My family are awful - but I love them

[babaisyou]

My family are loud, chaotic and dysfunctional, and some of them have views which are truly unpleasant, racist, sexist, etc.

I live far away from them and when I visit them I feel worn down and depressed by the drama and chaos that is going on in their lives.

I am centre-left. They are much further right - some of them quite far right.

And 90% of what they talk about is politics.

But I love them, so I keep going, despite the fact that I thoroughly dislike who they are as people and find some of them deeply unpleasant (for example my brother who is a huge fan of Andrew Tate).

Anyone else feel this way? AIBU to strongly dislike them but keep going anyway? Am I a fool? How do you deal?

Left good. Right bad = not always correct
Left bad. Right good = not always correct.

Sexism and racism bad = always correct.

it is strange that both your siblings are autistic and you didn’t mention in op

Thank you @Churchview this post resonates with me so much.

The ironic thing is, all of my family members love me and want me around (including the ones who have different views to me and who I think are deeply unpleasant people, but love despite this - and they know I don't agree with them but they love me anyway).

I try to protect myself but the pull of that deep family connection is very difficult to deny. As soon as my brother does something that reminds me of his innocent little 4-year-old self, I love him again. It's very similar to a parent I suppose.

You're right that arguing doesn't change anyone's views, that's why I just try to disengage. But it's just so draining.

do they ever visit you op?

Your brother I would just ignore for now - he’s autistic, he has fixed views, he doesn’t respond to having those views challenged and doesn’t respond to being asked to change the subject. Your relationship with him is a lost cause, and I’d just refuse to engage with him.

Is your DM also racist? Or can you go into the kitchen with her and have a chat about “normal” topics? Can you phone her and maintain your relationship that way? Can you take her out for a coffee when you visit, so you are away from your brother?

If your DM is also unpleasant and racist, I do agree that it seems pointless to keep visiting.

Well it's a weird one, because they are undiagnosed and hate being 'put into that box' - but occasionally one of them will say it as if it's obvious and everyone knows. So I suppose I'm following their lead there.

It's tough but I get it. I have similar family members and I would never cut them off for holding counter views to me, that level of intolerance is why the world is becoming increasingly partisan and extreme. Depending on the topic/my mood/the intelligence of the person I'm speaking with, I may challenge it but I most often ignore and deflect. YANBU.

Again, with my mum it's complicated. She does hold some racist views and I am not excusing that, but she is from a background of extreme social deprivation, and she had some experiences in her younger days which are harrowing. She doesn't spout racist propaganda in the same way my brothers do - so I suppose it's not as overt - and she will listen to me if I tell her my opinion and challenge her. She is a bit more open.

I definitely want to maintain the relationship with her and yes we can talk about other things when my siblings/ other family members aren't there - she is interested in me and cares about the rest of my life, my DH etc.

What a nasty comment, you clearly have no idea what it's like to be done torn

You don’t have to go nc with your family (or anyone else) because they hold radically different views from your own. Sometimes it helps to minimise contact but it’s ludicrous to insist that dramatic culling of wrong thinkers is the civilised course of action.

Thank you. I suppose I am inclined to this way of thinking, but it makes for some very draining family visits!

Yes they have done on occasion and would make the effort. We got married 2 years ago and they all came to us.

It generally makes more sense for me to visit them because there are about 15 family members living in the same area so I can visit them all if I go, whereas if they come to me I only see a handful of them.

what the hell did your other wedding guests think of your family??!

so is it only your siblings that are vile?

I would imagine they thought they were racist and sexist if they displayed those tendencies. What of it?

i imagine it’s still talked about!

@brocollilover

Have you ever met someone who is such trash that you can’t take them seriously? Unemployed since 19 (almost 40 now) and it’s the fault of an asylum seeker that been here for about 2 days, that they can’t get a job at Tesco. Zero job searches in that time too.

Another that’s about 50 that has never held a job by choice. In the 90s/early 2000s he and his wife went to the housing office and told them they were alcoholics/crack addicts who were violent towards each other so he could get more points to be housed. (None of this is true.) Is the first to moan about “economic migrant” and “soft kids these days who are afraid of a hard day’s work.”

It can be easy if you remember who is talking to you.

There are various issues with various family members. They stand out the most because they're the loudest, but there are quite a few issues.

I expect OP will survive people noticing her relatives hold unpopular views.

It was a constant source of angst on the day but we got through it.

(Tbh I complain to most of my close friends about it so they knew anyway!)

is it only your siblings that hold vile views and are unpleasant?

I just answered this.

and the others

also racism and sexist? or different reasons for “issues”?

have your siblings received any treatment / support for autism? are they employed? live independently?

I employ "that's nice dear" and move on. Shut down the things they come out with. See how long they take to catch on?

It's kinder to think they just haven't had the opportunities we have.