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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you make your child share their new toy?

120 replies

meegsmalone · 01/04/2024 10:46

This is a non-issue tbh, I'm honestly just interested to see how other parents handle these situations.

We were visiting in law's when SIL, her DH, and their 2 yo DC arrive. Their DC has a new toy and refuses to share with my 3yo DC. I don't say anything as it's not my place so I try to distract my DC, but, of course, DC is uninterested in my distractions. SIL's DH says he's not making his DC share as he doesn't want to deal with the tantrums (tbh, this is very much typical of him). Their DC never shares their toys, which is upsetting to my DC.

My DC has loads of toys at my in law's that belong to him (Christmas presents etc.) and they always (reluctantly) share them with their cousin. If DC has a tantrum over sharing, I handle it. However, WIBU to tell my SIL and her DH that, if they're not going to make their DC share with mine, then my DC won't be made to share with their DC and they'll just have to handle the tantrums?

OP posts:
Birch101 · 01/04/2024 13:04

No try and explain they take turns but tbh I don't think that even starts to kick in until gone 3 and my understanding the concept of sharing isn't learned until around 7? Again just things I've seen on parenting talks

ManchesterLu · 01/04/2024 13:05

It always depends what the toy is, and the situation, but I generally think they if they DON'T want to share, then they shouldn't be allowed to sit and play with it while there are other children visiting.

Sharing shouldn't be forced, but politeness should be, and that means saving your toy until later, when nobody is being left out.

Spudthespanner · 01/04/2024 13:07

A 3 year old who is causing a fuss because they can't take a 2 year old's toy from them is displaying brattish behaviour. It is entirely on you to tell your 3 year old that they can't just have things because they want them.

If I was the 2 year old's mother I wouldn't have brought the toy as it would cause this kind of trouble, but your 3 year old still has to learn that other children have possessions that they are not entitled to demand from them.

This nonsense about your child having "loads of toys" at their grandparents is a total recipe for disaster too. There ought to be a communal toy box for all the grandchildren. Take your child's toys home and all the adults can club together for some communal toys that stay at the grandparents'. All the children need to know that those toys are for sharing.

And sharing doesn't mean "I want it now, hand it over." It means, if another child isn't currently playing with it, someone else can.

OnceUponARainbow88 · 01/04/2024 13:09

I would suggest they not bring a brand new toy to grandparents house if they can’t share and know your kid is there!

Autienotnaughtie · 01/04/2024 13:11

Yeah I agree I don't make my kids share their things. I praise them if they choose to. I decide if I want to share my things so I figure they deserve the same. I think a better skill to learn is we can't have what we want all the time.

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:11

@meegsmalone
Your brother in law is not a lazy parent. Maybe in other ways, but that’s a different thread. But not in regards to the toy.

You wanted them to take a new toy from a 2 year old, which belonged to the 2 year old and was being played with, which would upset that child, all because your 3 year old wanted it and you haven’t taught him that he isn’t entitled to things which aren’t his.

You’re the lazy parent in that scenario. You wanted to have forced sharing to benefit your kid.

The toy wasn’t available. It’s as simple as that. It didn’t belong to your kid. Again, simple as that.

The 2 year old’s parents were right. You don’t remove their toy to hand it to your kid. That isn’t sharing; that’s removing it from one child because the other one is stomping their feet.

Teach your kid to respect other’s belongings but also to repeat communal toys when they are being used by someone else. If the toy isn’t available then your kid can’t have it.

AnxiousRabbit · 01/04/2024 13:14

Not really sure what anyone means by "sharing" at this age?
Kids te d to play independently or with an adult? Sharing passing a toy back and forth is hard work and asking for trouble. Or do you mean 30 minutes at a time.
Honestly I tend to agree with SIL but then I wouldn't have the toys at the grandparents house.

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:18

OnceUponARainbow88 · 01/04/2024 13:09

I would suggest they not bring a brand new toy to grandparents house if they can’t share and know your kid is there!

Why? That’s not life. Adults get a new phone and take them to people’s houses. You’re not expected to share. You’ll wear nice new shoes out, and you’re not expected to share.

Kids deserve the same. And right from the beginning, they need to learn that they aren’t entitled to things. Anyone can take a toy anywhere if it belongs to them. The other kids need to learn they can’t have it and can play with any number of a hundred other toys instead.

NalafromtheLionKing · 01/04/2024 13:21

I think the newness of the toy makes a difference here. TBH, I would just buy the new toy for my DC too (and not bring it to in laws’ house).

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2024 13:29

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:11

@meegsmalone
Your brother in law is not a lazy parent. Maybe in other ways, but that’s a different thread. But not in regards to the toy.

You wanted them to take a new toy from a 2 year old, which belonged to the 2 year old and was being played with, which would upset that child, all because your 3 year old wanted it and you haven’t taught him that he isn’t entitled to things which aren’t his.

You’re the lazy parent in that scenario. You wanted to have forced sharing to benefit your kid.

The toy wasn’t available. It’s as simple as that. It didn’t belong to your kid. Again, simple as that.

The 2 year old’s parents were right. You don’t remove their toy to hand it to your kid. That isn’t sharing; that’s removing it from one child because the other one is stomping their feet.

Teach your kid to respect other’s belongings but also to repeat communal toys when they are being used by someone else. If the toy isn’t available then your kid can’t have it.

Edited

Op wasn’t a lazy parent. The same could be said of the parents, who bought their very young child a new toy when meeting up with another very young child, neither of whom understands the concept of sharing.

MississippiAF · 01/04/2024 13:30

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2024 13:29

Op wasn’t a lazy parent. The same could be said of the parents, who bought their very young child a new toy when meeting up with another very young child, neither of whom understands the concept of sharing.

Show quote history

A 3yo should understand

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:32

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2024 13:29

Op wasn’t a lazy parent. The same could be said of the parents, who bought their very young child a new toy when meeting up with another very young child, neither of whom understands the concept of sharing.

Show quote history

I’ve raised two kids. One of them autistic. If you do it right then a 3 year old does absolutely understand when something doesn’t belong to belong to them and that they can’t take if from another child.

Janetsmug · 01/04/2024 13:37

However, WIBU to tell my SIL and her DH that, if they're not going to make their DC share with mine, then my DC won't be made to share with their DC and they'll just have to handle the tantrums?

I would just start implementing this, no need to tell SIL etc, just direct your DC that they don't have to share the next time they're expected to, everyone will soon get the message.

TragicMuse · 01/04/2024 13:47

I don't think a child should have to share a new toy.

As an adult, I don't have to share my things with anyone unless I absolutely want to, no one can force me to tell me I must and yet kids are constantly told this is an important and essential thing that they have to do.

There's a world of difference between sharing all your precious items and being a kind and generous person. They aren't the same.

In my opinion, the insistence on sharing in response to a demand actually creates an entitlement and expectation in others that they can have free access to your things.

GingerPirate · 01/04/2024 13:52

shoppingshamed · 01/04/2024 10:51

No, I don't believe in enforced sharing, id tell my child that it wasnt their toy and to pick something else

Yes, this.
Also a 3 yo is far too young to fully grasp sharing.

LakeTiticaca · 01/04/2024 14:38

Yabu. Bring one of your DCs own toys for them to play with. 2 year old have no concept of sharing and why should they have their brand new toy ripped away from them and given to another child?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/04/2024 14:42

It depends on the kind of toy I think. Something big like a slide or a play kitchen or something else that they can take turns on or play alongside each other I would expect turn taking. A doll, soft toy, toy car or other smaller/ handheld type toy I wouldn’t expect a child to hand over and take turns. It’s reasonable to have special toys, I don’t hand over my phone for example to other adults to have a turn with and it’s fine for children to have things they don’t want to share.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 01/04/2024 15:45

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:11

@meegsmalone
Your brother in law is not a lazy parent. Maybe in other ways, but that’s a different thread. But not in regards to the toy.

You wanted them to take a new toy from a 2 year old, which belonged to the 2 year old and was being played with, which would upset that child, all because your 3 year old wanted it and you haven’t taught him that he isn’t entitled to things which aren’t his.

You’re the lazy parent in that scenario. You wanted to have forced sharing to benefit your kid.

The toy wasn’t available. It’s as simple as that. It didn’t belong to your kid. Again, simple as that.

The 2 year old’s parents were right. You don’t remove their toy to hand it to your kid. That isn’t sharing; that’s removing it from one child because the other one is stomping their feet.

Teach your kid to respect other’s belongings but also to repeat communal toys when they are being used by someone else. If the toy isn’t available then your kid can’t have it.

Edited

🙌🏻🙌🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 well said.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 01/04/2024 15:59

No.

Sharing toys in general, yes. Sharing brand new toy, no.

GreyCarpet · 01/04/2024 17:06

WarshipRocinante · 01/04/2024 13:11

@meegsmalone
Your brother in law is not a lazy parent. Maybe in other ways, but that’s a different thread. But not in regards to the toy.

You wanted them to take a new toy from a 2 year old, which belonged to the 2 year old and was being played with, which would upset that child, all because your 3 year old wanted it and you haven’t taught him that he isn’t entitled to things which aren’t his.

You’re the lazy parent in that scenario. You wanted to have forced sharing to benefit your kid.

The toy wasn’t available. It’s as simple as that. It didn’t belong to your kid. Again, simple as that.

The 2 year old’s parents were right. You don’t remove their toy to hand it to your kid. That isn’t sharing; that’s removing it from one child because the other one is stomping their feet.

Teach your kid to respect other’s belongings but also to repeat communal toys when they are being used by someone else. If the toy isn’t available then your kid can’t have it.

Edited

Very well said!

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