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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunk friend

97 replies

Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 03:21

A friend who is alcoholic came to visit us unexpectedly this evening. We didn't realise until he turned up that he was very drunk. He continued to drink (we didn't supply alcohol, neither of us drink).

As he was unable to walk, I phoned his wife as they live in walking distance.

She drove round, and whilst my husband tried to get him out to meet his wife, he first said some VERY vile things about my husband being partially blind (and using a white stick). When my husband didn't leave, he then attempted to punch him and run away. Luckily my husband dodged the blow and managed to get friend to wife's car.

Wife would like me to phone friend tomorrow and explain poor behaviour, as apparently her husband is like this all the time and won't accept the truth.

Honestly, I want to cut the friend out totally. His behaviour was completely unacceptable. My husband was shaking like a leaf all evening. It terrified him as he couldn't really see what was going on.

AIBU to not phone and just cut him out? How would you handle situation? I don't think it's on me to explain to a man 20 years my senior why he can't go around trying to punch people who can't see.

OP posts:
Compash · 03/04/2024 13:38

Oh bless you, you've both had a horrible shock. And I think getting any further involved will both sustain the feeling of upset, and not help you or them.

This is all upsetting and fresh now, but be kind to yourselves and do nice things and the adrenaline will fade soon. I hope you will find peace in not having any further contact with him - that will help you, and send enough of a 'message' to him.

And I agree with others - you can't 'make' this his 'rock bottom' - Al-anon is the best resource for his wife now. Maybe this will be her rock bottom and she'll get the help she needs from the right source...

Compash · 03/04/2024 13:39

BTW my husband and I don't have disabilities, but this would upset us too. 🤗

OrlandointheWilderness · 03/04/2024 13:40

Good luck @Spencer0220. Absolutely vile behaviour, I feel for you both.

ObsidianTree · 03/04/2024 13:40

I'd send him a text telling him you are cutting him off and for what reasons. You could even report him to the police really... So you could mention that too!

PhuckyNell · 03/04/2024 13:41

edited to say sorry wrong thread!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 14:07

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2024 13:37

Why are you friends with an abusive alcaholic old enough to be your father in the first place|?

He only lives 5 minutes away, we'd bump into him regularly in the area. When he wasn't drunk we built a good friendship.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 03/04/2024 15:10

So many people here saying they'd rip him a new arsehole etc. Sadly, that doesn't work with alcoholics. They are not just "normal" drunk people. You wouldn't adopt this approach with a hardened heroin addict would you? Well, the level of addiction and the obliteration of brain cells, dignity and self control are on the same level. Nobody, absolutely nobody can help an addict but themselves. They need to hit rock bottom first. That means losing everything, including their job, home, family and everything that is remotely normal in their lives. Some recover, most don't. Source: my deceased DH was one. It was like living with a zombie that wanted to destroy himself and take everyone else with him.

Ellie1015 · 03/04/2024 15:31

Awful behaviour definitely cut contact and to achieve that i would tell him which is also what wife wants. Hopefully he does change but i expect that is unlikely, hopefully at least shames him into staying away if you bump into him when out and about.

TrickorTreacle · 03/04/2024 15:52

Any update re the telephone call @Spencer0220

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 16:07

TrickorTreacle · 03/04/2024 15:52

Any update re the telephone call @Spencer0220

Wife hasn't answered. I'm not surprised, daughter mentioned they might go out.

I don't want to keep phoning. It's not urgent.

Absolutely not going to phone drunk friend directly.

He's also not texted me or called me today, kind of telling.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 03/04/2024 16:20

I might write to him to say that you've enjoyed his friendship in the past, don't wish to socialise with him for the foreseeable future due to his comments and actions last night, would be happy to remain in contact with his wife, hope he can address his issues

It's not your responsibility to fix him

You were out of order berating his wife

billyt · 03/04/2024 16:23

I definitely wouldn't waste time phoning a drunk. He's probably stoned all the time and will be pissed you dare call him out. He won't listen.

Bigcat25 · 03/04/2024 16:31

I would tell him off. Why not? Help his wife out. He doesn't believe her so needs to hear it from another person. You don't need to see or talk to him after that. Extremely sorry that happened to you both.

Gettingonmygoat · 03/04/2024 18:16

I would have to stand in front of him and tell him exactly why he was no longer a friend.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 19:08

Finally talked with wife.

Minimised behaviour. Told me I was wrong about how it happened.

I told her, her husband wasn't welcome. She told me we didn't need to go so far. I reiterated that regardless of why, her husband tried to punch my disabled husband.

I said I'd stay friends with her and daughter, but she ended call there.

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 03/04/2024 19:12

Don't let her minimise what happened,I really don't see what you get out of this friendship.personally I wouldn't bother.

Josette77 · 03/04/2024 19:21

She's not a friend. She is treating you horribly.

So yesterday it was up to you to set him straight, and today it wasn't a big deal?

You can be in a shitty relationship with a shitty person and be a shitty person as well.

Neither of them are good people.

JPGR · 03/04/2024 19:24

Oh well. Her loss. You did the right thing.

Josette77 · 03/04/2024 19:25

ginasevern · 03/04/2024 15:10

So many people here saying they'd rip him a new arsehole etc. Sadly, that doesn't work with alcoholics. They are not just "normal" drunk people. You wouldn't adopt this approach with a hardened heroin addict would you? Well, the level of addiction and the obliteration of brain cells, dignity and self control are on the same level. Nobody, absolutely nobody can help an addict but themselves. They need to hit rock bottom first. That means losing everything, including their job, home, family and everything that is remotely normal in their lives. Some recover, most don't. Source: my deceased DH was one. It was like living with a zombie that wanted to destroy himself and take everyone else with him.

I'm so sorry for everything you went through.

My Dad died of a drug overdose when I was young.

I wouldn't tear a strip off him in order to end his addiction, I'd tear a strip off him so he stayed the hell away from me and my family.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 19:50

Thanks everyone

Onwards and upwards.

Looks like daughter has blocked me too.

OP posts:
Compash · 03/04/2024 19:59

I guess she's lashing out at the wrong person because she's still not ready to lash out at him about it in the cold light of day.

🤷‍♀️

Can't rush her. Just take care of yourself. You did your best. At least you know there is no danger of this happening again while you're no contact; perhaps she'll be ready in future and will remember that you extended the hand of friendship.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 03/04/2024 20:27

Youve done more than most would do. Look after yourselves.

muggart · 03/04/2024 21:25

I would consider asking the police to log it too, if only to demonstrate to DH that you have his back and to give him more of a sense of safety around town.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 03/04/2024 22:37

ScroogeMcDuckling · 03/04/2024 20:27

Youve done more than most would do. Look after yourselves.

Curious. What would most people do? I thought we were just being decent.

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 03/04/2024 23:15

That's why her husband is an alcoholic prick, because she doesn't address his problems and minimises his behaviour, stay away from all of them.