Aibu to be consistently surprised by peoples terrible behaviour?

[Nevaneveaaa]

Aibu to be consistently surprised by peoples terrible behaviour. Apologies for being vague but it's very sensitive so I won't be going into the exact situation as that doesn't matter

If you had made a mistake that nearly ruined someone's life, why would someone not just apologise but instead try and make themselves the victim and accuse people who protected the victim of bullying them? If I had done something like that, I'd feel terrible not doubledown

A person did something wrong to another person that had huge negative impacts

The person was proved to be wrong

The perpetrator then makes our they were the victim instead of apologising for their huge mistake

Tbh OP this could easily be about a SA where someone has been 'proven' according to you to have made a false accusation and being called the 'perpetrator' and the assailant the 'victim'.

We see it all the time. Look at the woman who was accused of making false accusations of being gang-raped in Cyprus, who eventually had her conviction overturned.

Bet the perpetrators men called themselves victims too.

So yes, context matters.

Can people please stop posting about sexual assault on the thread. I know I can't stop you but it's not something I want to keep reading so I'm asking very nicely

In a way you can feel sorry for them as its due to having such low self esteem initially that they cannot hold the notion for even one second that they might be wrong in any way. It really hurts them. Even minor criticism, so they race to shut it down. It's a defence mechanism because they cannot tolerate feeling bad about themselves. They get swamped by that feeling so are terrified of it. So they will gaslight or rage, until the criticism goes away rather than actually addressing it like an emotionally healthy person would. They have to always feel superior and 'right' and will do any mental gymnastics to feel that.

That read eerily correct! It's such an alien concept to me but I agree with you, it's very sad

No. It’s a difference of opinion.

This! You can't just say 'they were wrong weren't they'...

I've literally never said that. It's not in question. Rtt

Sorry but you're not making any sense

too hard to say without any context!

Stealing their last chip or pushing them onto the motorway?

OP you should have just made a thread saying 'I'm right and I want everyone to agree with me'.

Posters have explained repeatedly why they cannot give an answer simply based on 'facts' that they have no knowledge about.

You won't give context.

You won't allow examples of things you don't want to read about.

What else do you want from this thread?

@Nevaneveaaa I suspect you might find this more relatable than some other posts.

I had a bit of a learning point with this years ago at work.

a fairly junior person screwed up an entire IT system

The amount of NDAs etc that got signed to cover that up!

As a junior, he should never have been left unsupervised with the related tasks. A whole system of checks and balances was absent and that’s what went wrong for him, then impacted on the whole place.

It would have been much cheaper for the CEO to just say “yeah - we screwed this up”. But no….big cover up. Costly but ineffective frankly.

Everyone was sympathetic to the junior because he should not have been put in charge of a project like that.

But his ego came in to play as well. He didn’t want to admit that he had screwed up some work he should never have been given in the first place….

In the case of companies, I can see how it happens because professional reputations are at stake.

But in personal life, I see it as a really bad sign when someone can’t apologise or admit they’ve done something wrong.

If they start doubling down and gaslighting as well, they are not a good person in my humble opinion.

Except for people have understood and they have responded perfectly normally and helpfully to the point of my thread

Some have, some haven't. There's nothing TO agree with if you actually understood my post. If you don't understand thats fine, don't stress yourself with it

Thank you, that was very helpful to read and it's crazy to think £££ was spent just to cover something that could have been fixed!

Every situation is subjective. People see and judge differently. Sways to people aligning their thinking can be due greed, money, status, adhering to queen bee/social circles/not being outcast from the group etc. The developed world and some people have become very fake and self righteous (but bend their own rules to suit)

It happened to me sort of I got all the blame piled on me but was actually in laws and their partner that caused it all never got an apology but did make them take the blame and own it and they apologised to the alleged victim not me

I’m even more convinced it is something like this, now…

You say you've signed an NDA and therefore can't give details. As that is the case, you are only going to get the most generalised replies about the vagaries of the human psyche, which really aren't hard to imagine.

People don't like being wrong and especially not being seen to be wrong.

In my experience of bullies they always without exception declare themselves the victim as soon as they are caught out.

They refuse to acknowledge that it was their behaviour that started it all.

What is your fixation? It's not, thank God. But thank you for your sensitivity and having zero empathy of why someone might ask that, Jesus

Without context or details, very hard to ascertain the specific reasons why this person may have acted like this.

1. They may genuinely feel like the wronged party/victim. You say that it's been proven that they were wrong-maybe so-but that doesn't mean that they accept that or agree with that assessment.

2. Some people will always struggle to admit when they're wrong-especially if it's something serious. If it's something that threatened to destroy someone's life, do you really think that person is just going to go "Oops, my bad, hands are thrown up in surrender, I'm so sorry." Not likely because the type of person that will wrongly try and ruin someone's life out of spite (or malice) isn't the type of person to see themselves as being in the wrong, are they?

3. For some, it'll be ego. They've travelled so far down the road, they've committed to their path and now that they've been told and shown they were wrong-their ego is standing in the way of them admitting fault.-this would be most likely if it's some kind of mistake-rather than a deliberate, malicious attempt.

4. They may not actually be wrong and may actually be the victim. Without further context, that option is open!

5. Narcissism may be at play, as well. If they've done something to deliberately and maliciously destroy someone else's life-a narcissist will not hold themselves accountable for that wrong-and instead, will be trying to recoup sympathy points by playing the victim card.

It's very difficult to know which one is likely without context, though. There's any number of reasons for this behaviour and depending on the nature of the alleged wrongdoing-whether it's a mistake, accident or deliberate and malicious-that would indicate the reason why they may be reluctant and unwilling to admit wrong.

@Nevaneveaaa

Could you give a extra detailed anlage. such as describing the situation in a third person's style of way,

Such as Jane did this and that, or something similar to what happened but not in a way infor wise,
that gives away your personal dilemma that someone could recognise

I think you are in the wrong on this

😂😂😂

Because the kind of people who do awful things to other people don't, as a rule, care or feel any need to take responsibility or to fix them.

It's not like your average rapist wakes up th next morning and goes, "wow, I raped that woman, I should apologise and get myself down to the police station." Instead, he thinks, "god, she really put up a fight but I wore her down. I'm a stud." And you can tell him 5000 times that actually, no, you didn't want sex and he'll still refuse to believe it because then he has to believe he's a bad guy.

Honestly, it's not hard to understand. Terrible people are just terrible people.

Love this!

Oops, I didn't see that there had been previous SA examples.

Here's a work one.

A terrible boss is a terrible boss. He doesn't want to give credit and believes, to his core, that he is responsible for all the good things that happen and 100% NOT responsible for any of the mistakes. He thinks that HIS good name is the most important. He often also thinks that his staff should be able to read his mind and genuinely can't understand why his vague statements are not sufficient briefing for his team.

Why on earth would he take responsibility when he can continue to get his salary and his status if he's managed to dodge responsibility.

And many corporates let this happen.