AIBU to be depressed by the state of my house

[Myhouseischaoss]

I know everyone will pile on to call me a slob but I need time or money to sort it. I have neither and it’s really getting me down.

Start teaching the child that's making the mess to start tidying it up too, it needs to be learned young so it becomes automatic and will hopefully discourage them from making a mess as they know the consequences mean tidying it up. Magnet off the fridge on the floor? tell them 'no, it doesn't go there, let's put it back on the fridge'.

When I was overwhelmed with stuff I just bagged up a load of it, toys and all, and took it to charity. Neither the kids nor I missed any of it, most of us have too much stuff.

Watching sort your life out with Stacey Solomon for inspo, and get your DH to pull his finger out.

So empathetic to your plight @Myhouseischaoss

My house is similar with 2 neurodiverse kids - nightmare. Now they're adults I've told them they both need to move out.

Looking forward to having the house to myself so I can live in a tidy environ again!

I think your little tornado needs very limited access to especially the "bitty" sort of toy. I'd honestly get rid of a lot if you have limited storage space and somehow get the others under lock and key.

Even just 15 minutes can make a big difference.

Your not a slob, I've 2 teens and an 18 month old (single mum) I feel like my house is a never ending battle.
The biggest thing to get on top of things is going through what you have and either selling / binning or donating things.

Do the kids have toys that they don't actually play with? And I mean actually play with not just getting out of the box.

things like books. I'm talking adult books, and things that just sit on shelves.

Clothes, things that you no longer wear or don't fit.

A good clear out helps wonders

Then get proper storage once you've minimised what ypu do want to keep.

I feel for you OP. It’s hard.

I’m on a decluttering mission and it has helped loads. The less stuff you have, the better. For example I have one bathroom that doesn’t have much storage. I buy what I need, and chuck everything out when it’s finished. It’s by far the easiest room to keep tidy.

Just this weekend I’ve taken four boxes of books and three bin bags of clothes and old bedding to the charity shop - plus chucked out two bin bags of rubbish, like broken toys, random bits of paper, etc. I’ll do the same next weekend and keep going until the house feels ‘lighter’. I’ve recently done this in the attic too and I’m almost on first names with the men at the local tip.

I’ve been on this mission for months. Do a little and often. I know it can be overwhelming to look at the whole… smaller chunks are easier. And it is so much harder with children. I’m lucky that mine are a little older now and I know there won’t be any more toys coming into the house.

Good luck OP. You can do it! Be kind to yourself x

Re DS, no, he will not tidy up. I had a fifteen minute battle over picking up two stray raisins before.

What? You're letting your child rule the house? It's no wonder you're so overwhelmed. Honestly, saying he "will not tidy" is just ridiculous. He's the child, you are the parent. He puts his things away and does as he's told or there's consequences. Surely.

We have a rule in our house. All toys go back to the bedroom before bed. I think it’s also all about being on top of things. If you let your house get messy and dirty, it’s because you’ve let things slide. Do you work full time? If so, you can still find a routine that works for you. You just have to be strict. When my children were your children’s ages, I would wash my floors around them. That’s how they have grown up and respect our standards of living.

Put some toys in plastic bags and boxes in loft or spare room. Then add reminder on your phone to swap them in 3 months. I timed mine to match getting things out or putting things back in loft (Christmas, Easter, DDs birthday decorations, Halloween etc).

Most importantly teach your child to put things away. Nick Cope has a great tidy up song I used to sing with DD every evening as we cleared most of the clutter away.

Every weekend I or DH deep clean the bathroom or the kitchen, we alternate. Its not so grotty and more managable timewise. Loo is cleaned every few days.

We have neither loft nor spare room I am afraid.

If forced, with a mixture of threats and bribery, DS will clear up. But there are a few problems with this. Firstly, he does a bad job, really bad. I have a system in place where toy animals go in this drawer and toy cars in that one and so on and he just doesn’t follow it. It takes forever. It also adds to a general cloud of negativity which isn’t helpful for our relationship.

I have in fact got rid of quite a few toys but I can’t get rid of everything and the baby does need toys. But having a baby means Stuff: high chair and activity table and so on.

Cleaning a little bit at a time is what I do but the issue is parts of the house end up never looked at. So I have just tidied everything away swept and mopped downstairs (wood floors.) it looks and smells much better but meanwhile the bathrooms aren’t done and the downstairs office is crammed full of crap.

Really ideally I need a couple of days clear to sort everything but that’s a while off yet so I’m sort of wading in treacle uphill.

I have a system in place where toy animals go in this drawer and toy cars in that one and so on and he just doesn’t follow it.

Why on earth do you need a "system" for toy animals and toy cars? Put away is put away, separate or together, doesn't matter. You're making it so much harder than it has to be. My kids had toy bins and they had to put their toys in whichever bin worked for them. I didn't care, as long as they were put away where I couldn't see them. The phrase "work smarter, not harder" kind of applies here. Why make it a battle? Give him a basket he can carry and he can walk around collecting his stuff before bath time each night.

It does matter when toys are in such a jumble they can’t actually play with anything, but tbh it does just sound like you’re looking for things to pick at.

I feel quite similar, though I am trying not to let it get me down too much.

i have two young children, a full time job and a tiny 2 bedroom house for the 4 of us plus dog. There's mess everywhere

It sounds like you're making excuses for not getting anything accomplished. If their toys get in that much of a jumble, that will teach them to take care of their things in a more effective way. Right now, you're not teaching them anything about being responsible for their own stuff.

I'm not picking at anything, you're being defensive and so far refuse to entertain any of the good advice you've been given on this entire thread. I've been there, done that, many years ago. I know what it's like dealing with a house and kids. You need less stuff and the kids need rules.

Really ideally I need a couple of days clear to sort everything but that’s a while off yet so I’m sort of wading in treacle uphill.

This is my dream too! But in my experience it doesn't actually help. Firstly because a couple of days isn't nearly long enough especially as I get bored really quickly and end-- up spending half the time on Mumsnet.-- Secondly because even if you get it all pristine it lasts about a day and a half then you are back to square one.

How old is DS? (Sorry if you have said already)

First of having a tidy house all the time with young kids is impossible. I found de cluttering the best thing I ever did and being proper ruthless about it when getting rid of stuff. I also do the 15 minute timed cleans and find it helpful. You also need to make tidying toys up a game so your kids will help out we do races to see who can pick the most toys up quickest or say first one to find something yellow to put away wins ect .

We have a rule in our house. All toys go back to the bedroom before bed.

This is a good rule. We (mostly) have it too. It means that the kids bedrooms are a bomb site but downstairs is often not too bad.

Except quite a lot has been accomplished, you really do seem to be picking at me tbh.

There is a long journey of parenting ahead of me. You snapped at me upthread to ‘be the parent’ and I am. Being the parent doesn’t mean barking orders at your children. It means making decisions on which battles are worth standing your ground on and which aren’t. At the moment, forcing the three year old to tidy up (badly) is not a hill I’m going to hang myself on. It doesn’t actually lessen my workload and it does sour our relationship.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to have a system to keep the toys organised - I know that the more stressed I an about the state of the house, the more I need to keep to my systems. I also have a small house, no spare room/ garage/ attic storage, difficulty getting rid of things, and did struggle in the toddler years.

How about getting your DS to tidy away all his toys into one box/ basket at the end of the day, then after he’s gone to bed you put the toys away in the correct place? That way he’s learning about the idea of tidying, even if he hasn’t got the hang of sorting stuff into types. Does he go to nursery? That’s the kind of thing they teach the children during the tidy-up sessions, though probably more at pre-school age.

Honestly, it’s painful. I’ve tried just getting him to put the toy train set away - easy you might think - and it’s the most laborious, slow, painful process. It inevitably gets me frustrated and us scowling mutinously at the moment. Maybe some think it’s worth it in order to make a point and that’s debatable but in terms of reducing work load and helping me it definitely isn’t. For example earlier today we were doing a jigsaw, finished it and then he threw the pieces on the floor … why, just why??

I know DS tidies at nursery but at home it’s another matter.

I've been trying to get DS to tidy now he's a little older (6) This morning I woke to him "tidying" his room, which was a good effort but really everything from the floor was just shoved on top of his cabinet or round the edges of the room! I spent an hour in there afterwards cleaning it properly.

Usually I focus on Downstairs first. Where any guests would see, where the dog and kitchen is (always used obviously) then upstairs ends up neglected. Today I focused on upstairs, but here I am at nearly 9pm waiting for my living room floor to dry so I can go do the kitchen floor 🙄 it's just a daily ball ache unfortunately

DD is just 4.

Have you tried 'how many toys can you put in the box before I count to 20'! This often works with DD when other things fail.

DS is 8 and as stubborn as they come, and getting him to tidy up is very very hard. I do think it's worth getting your 3YO DS just to put even one or two things away before bedtime just to help him internalize the idea that tidying is not just your job.

I totally agree about picking your battles but I kind of wish I had fought this one with DS from an earlier age.

It can be a hard one. For me, we’re at a tricky point. The baby is teething and very fussy and demanding and DS is being sidelined and I am conscious of this. Out of the house he’s delightful. In the house he’s often stroppy, defiant and sullen. There are lines in the sand, but you can end up with having a really negative atmosphere by insisting on this and non negotiable that and a boundary for this. It’s important to have rules and routines: it’s also important to have some flexibility, understanding and compassion. And of course I matter too. If it’s easier for me to sort it, and it is, then that’s what I do.

People with really dirty homes don't even do a fraction of what you do OP, so cut yourself some slack.

OP, you can definitely stop being hard on yourself - it sounds like you’ve already done lots.

I do think you need to focus on decluttering first. I know you say that will mean you won’t have time to clean but as long as you keep things like your kitchen surfaces wiped during this time then the hoovering and other stuff can wait for a little while.

The Organised Mum Method is quite good to help keep on top of things too. I think there are even boot camps for decluttering on the app.