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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family are awful - but I love them

126 replies

babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:10

My family are loud, chaotic and dysfunctional, and some of them have views which are truly unpleasant, racist, sexist, etc.

I live far away from them and when I visit them I feel worn down and depressed by the drama and chaos that is going on in their lives.

I am centre-left. They are much further right - some of them quite far right.

And 90% of what they talk about is politics.

But I love them, so I keep going, despite the fact that I thoroughly dislike who they are as people and find some of them deeply unpleasant (for example my brother who is a huge fan of Andrew Tate).

Anyone else feel this way? AIBU to strongly dislike them but keep going anyway? Am I a fool? How do you deal?

OP posts:
brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:11

what’s your life like beyond your family?

because it must be pretty empty if you suck this up

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:12

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:11

what’s your life like beyond your family?

because it must be pretty empty if you suck this up

My life beyond my family is fulfilling and happy.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/04/2024 17:13

I think it's not unreasonable to love them, you can't really help that. It is unreasonable to keep going to visit and being miserable though. Just visit once or twice a year and be busy etc the rest of the time.

pootlin · 02/04/2024 17:13

YABU. Racists and sexists are scum. Don’t try to normalise them.

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 02/04/2024 17:14

I’m the same with mine and I think lots of people are even though on here most say that’s they’d go NC.

I don’t really have much advice rather than to pick your battles. I do call them out on some things but don’t want to spend the whole time with them (which is only a few times a year) to be full of bickering and sulking. I just make a point of modelling good behaviour for my DC. I think part of that is teaching them that racism/ sexism isn’t acceptable but also that we have to lean how to find common ground with people and not just live in an echo chamber.

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:14

pootlin · 02/04/2024 17:13

YABU. Racists and sexists are scum. Don’t try to normalise them.

I don't know where I said that it was normal?

I hate it.

OP posts:
Ruralrules · 02/04/2024 17:17

Perhaps they don't have the same education or lifestyle as you do. I think it's good to challenge these type of views rather than just casting them out, a bit like hating the sin but not the sinner.

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:18

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 02/04/2024 17:14

I’m the same with mine and I think lots of people are even though on here most say that’s they’d go NC.

I don’t really have much advice rather than to pick your battles. I do call them out on some things but don’t want to spend the whole time with them (which is only a few times a year) to be full of bickering and sulking. I just make a point of modelling good behaviour for my DC. I think part of that is teaching them that racism/ sexism isn’t acceptable but also that we have to lean how to find common ground with people and not just live in an echo chamber.

Thanks for the thoughtful post.

I agree that it is important not to live in an echo chamber (which I think they do) - and to some degree, my visits are probably beneficial because I think in a different way, and perhaps my point of view is not one that they often hear.

The problem is I can either spend my time with them arguing, or to walk out of the room (which is what I normally do).

I only visit about 3 times a year.

I have a need to know that that they are alright - I love them - but they're really not very nice people.

It's really not black and white at all - thanks for recognising that.

OP posts:
brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:18

babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:12

My life beyond my family is fulfilling and happy.

Show quote history

and do other people in your life also come with you when you visit the vile family?

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:19

Ruralrules · 02/04/2024 17:17

Perhaps they don't have the same education or lifestyle as you do. I think it's good to challenge these type of views rather than just casting them out, a bit like hating the sin but not the sinner.

My brothers had the same upbringing/ education as me.

OP posts:
KatParr · 02/04/2024 17:19

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:11

what’s your life like beyond your family?

because it must be pretty empty if you suck this up

Did you mean to come across as such an arsehole. I'm guessing you did 🙄

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:20

The problem is I can either spend my time with them arguing, or to walk out of the room (which is what I normally do).

or not visit

how long do you visit for?
Do they ever visit you?

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:21

KatParr · 02/04/2024 17:19

Did you mean to come across as such an arsehole. I'm guessing you did 🙄

Show quote history

because the op loves a racist, sexist and deeply and profoundly unpleasant family and travels a very long distance to spend time with them

KatParr · 02/04/2024 17:22

I feel similar to you @babaisyou
All I can advise (if you want to keep contact) is put an emotional suit of armour on before you visit, just keep saying "I don't agree, but I'm not interested in arguing about it" on repeat. And heave a big sigh of relief when you get to drive back home to sanity.

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:22

do you take your partner / children with you or go alone?

ChanelNo19EDT · 02/04/2024 17:22

I hear you and admire your ability to stay calm and accept that other people are ..... other people. It's not normalising their views, it's knowing where you stop and they begin. I wish my family had this skill. I let my mother upset me. She is awful too, but now I have no mother. Is that better than putting up with her used to be? Pros and cons.

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:24

brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:22

do you take your partner / children with you or go alone?

I don't have children. My DH often comes but not always.

OP posts:
Hagpie · 02/04/2024 17:24

You’re not unreasonable to still love them but gently, YABU to subject yourself to it. My DH’s family is like that and he cut all the offenders off. Same with my dad and his family.

DH says life is so much more peaceful than without them and he should have done it sooner.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2024 17:26

You can love someone and still make the choice not to have them in your life because you know their presence in it is toxic.

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:27

Hagpie · 02/04/2024 17:24

You’re not unreasonable to still love them but gently, YABU to subject yourself to it. My DH’s family is like that and he cut all the offenders off. Same with my dad and his family.

DH says life is so much more peaceful than without them and he should have done it sooner.

I understand what you are saying, but it's sort of impossible for me to cut them off.

For example I am close to my mum, but my brother etc. are always there when I visit. I can't have one without the other. My mum can't travel to me regularly for various reasons, health etc. so I would only see her maximum once a year if she had to travel.

It's not really a case of simply cutting out the offenders.

I also care about my siblings despite the way they are.

OP posts:
brocollilover · 02/04/2024 17:28

babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:24

I don't have children. My DH often comes but not always.

Show quote history

once you have children

you may decide that enough is enough

not a chance i’d want to subject children to this family

AffIt · 02/04/2024 17:29

I'm very lucky in that my family are all well aligned in terms of politics and core beliefs.

My grandfather was a senior trade unionist, so my family are centre left, many of my cousins have married or are in relationships with people from other cultures / religions / ethnic origins etc and my OH's family are broadly similar (apart from the weird Tory BiL, but he's avoidable).

However, I agree that we shouldn't live in echo chambers and a bit of healthy debate is a good thing.

Racism / sexism are hard lines for me, though.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 02/04/2024 17:29

I think its entirely possible to love family with views and values that aren't acceptable to you.
You just need to be wary of upholding your own integrity- for your own sake. If you fail to challenge their opinions or even worse hide your own for the sake of peace and harmony then that's a road that will make you miserable in the end.
But as long as you are truly yourself, you can continue to enjoy the bond you have them - which regardless of differing values is inevitable given your shared experiences.
These types of relationships are never as black and white as some posters will have you believe

Original poster
babaisyou · 02/04/2024 17:29

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2024 17:26

You can love someone and still make the choice not to have them in your life because you know their presence in it is toxic.

Very wise and true - but not easy in practice when it's people you've loved since they were little kids.

OP posts:
Hagpie · 02/04/2024 17:29

Oh btw we did this thing where we left after 3 racist things or an hour. Not like one racist rant with 3 racist tropes in it, I mean 3 separately racist things and we never made it to the hour. Maybe it could work for you?

”Racism is actually good and natural because…” (actual quote btw but I can’t be bothered to type out his very-detailed explanation to me, a biracial person).
”Yup okay well this was only a quick visit best be off.” :)