just say you want nothing to do with him anymore.

He will get the message then

KTheGrey · 03/04/2024 13:23

I would report to the police. You mention that you are in a wheelchair as well as your husband being visually impaired, and those make any harassment or attempt at violence more serious. They can go and see this guy, and tell him it's serious, and possibly advise you about getting some sort of order where the "friend" must stay away from you.

Josette77 · 03/04/2024 13:30

You're in a wheelchair.

You're husband is vision impaired.

Screw them both frankly.

The wife making this your problem is even more horrifying to me given you are both vulnerable.

No. Just no.

He's not willing to change for his wife or daughter, he's certainly not going to change for you.

Ironically the wife can't see that despite the fact she's not willing to leave for her daughter either.

These situations enrage me.

Signed,

Daughter of addicts

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2024 13:37

Why are you friends with an abusive alcaholic old enough to be your father in the first place|?