Would you make your child share their new toy?

[meegsmalone]

This is a non-issue tbh, I'm honestly just interested to see how other parents handle these situations.

We were visiting in law's when SIL, her DH, and their 2 yo DC arrive. Their DC has a new toy and refuses to share with my 3yo DC. I don't say anything as it's not my place so I try to distract my DC, but, of course, DC is uninterested in my distractions. SIL's DH says he's not making his DC share as he doesn't want to deal with the tantrums (tbh, this is very much typical of him). Their DC never shares their toys, which is upsetting to my DC.

My DC has loads of toys at my in law's that belong to him (Christmas presents etc.) and they always (reluctantly) share them with their cousin. If DC has a tantrum over sharing, I handle it. However, WIBU to tell my SIL and her DH that, if they're not going to make their DC share with mine, then my DC won't be made to share with their DC and they'll just have to handle the tantrums?

Well Nan can do what she wants with things in her house

If you got a new car, would you let others drive it? No.... Because they might damage it, not care for it the same way you do etc. it's the same with kids and toys. I wouldn't force them but leave the choice up to the kid. Up to them if they want to share.

Sharing is for communal things such as at nursery or playgroup. Your child needs to learn what it means when you say "that is not your toy, that is David's. You can play with any of these other toys."

I would never tell my son to hand over a beloved teddy bear or toy to another child. To what end? So he can watch that child play with it for an indeterminate amount of time when my son is too young to understand that a) he'll get it back and b) what 5, 10 or 15 minutes even is.

It's utterly pointless, doesn't teach them anything except to be more possessive of their things because they feel they don't have proper ownership of anything- an adult can just tell them to hand it to another child at any moment. It also never ends well anyway. The child who gets to "have a turn" of the toy doesn't want to hand it back afterwards.

My son is only 2 and he knows to put his favourite toys in my bag if we're in a communal space with other children. He also knows not to annoy other children if he's been told "that is their toy from their home. It's not for you to play with."

The time for sharing is in communal play spaces and for older children who have invited friends round to play or have a sleepover. Even then, when I was a child I put my most precious toys away for sleepovers because I didn't want them to get damaged.

After seeing this, I like mine and my In Laws way of doing this.

My DC tries to take their DC's toy, I'll say "no that's DN's toy" and they'll likely say "it's ok, you can have it" but if it's not ok, then I've taken my DC away from it, it's been their choice if they can share.

In the same way, they won't let DN take one of my DC's toys unless I say it's okay to share.

We usually do share but if it's a case of something that shouldn't be shared, we both manage our own kids.

Also, I do not enforce sharing. If I know my DC doesn't want to share a toy, they won't be made to.

@meegsmalone

No, some of the toys are my DCs toys. They have shared toys in my in-laws for both DCs to play with, but the toys bought for my DC belong to them, not any child that comes into the house. As I said, my DC spends a lot of time there, so it makes sense for them to have their own toys there.

You cannot do this. This has disaster written all over it. Communal toys at grandparents is the only fair solution.

I really dislike the term "share" when it's used for things that can't meaningfully be shared.

A train set, yes, you can both play at the same time and share it, but an individual toy, you're not actually asking the child to share, you're asking them to give it up to another child just because they want it.

New special things we are fine with ours not sharing. After a while, we encourage them to take turns.

I think complicating your dynamic is that it sounds like your parents house is almost a second home for your DC as they spend so much time there, I think it makes it harder to handle

I'd say would you like to share with your cousin. If they said no that's their choice because it's their toy. I don't think you should force anyone to share if they don't want to.

I would buy a small new toy for dc and keep it hidden in your bag until it's "sharing time". My dc would be so entranced by opening a new toy he would lose all interest in the toy not being shared by other dc. At its best, it can be a teaching moment if your child is willing to share his new toy with the other. If not well, that's a teaching moment for the other child as well🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm confused now, I thought op was saying enforced sharing should happen, as in 2 yo should share new toy with her 3 yo? Now it seems 3 yos toys should be have own special 'not to be touched toy box at gps' because 'we're here ALL the time and you're not'? Also sounds like op doesn't like her inlaws much? (MN necessity of course! 😆)

But you can't possibly be expecting a two year old to understand that?!

There are multiple toys, some of which are fair game and others specifically belong to your son....how is a toddler supposed to know/understand that?

Maybe the grandparents need to put his toys away unless he's the only child there? Or if he has so many toys they can't even fit in his house he could share the overflow ones?!

You would buy a new toy every time your child encounters another on the off chance that child has a toy they don’t want to share?!

Rather than teaching your child the valuable life lesson that sometimes we can’t have things that belong to other people?!

That’s wild 🤣

OP remember that it's important to teach/encourage children to share, but it's also crucial to teach them that things belong to people/are special to people, that they can't just grab what they want and that they need to respect other people's boundaries.

It's a good opportunity to teach your child that this specific toy was new and special to his cousin and so he couldn't have it and that if he has a new/special toy he doesn't need to share it either.

Oh sorry, would you mind elaborating on the "OP doesn't like her in law's much", please? Or is that something you've just made up to cause drama on this thread? 😂

There's always one 🤦‍♀️

No, if you got a shiny new phone and your cousin walked in and wanted to play with it, would you hand it over?

To be honest this was quiet telling

"SIL's DH says he's not making his DC share as he doesn't want to deal with the tantrums (tbh, this is very much typical of him)."

His child is 2.

Long term you'll get much better results from letting your child experience disappointment and frustration and learn to deal with it than constantly buying toys to avoid any kind of negative emotion.

Well this.

In ops situation I would. They're 2 and 3 they're not exactly at the reasoning stage yet. It would work and it's just passive-aggressive enough to make me feel better.

You wouldn't actually do that would you? Would you rather your child learned that they will get rewarded when another child has something new rather than learning that in life you can't always get what you want?

That child is going to grow up with entitlement issues

Also this No, some of the toys are my DCs toys. They have shared toys in my in-laws for both DCs to play with, but the toys bought for my DC belong to them, not any child that comes into the house. As I said, my DC spends a lot of time there, so it makes sense for them to have their own toys there.

You seem to be marking 'your territory' at your parents re the toys the 2yo is not 'any child' they have an equal relationship to the GPs as your dc.

But what has BIL actually done wrong?
Apart from the crime of trying to pacify a 2 year old when out and not force said 2 year old to share something g that is his when he doesn't have the ability to fully understand sharing?

Yes. Ds is ND with a significant speech delay. I have to do things a bit differently. I can't use the same methods you would with a typical 4 yr old

There's a difference between actively disliking one individual, and disagreeing with their parenting techniques. I don't agree with his "I can't be bothered" approach to parenting. But that's my personal opinion and it makes no different to me if people agree or not.

I honestly did not think I would have to explain the difference between disliking someone, and disagreeing with them tbh......but here we are!

I would not expect a 2 year old to share their new toy with my child. I would tell my child that it is their special new toy and suggest alternative things for them to do. I would also not expect my 3 year old to share their special toy if they didn't want to but I would suggest that they put it away/didn't take it to make things easier.