AIBU to be depressed by the state of my house

[Myhouseischaoss]

I know everyone will pile on to call me a slob but I need time or money to sort it. I have neither and it’s really getting me down.

Probably.

Why is it weird? To be fair most replies are nice but the thread has been dominated a bit by one poster.

Because it's a very random defensive position to take, why would you be flamed for getting fed up with your house being a mess?

Because it’s AIBU!

Toys scattered about during the DC waking hours are not a 'filthy mess' it's just stuff temporarily there, so I wonder if you're being overlly hard on yourself? I don't know whether it helps or not, but I found when mine were small that the only way I didn't get overwhelmed was to remove pretty much everything that wasn't necessary, so no fridge magnets, ornaments, throws etc, and any decorative touches restricted to the walls or out of reach, so the only things they could scatter were their toys, which I'd ignore all day, then chuck into the toy box at night. As for the cleaning, if you can't face it could you do the park next time and DH clean? Coming back to it looking decent would lift your mood.

You are not alone op. Nothing in our house ever gets properly finished off, and dh isn't particularly well so I don't feel I can nag him and I don't have the skills to do it. We both work full time. We have a lot of clutter but no time to sort it. I know we would feel a lot better if we could just sort it. I think I am a bit of a hoarder, I just don't like getting rid of stuff.

No but a load of random toys on top of the dinner the baby threw everywhere is (for example.)

I have a list of what needs doing every week (hoovering/dusting/mopping/bathrooms). I try and do abit every day and then do bigger jobs on my day off (I have a day off in the week/kids are school age).

I set the timer (read about this method) and it honestly does work. Turn your phone off, give the kids whatever they need to be entertained if they are at home (tv/ipad), set the timer and try and blitz the room. It really does work and I try and finish before the timer ends 😁 (sad but it
motivates me to clean quickly).

Last thing I can say, is as much as possible, get the kids out in the holidays. We rarely have lunch at home in the school holidays. Will wake up, do a few jobs (washing, bit of housework etc) and will then get the kids out. Picnic lunch wherever we are going. By the time we come back, get the kids in the bath and will then get a few more jobs done. My kids are older now but I always found they chilled out better after a day out and could then get on with some jobs when we got home.

And while I appreciate the generosity I do think carpets that weren’t hoovered for the best part of four months really is dirty!

@Babyroobs yeah I struggle with getting rid of stuff. And also sometimes we do need it but where does it go? It’s hard going.

I really struggled with this as well op especially when ds was little and wouldn't really nap for me during the day. It's really difficult managing a home and a young family and it probably does go hand in hand with your mental wellbeing.

What I have found works for me is I do a full house surface tidy every day, I do dishes and put a load of laundry on every day and I put away any laundry that's clean and dried. I don't bother to iron unless I need to wear something specific.

Then I try to focus on one room a day to do a proper clean. Because I'm found a whip round tidy this makes it easier.

Honestly the real game changer for me was doing a really brutal clear out to charity or recycling. The less stuff you have the easier it is to maintain. Get your kids involved by getting them to set aside toys for other kids and then let them pick a charity to donate to. Dh and I split the housework between us when ds goes to bed and I find it helps me to limit the area ds is playing in. So his room and the living room will get messy but that's where his toys stay and where he plays with them so they aren't spreading through the house and we will do fast tidy ups through the day to try and keep a lid on it. Don't get me wrong, we totally get behind sometimes and it's never ever perfect but it took me a while to realise that noones living in a show house with young kids and trying to live up to that standard would burn me out. So now I try to aim for reasonable not perfection. It will get easier as your kids get older and honestly it's not worth running yourself into the ground over. People clean before you visit they probably don't live that way all the time. It's important to give yourself grace and recognise how much you do and what a great parent you are. Even the fact you're on here talking about this shows how much you care.

I had 3 under 3
We moved our dining table in to the kitchen and gave them a playroom .
It had everything organised,all toys in boxes.
Yes it meant kitchen was squashed,but I didn't have tots everywhere.
They later on shared a bedroom and had a toy room upstairs.
Just being a bit creative with rooms ,kids a,ways had the biggest room .
I tried very hard to limit toys to playroom and bedrooms .
Appreciate this may not be possible for you

I do need to have a brutal declutter. It’s finding the time to do it. I did actually clean the kitchen and lounge earlier and now both are a mess again! So frustrating. I know it’s just life with small kids but arrgghh. I just want to chill in lovely surroundings. And it’s actually a beautiful home or would be if it wasn’t a shit pit!

We do have a playroom but it gets absolutely trashed and Ds is an absolute sod for strewing toys everywhere

I’m sorry OP, I would find that situation really stressful too. You’ve got a lot on your plate with 2 small kids even before you try to keep the house under control.

If this is something which is having a negative effect on your mental health, I’d definitely discuss that with your DH so you can work together to help you feel better.

Only you will know what would and wouldn’t work for your family, but I’d suggest there are a few different possible ways to make this less stressful for you:

1. You and DH focus on decluttering to reduce the amount of stuff your having to tidy away/move to clean etc

2. Your DH takes on more tidying/cleaning to lighten the load on you. I know you said he’s away a lot, so completely understand if he’s deployed overseas or something then this isn’t possible!

3. You accept the house as it is in this season of life and focus on improving your mood in spite of the mess.

4. You try one of those “little and often” methods like Organised Mum etc.

Or maybe a combo of a couple of those could help? Some messiness and dust isn’t a problem in itself, but with the negative effect it’s having on you is. I hope things get easier for you 💐💐💐

If you no longer have a use for an item then get rid of it, donate it to charity, post a picture of it on your local fb and someone will probably have it.

If you have a clear out of the stuff you no longer need, you'll have more storage space. Get ruthless!

Get the little one on board with tidying up, sing a silly song whilst doing it before the bedtime routine.

It's overwhelming sometimes but it can be done.

Also just to say, one thing I learnt working in childcare was don't give them all their toys at once! I rotate ds toys and keep some in storage. It means he really plays with and enjoys them, they don't get boring to him and if there's a limit on the amount he has access to then there's a limit to the mess he can make with them! I just use big storage containers and keep them up high.

Sounds like you need a clearance and would start with the fridge magnets - these are just unsightly grease gatherers that little hands can remove and chuck down somewhere else. Honestly do 15 minutes a room every day setting a timer and you’ll see a difference. Get off MN and be proactive.

Gather together all the toys in a box for each child. Only let them have 1 toy each at a time - the rest in their box and out of reach. Change toys after lunch and dinner perhaps but not more.

Put fridge magnets away until they are old enough to behave.

If the cushions are thrown take the toy away for a couple of hours.

Tidy up for an hour each day when they are in bed. Then you relax.

Touché

Stair gate your playroom
Get a dvd player in there and TV .
Stick it on ,while you nip out and do a quick job .
Set the rules now
Toys only in playroom or bedroom
Introduce a tidying up song that you play twice / three times a day ,while you make tidying up toys in to a game ..if everything has a place in the toy room they will soon get the hang of where things go

Try and confine kids mess to one room, so the toys etc are only played with eg in the sitting room or bedroom. Make a list of what bugs you the most. In my case it was our old awful en-suite bathroom. It was grimy and dirty and dusty. I got the pink stuff and astonish from a pound shop, got up at 5 one morning and just started scrubbing grouting. Shower and floor with old toothbrushes and old cloths. Mopped floor then cleaned with pink stuff again. Sorted and threw out all the old bottles etc. now no matter what, no matter how messy it gets (I have 4 boys and we all use the shower in there), my mind just says it’s clean at least. And repeat! Best of luck op!!

If you're "constantly tidying", you have too much stuff. That's your problem. Getting rid of stuff gets much easier the more you do it, so get ruthless and get rid of all of that useless shit that is ruining your mental health. Living in a mess is absolutely disastrous for your mental well-being.

Lower your expectations...I did...for 17 years...(disclaimer- DS has additional needs.)
As long as the kitchen and bathroom are hygienic then the rest doesn't matter too much. The one thing I would suggest is identifying stuff (toys/equipment/clothes) that the younger child has grown out of and getting rid of it. Small stuff can be put in a bag and hung off the pushchair and dropped into the nearest charity shop when you're out and about.

Well seeing as your post is the only one that's been deleted for not following talk guidelines maybe you can tell us?

In theory this is a good idea but I just end up forgetting about stuff!

Perhaps you need to declutter first. Tidying will be easier then.