Would you make your child share their new toy?

[meegsmalone]

This is a non-issue tbh, I'm honestly just interested to see how other parents handle these situations.

We were visiting in law's when SIL, her DH, and their 2 yo DC arrive. Their DC has a new toy and refuses to share with my 3yo DC. I don't say anything as it's not my place so I try to distract my DC, but, of course, DC is uninterested in my distractions. SIL's DH says he's not making his DC share as he doesn't want to deal with the tantrums (tbh, this is very much typical of him). Their DC never shares their toys, which is upsetting to my DC.

My DC has loads of toys at my in law's that belong to him (Christmas presents etc.) and they always (reluctantly) share them with their cousin. If DC has a tantrum over sharing, I handle it. However, WIBU to tell my SIL and her DH that, if they're not going to make their DC share with mine, then my DC won't be made to share with their DC and they'll just have to handle the tantrums?

Why do they need to share something they’re actually using? Do you, as an adult, need to hand over your things when you’re using them because it’s “kind” to share? No. Why do kids have to?

I did montisorri. You could play with anything, but only if it was available. If another child has it then it isn’t available and you have to pick something else. You don’t make one child give something up for another. Teach your kid they don’t have a right to other people’s things and they have to use what is available if they want to play.

We didn't have the space for all of his Christmas toys (our house is FULL of toys 😂), so we left some of his toys at theirs as he goes there often.

I wouldn't make my child share their new toy no. I don't make my children share their toys. I encourage them to be kind people so often they will share anyway but I don't make them. I wouldn't be too happy if someone tried to make me share my laptop or my camera.

The toys at granny's should be for everyone, whoever they technically belong to.

I wouldn't hve forced sharing. I'd have said something like "X I think Y would like to have a turn, is that OK?" and accept the answer from the child either way.

The issue is avoided by not bringing your own toys as grandparents usually have toys in their home that are for their grandchildren to play with whilst visiting.

Really interested to see the pp replies. I would not let my child take a toy with them they can’t share at 2 and over. Different with a 1 year old of course.

If they’ve taken it they have to share. If they can’t and they tantrum I would deal and explain why we share.

This is a fair point, the problem is that kids always want the same toys 😂 if one shows an interest in a toy, the other wants it 😂

But yes, I see what you mean and it's a good strategy.

Generally speaking in this scenario

Child has/brings favourite toy of theirs = not for sharing if they're holding onto it (fine if they're happy to share)

Toys within the house = all for sharing but if one child is holding it the other doesn't take it (that's not sharing that's snatching). Turn taking etc to be encouraged

Quite a few children (I hate it personally!) will take their brand new precious toy with them to a place with other children - and it's ok they won't want to share it. Some have comfort items that aren't for sharing too.

So I think it's fine in this instance to not 'share' but if they won't let your child touch/use all the random toys in the house that's different obviously. And if your child is busy playing with something and the other takes it, just remove and say 'X is playing with that right now'.

They aren't massively at an age where they'll play together loads, mostly will just want what the other has.. generally whoever has it should keep it at least for a while rather than losing it.

I personally tended to take the toy away after X period and let the other have a turn - but it sounds like they don't do that with the ' house' toys so I'd do the same - if yours has it, it's not up for grabs. That can be the overall rules there. Adapt if you're with parents who pass the toys along after X time when someone else wants it

I wouldn't make my child share their new toy, or any toy that belonged to him solely. Not becuase I avoid tantrums but because we don't have to share our own property. DS is an excellent sharer, he shares his sweets freely, but he also understands that toys that belong to other people are theirs and they don't have to share. And that his toys. He doesn't have to share. So we go to the park, he has to share the swing and take turns, but he doesn't have to share his bike, and he doesn't get a go on that boys scooter. It's quite simple.

You storing toys at other people's houses is complicating the issue. When you're not there I bet those toys are still used. So they're shared toys. It's not fair to refuse to share those with their cousin, toys that you bring with you, you don't have to share.

Essentially, there are shared toys and not shared toys.

What was the toy?

Most 2 year olds are not great at sharing. If kid had a death grip on new toy then it so wouldn't be worth trying to remove it resulting in a massive tantrum

Whoever had it first gets to play with it first.

That’s why you have to teach them. Look into Montessori play techniques.

No, some of the toys are my DCs toys. They have shared toys in my in-laws for both DCs to play with, but the toys bought for my DC belong to them, not any child that comes into the house. As I said, my DC spends a lot of time there, so it makes sense for them to have their own toys there.

Yes I will, thank you!

That's a bit ridiculous. And are they packed away and only brought out when your child is there?

If their one display and I was BIL I'd be saying any toys at his mother's house are GC toys for all.

I can't see this working in the long-term! It will get very confusing.

No. I wouldn't make a child share if they didn't want to.
If your nephew wanted your phone and you were using it would you think it OK for MIL to tell you to share.
Why is it always a different rule for kids.

But why? If they’re out of the way then no other kids are seeing them and getting upset over them.
Kids are allowed their own property, and also
allowed permission to keep them at their gran’s house for use when there. It doesn’t mean the property suddenly belongs to everyone, and risking them being damaged by other kids.

I have some clothes at my mum’s. They’re my clothes. Some quite expensive. They aren’t for use by any female relative who pops in.

Why do people treat kids like they have no agency and no right to own their own things? And why teach other children they are entitled to other people’s stuff?

If they are packed out of the way and not in site then fine.
But also if MIL says they are allowed to be played with by cousins then she gets final say. Not OP.

That’s unreasonable though. My children take their toys and activities to houses where there might not be much to entertain them with, why should they have to leave them behind just because someone else’s parenting technique isn’t aligned to my own?

You will run into issues by having a personal stash of toys at nanny’s house though, especially as there are cousins who presumably also go there fairly regularly.

Shiny new toy should be left at home.

your child's xmas presents that are there now need to be taken home too.

Yea they're in a box to ensure they don't get broken, as 2 yo tends to throw them or stamp on them

Agreed. This way madness lies. If they're left at granny's, you have to accept other kids will play with them or they only come out when your ds is there alone. But this makes you look a petty person if you insist on this.

No, she doesn’t have to accept that other kids will play with them. They’re in a box out of the way. There is absolutely zero need for the box to be opened when there are communal toys and clearly, the other grandkids are also bringing toys with them.

No, not nearly as often as my DC, as DN lives further away, whereas we live close by.