Aibu to be consistently surprised by peoples terrible behaviour?

[Nevaneveaaa]

Aibu to be consistently surprised by peoples terrible behaviour. Apologies for being vague but it's very sensitive so I won't be going into the exact situation as that doesn't matter

If you had made a mistake that nearly ruined someone's life, why would someone not just apologise but instead try and make themselves the victim and accuse people who protected the victim of bullying them? If I had done something like that, I'd feel terrible not doubledown

I think we've found some here 😁

I joke but it's true, some here would rather insult me, a stranger, rather than think 'I don't really understand what she's on about so I'll ignore this and not engage and waste my own time'. It's just odd

To emphasise ' The fact you're fresh out of witnessing/being on the receiving end of one of these people and that's the catalyst for your musings on what kind of mind it takes to do this is irrelevant and not sure why people are thinking that situation needs to be offered for an examination before they can consider the concept of personal responsibility avoidant people. '

There can be a cultural aspect to not taking responsibility.

When I lived in another European country an issue arose (which was going to cost me €€€€) because someone had given me incorrect information. That person would not accept they had given me incorrect information even though it was in the email chain.

Eventually they referred me up to their manager who agreed that the other person had given me incorrect information and the issue was resolved.

It is ingrained in the culture of that country to never accept responsibility for something which has gone wrong. You have to find someone else to deal with as blaming someone else is okay!

Fascinating but frustrating.

Nobody is the villain in their own story. So if they are in the wrong, they need to rewrite history to make themselves into the victim. Very common behaviour unfortunately.

Honestly, there’s only one person in this scenario who I think has issues. And it’s the OP.

That's crazy! How baffling and frustrating for you. What country was that if you don't mind me asking?

But…the behaviour is literally to do with the very vague situation you’ve outlined. Honestly OP, are you on the wind up or are you thick?

Why are you being so mean to me? I've not done anything to you, I'm a stranger but a real person on the end of this. If you don't care or understand my post, just leave the thread and get on with your day. I can't see why anyone would waste their time unless your purpose is to just be horrible

I'd rather not say if you don't mind. I might want to go back at some point!

We did a cultural awareness course at the start of our posting and this was mentioned then. It's the opposite of 'the customer is always right'. It's an egalitarian culture where if someone admits to a mistake they are lowering themselves.

Haha no worries, I understand! That's fascinating it's such an ingrained thing that they include it in the induction!

Well then yes, you are being unreasonable.
Obviously. If you are “consistently surprised” then you are incapable of learning. Whether the behaviour was “bad” or not is up for debate.

I hear you OP.

I haven't read the full thread but I am sitting here right now thinking the exact same thing.

There are lots of reasons which I don't want to go into, but an example (which happened a few years ago now) is, a sibling has a DC. They've not been a great parent and have been absent a lot. Our mum was hosting DC's birthday, a pretty important one.

Instead of coming round as planned, they showed up extremely late and hungover, because they had recently had a row with their toxic partner and "made up" on DC's birthday, so they had whisked away to a fun road trip and got extremely drunk/high. Showed up hungover and sat drinking.

The reason this example comes to mind is I remember seeing the doubling down. Me and my mum were not outwardly saying anything but were obviously a bit "WTF". Instead of being embarrassed or contrite, sibling kept attempting to show photos of their lovely trip and laughing quite derisively whenever my mum naturally wasn't super interested. They kept going with mentioning the trip and showing photos until my mum felt too awkward to ignore.

They were only interested in talking about themselves. On their DC's big birthday. And when people were off about it, they just doubled down and pushed harder.

I don't understand it. There are many far worse examples of this sibling's behaviour that I don't feel comfortable sharing.

It's really painful to me and I'm constantly baffled and upset by the antics of both people relatively close to me, and strangers.

I think I need to specifically seek out stories of people being kind and doing good things, because I see so much bad these days. Everybody is struggling more too and I think that is making things worse.

Research 'DARVO'. It's an acronym to describe this scenario.

Presumably it was a man?

I wouldn't bother posting this stuff in AIBU btw, some people are so harsh for no reason, they've lost nothing by you not sharing but the exact event.

I've had similar once before, long ago. Posted about a scenario but rather than say, directly quoting someone or spelling out what had been said, I stated the meaning/result/outcome IYSWIM.

Cue a huge pile on of people saying it's ridiculous, I must be all wrong etc etc, until I posted verbatim what I had been told (which was the subject of my post). Then suddenly everyone was on my side. Even though it materially made no difference to my post. But people had got their fix of gossip so felt satisfied I guess?

@SilverDoe I can give you a story of someone doing a good thing for you. ☺️

A neighbour (different neighbour to the one I mentioned up-thread who damaged my lawn and couldn't cope with the imagined criticism)....
Had an old disused track on his land which used to connect the lane his house is on with another lane over a small hill. The track was all overgrown and no one used it.

He cut away all the brush/sycamore saplings (which grow like weeds) but used these to create a hedge (knitting the branches together into a weave) alongside the now (once more) accessible track. All the mature trees which were part of the original avenue he kept and this hedge material just added to that border.

Since he's done that, lots of hedgerow plants have flourished within the created hedge as they don't get nibbles by deer and sheep... and so has all the wildlife for whom that is an important habitat / food source

The track is now used by people out for a nice stroll.

He hung slates up all along the track in lockdown and left chalks out so people could leave messages of encouragement to each other, notes saying what they missed about each other, hello's to neighbours etc as they each passed through but not at the same time...

This nice idea on a whim, has since evolved into (biodegradable) decorations - messages for each occasion (Easter, Xmas, valentine, Halloween etc) so now everyone looks forward to new occasion, new fun things on this nice new local feature.

So good people are out there!

To be fair tho, it’s only the constant back and forth about what the scenario is or why the OP should have divulged details that has given her the traffic, correct replies and post bumping she wanted. If nobody has argued with her, the thread would have died a death quickly.

That is so sweet, I'm feeling a bit emotional over all the stuff going on around me right now and this has bought a tear to my eye and really cheered me up

This is true and I think I'm being a bit unfair because I'm feeling raw.

And I do totally see how my sibling would no doubt have done an IRL version of posting "AIBU my family are so cold and unwelcoming to me when I'm just trying to celebrate DC's birthday" without giving the whole story.

That's exactly how it feels.... Thank you x

You weren't harsh haha I'd rather people weren't horrible and have less posts. But I'm grateful for all the valuable ones :)

It’s a total lack of integrity and unwillingness or inability to have any accountability. Think we’ve all met people like this to varying degrees - they can be like an onion and as you peel away the layers you’re left with a rotten core that not everyone will find if that makes sense. I have an in law who lies in the same way other people breathe- even when confronted with indisputable facts they still lie, change the story whilst causing immense damage to family relationships. I could never work out whether they were thick or had some form of cluster B personality disorder. Either way I give them a very wide berth.

Such a weird thread.

Name change and actually say what happened.

Hypothetical threads done work in Mumsnet.

For some people there may be childhood issues - perhaps having been humiliated by having to admit to doing something wrong - that mean as adults they cant face even the thought of that humiliation again.

Some people lack the empathy to see the harm they have done. They feel totally justified in behaving in a way which is self-serving.

Some people dont see that what they do is a job to them but to the other person it's their life.

Watching the ongoing Post Office enquiry we are seeing layer upon layer of deceit being pulled back. Each time I think 'that's it, there cant be more' then another document is produced which shows that there is yet another layer of lies.