Would you make your child share their new toy?

[meegsmalone]

This is a non-issue tbh, I'm honestly just interested to see how other parents handle these situations.

We were visiting in law's when SIL, her DH, and their 2 yo DC arrive. Their DC has a new toy and refuses to share with my 3yo DC. I don't say anything as it's not my place so I try to distract my DC, but, of course, DC is uninterested in my distractions. SIL's DH says he's not making his DC share as he doesn't want to deal with the tantrums (tbh, this is very much typical of him). Their DC never shares their toys, which is upsetting to my DC.

My DC has loads of toys at my in law's that belong to him (Christmas presents etc.) and they always (reluctantly) share them with their cousin. If DC has a tantrum over sharing, I handle it. However, WIBU to tell my SIL and her DH that, if they're not going to make their DC share with mine, then my DC won't be made to share with their DC and they'll just have to handle the tantrums?

I wouldn’t make them share. I also wouldn’t give a new toy if I knew other children were visiting though.

As much as encouraging sharing is nice, teaching children boundaries and self respect is also important. How many threads are there on here where people are complaining about situations that arise purely because they can’t say no.

I have plenty of things that, as an adult, I choose to share and plenty that I don’t. That should be normal and healthy.

I find it strange that children are expected to share their new things in a way adults aren’t. If my mother is halfway through reading a book that I like the look of, nobody would expect me to have a turn with it before she has finished the book. But children seem to be expected to lend cherished possessions to other children without complaint and on a supervising adult’s time scale.

I think if your DC is upset they can’t play with their cousin’s new toy, that’s your problem not theirs.

It’s as important for your child to learn they can’t have whatever they want - as you say, plenty of other toys that they could play with.

Regarding not brining it because of your child potentially being upset… how would they know? May their child never have their own stuff in front of your child, for fear of upset?

I've never made my kids share a brand new toy, why take that joy from them?

But you're no different.
You wanted them to change their behaviour and upset their child for the benefit of yours.

But your child being upset with that shows you that you need to spend more time teaching them about how sharing works and how some things are not for sharing. It’s your job as a parent to ensure your child learns these things and their future self will thank you for doing so. Remember that as they get older, if they still have these expectations because they haven’t been taught otherwise, other children will teach them it and it will be a brutal and unkind lesson.

For prized, loved toys I wouldn't put my child in the awkward position of this being an issue. It's kept out of the way when with other children

Overwhelming they are not expected to because most parents teach their child about things that can be shared and things that can’t from birth and that lessons stays with them.

And that's fine, I see your point there. But that's a separate point, isn't it? Lol you said I don't like him, I proved you wrong, now you're moving on to another point......

We had rules that you share whatever is out. If you don’t want to share, then it needs to be out of sight.
This means no playing with a toy and telling someone else they can’t touch it, and when they are older no eating sweets in front of someone and not sharing.
Im also a believer in joint presents- at grandma’s house this could mean big items are a joint present for all the GC, but you need to get Granny on board for this.
But I don’t think it’s fair to impose a blanket “ You must share” on your child.
I certainly wouldn’t be giving in to tantrums.

People use the term ' share' when they mean ' take turns'

I do think the cousin should have been prepared to let op's dc have a turn of the toy, otherwise the toy should have been kept out of sight.

I agree.

This is the beginnings of children learning about boundaries and consent.

Others might think that's a bit OTT but if childen are taught from infancy that if they have something someone else wants then they should let them have it, it causes bigger issues down the road when they're older and don't feel they have the right to say no. It equally helps childen to learn and understand that they can't automatically have something because they want it.

New toys and special toys - I soon learnt to either put them in the shed or out of the way, or even be open about it with friends on playdates. I would ask DS if there was anything he wanted to put away before playdates actually. 2/3 are tricky tantrummy ages.

My DS in general has always been great with other children but- I can't expect everything of them and for them to be adult when it comes to their special things. It's understandable tbh.

I never did sharing with my dc

I did taking turns.

Child A has a toy that child b would like a turn with
child b has to ask child a if they can have the next turn with the toy when child a has finished with it
child a has to say yes or the toy is put away as a consequence for child A not being generous
child b has to wait for child a to finish their turn and then gets their turn
If child a is taking ages, adults can remind them that there are other dc that want a turn too and maybe they could think about playing with something else soon

its very effective as as soon as you have a few dc that use this system then they get pretty good at rotating toys around because they know that they dont have to hoard toys in case some adult suddenly makes them ‘share’ ie give a toy away mid game.
dc often pass a toy off to another dc and immediately ask to have the next turn so it creates a passing back and forth voluntarily system

the only exceptions were for toys that were ‘special’. Lovies and birthday presents for the week after the birthday.

When my dc were young and we used to attend toddler groups etc, I felt as though I had to make them share, or in other words, hand over the very thing they were enjoying playing with, to another random child. It would usually result in my dc being upset and they would rarely get it back again as the other dc's parents wouldn't enforce they share it back. In hindsight it's wrong and I wish I hadn't done this, I wish I'd told the other dc to go find another toy to play with and wait until my dc was fed up of the one they were after. I don't see adults being forced to hand over things they are using to other adults, why should we expect very young dc to accept it's ok. I don't think your bil was wrong to protect their own dc's feelings.

If you leave toys at your ILs then I'd say they're fair game for the cousins when they're there. Toys at Granny's would be for anyone. Your dc wouldn't feel the same ownership on them really left there, nor are they special to them if they didn't want to take them home.

I don't think expecting a 2yo to share (one) brand new toy, or even one special toy is reasonable. If they'd turned up with a box full and refused to share, that would be a different thing.

There’s no way I’d force sharing of a brand new toy, I think you’re wrong to make your child share.

Honestly trying to reason with a 2 year old is fairly pointless. His toy was brand new and If parents had tried to wrestle it off him to give to your 3 year old, it's likely there would have been ww3. You had some hope of distracting a 3 year old but zero to a 2 year old: I don't blame his parents for not wanting to face it

Honestly think there was no need for the judgeiness about their parenting was a result. There is no hard parenting rule that toddlers need to hand over their brand new toy on demand that I'm aware of.

Did sil and her dh know that you’d be there? If they did, giving their dc a new toy just before visiting your in laws really wasn’t a great decision. It was bound to cause issues for your dc and prevent them from having a harmonious experience together.

When dd was little, I learned to hide special toys before any children can over so that it didn’t cause upset. At 2, it’s more difficult but not impossible to understand taking turns.

Maybe you could talk to your sil / dh if it happens again in terms of being sad the children aren’t getting along because of the special toy and ask them maybe to hide it next time so they can play freely. Then manage any sharing issues by giving time limits on turn taking.

If you’re always there when they visit, they may also be annoyed that their dc doesn’t get 121 time with the gps as for them, their child is having to share grandparents, whom your dc is able to see far more often.

why? NOBODY is getting a "turn" with my phone!

I wouldn’t make them share a brand new toy; no. And if any other DC can’t cope with that, that’s for their parents to sort out. They need to learn they can’t just have things, just as much as children need to learn to share

crazy.....so a week after my birthday I have to let you use my ipad? f that!

I would encourage my child to share but not sure I would force them. Why is what your child wants (cousin's toy) more important than what the other child wants (their own toy)?

You can do the same if your child doesn't want to share their toys but personally I wouldn't stop encouraging my child to share the toys at grandparents as that seems a bit petty if you and they don't mind.

I understand why it's annoying to you when your child shares with theirs.

I agree. There's too much emphasis on making young children share. It's good to not encourage selfishness, but not good to make them feel that nothing is theirs and other people have priority.
It sets them up to be "people pleasers" who can't say no to demanding people and feel selfish if they don't submit to what other people want.