My family are awful - but I love them

[babaisyou]

My family are loud, chaotic and dysfunctional, and some of them have views which are truly unpleasant, racist, sexist, etc.

I live far away from them and when I visit them I feel worn down and depressed by the drama and chaos that is going on in their lives.

I am centre-left. They are much further right - some of them quite far right.

And 90% of what they talk about is politics.

But I love them, so I keep going, despite the fact that I thoroughly dislike who they are as people and find some of them deeply unpleasant (for example my brother who is a huge fan of Andrew Tate).

Anyone else feel this way? AIBU to strongly dislike them but keep going anyway? Am I a fool? How do you deal?

“undiagnosed”

so your parents never progressed and they went to mainstream school without any support?

All of the above.

My siblings are successful, financially independent and have their own businesses.

It's part of their whole outlook on life that they should not be 'scrounging off the state'. They're very wealthy.

both men are “undiagnosed” autistic

life just have been very hard for them as children / teens. Why didn’t your parents pursue support for them

Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about here.

My parents are financially successful/ very wealthy as are my siblings.

They didn't have support or a diagnosis at school.

Well this is a whole other thing that I have an issue with.

yes

your parents didn’t pursue support for their two sons. “undiagnosed autistic”

life would have been very tough for them in school / teens

why didnt your parents pursue

that your parents didn’t do anything to support their sons with their “undiagnosed autism”?

What do you want me to say? This is one of the issues I have with my family - I wish they'd have pursued support - they think it would not have helped because the school would have 'pandered' to them.

I sympathise OP. I have some family members who also hold similar views. For context, white working class, older generation with very entrenched prejudices. Fairly typical where we live & I have plenty of friends with similar relatives so sadly not uncommon. They are probably not as overt about it as your family though by the sounds of it.
I don't bother trying to challenge their views but spend as little time with them as possible. Some of them I send a Xmas card and see them at weddings/funerals, that's it!

Do you have your stay with them when you visit? Maybe stay at a hotel and you meet your mum on neutral ground for trips out or a meal/coffee?

@brocollilover you're being unnecessarily combative with @babaisyou who is answering all of your loaded questions, despite your hectoring.

I think you must lead a rather sheltered life if you think her wedding guests even remember anything her family said. These kind of comments are insidious rather than overt and unfortunately there’s huge parts of the country where no one would bat an eyelid. I look down on many of the views held by certain family members and think it’s down to ignorance and lack of exposure to those different to them. However, I also know that they think I “don’t live in the real world” and am a Pollyanna do-gooder, the kind of which is responsible for “this country having gone to the dogs.” They’d be far from alone too.

@brocollilover god stop hounding the OP, you're interrogating her to a ridiculous level

Keep doing what you're doing - visiting occasionally and putting more moderate views on life to them. Maybe you could try and get off politics altogether.
They are family even if some of their opinions are unpleasant don't block them out just because of that

because these are “undiagnosed autistic” men spouting sexist and racism views, and even advocate Andrew Tate.

They will be appalling to women, colleagues, partners

i think their parents failed them by not progressing a diagnosis

and now society suffers having these vile men spout their views

i will bow out

these men…. can you imagine if your daughter, sister, niece brought them home as a new boyfriend. How worried you’d be

Cue the classic Mumsnet response. Cut them OFF!!!!! NEVER talk to those aresholes again!!!!

Fgs, what simplistic & bad advice. Just keep doing what you're doing OP & you sound like you are doing it brilliantly. Families are complicated, but you only have one and they love you. You don't sound the type who'd suit NC and that's fine, I couldn't cut off my family either, I have friends who similarly couldn't do the same.

All you can do is grit your teeth, pick your battles & unpack it all to your partner, or to yourself in private when you've been wound up and get on with it.

There's nothing wrong with going NC in certain circumstances. It's up to the OP. But don't be so dismissive of the rest of us who had to go through the trauma of doing it. It just comes across as bitchy tbh.

Large numbers of people don’t receive support in school that would be helpful and some of those would fit the diagnosis of autism. This can’t be news to anyone surely? Your parents presumably made their decisions based on what they thought was right. That’s what we all do.

It is not down to the OP to 'do it brilliantly' if she is suffering. People don't have to waste a lifetime gritting their teeth and unpacking in private. We have options that mean we don't have to tolerate people who undermine us, belittle our values and make us feel uncomfortable or less of ourselves. If all else has been tried and their is no hope of a happy ending then going no contact saves many people.

There isn't a type of person who suits going non contact. Some people have it forced on them as their only option.

"Families are complicated,* *but you only have one." For some people this is a huge relief. I get a sense @Musomama1 that for you and your friends family is a happy thing. I'm so happy if that is the case, but it absolutely isn't for everyone. For some it is hell.

People who have lovely, liberal open minded families don’t know how lucky they are. Some of us are stuck with less than perfect family members. I challenge mine on their antiquated views and make sure my children know what’s not ok. However I don’t want to cut my parents off because I love them. They also love me and my children. It’s possible to love people you disagree with (although it is harder).

People are being so mean to the OP. Her families views are not her fault.

You are talking nonsense; what a ridiculous statement. Brexidiots and bigots need sensible people around them to oppose them.

Undiagnosed autism? Well for a start stop excusing their behaviour with it then.

I get how difficult it is to deal with awful family and the position it puts you in. I really do. But stop blaming 'their autism' and start setting ground rules for when they are around you. Or put up with it and do nothing.

Spewing such racist bile that people in a restaurant complained? They are racist and sexist arseholes - accept it and act accordingly. One day they will run into people who will do more than complain to the management of a restaurant. Perhaps just hope that you are not standing next to them when they do.

Oh jog on, ironic how you are just as narrow minded as OPs family but just in a different way

I did not say that's all they were or that she should cut them off completely. But they are racists and sexists. Ok but have it your way they are racists and sexists but like their dog, have good taste in films and music as long as it's by artists with the right skin colour (whatever that might be as am not assuming their race).

Given that the OP is voicing her dislike of their views and others have complained they are aware of how others view what they say. They just do not see anything wrong with it. But they are racists and sexists, hopefully their views will evolve for the better as people can and do change. But certainly not by excusing them.

Being autistic is red herring. That's nothing to do with these beliefs.

You have 3 choices op

Carry on as you are.

Call them out and talk to them, especially your brother's, autistic or not.

Cut them out.

Personally I would choose option 2. While it absolutely isn't your responsibility (so option 3 is understandable) to educate them, I think it would be a wonderful thing for you to do for them and any women, and POC around them. You don't need to 'call them out' in front of people, you can talk to them elsewhere. Andrew Tate is a scourge and I don't how the fuck that scum has managed to become so successful, he sounds like a meme! I would look on this as helping them.

I think option is past it's sell by, and that's why you're here. You know you can't carry on as you are. I understand.