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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alternative to PIL Dorset suggestion for my birthday?

89 replies

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:04

I have a milestone birthday coming up. Context is I asked PIL as well as my mum did they want to come on hols with us with our 3 and 5 to - really fancy all inc, Mallorca. They declined, as it’s just not their kind of holiday - no problem at all, they enjoy self catering, I despise it (as for me it’s just same shit different location with kids). So we’re going with my mum, looking forward to it.

PIL have a holiday house in Dorset which we have been to when we still lived in the uk - we live in Europe now. Tonight they suggested that perhaps ‘for my birthday’ they could pay for flights for us to come over and we all go and stay in their holiday home and they could babysit while we go out for a meal. This sounds nice for everyone else involved, but I am so very not keen, for the reasons that the holiday home has no outside space at all, it’s in Dorset and it was pretty boring last time and I’m sure it will be boring this time too, I’m sure the kids will enjoy it but it’s my actual birthday and a milestone one at that so in my heart of hearts I don’t really want to go to alllllll the effort of getting a flight to travel to somewhere I find bloody boring, then traipse around doing kids activities / dispensing snacks etc. This sounds very much like my normal life but with more inconvenience. Its also complicated by 5 yo DS being a handful (he’s on the diagnostic list for ASD).

I think I’m also a bit hurt at this being dressed up as something ‘for me’ when it’s actually just a nice break for them to spend time with the kids - they know I hate self catering, they know why. They know I would love eg… a spa night away, tickets to see a show in London, to visit somewhere I’ve not been before - they know I don’t really enjoy a lot of the drudgery of having small children and that I’m in that phase at the moment, they’re not short of a few bob… so why suggest something they must know I wont actually enjoy myself?

So - MN, I am trying to think of an alternative that they and I would both enjoy and would be nice and allow them to spend time with the kids. I’m conscious they miss them. Any suggestions? DH is being no help and seems to think I’m being U, but I don’t actually like the garden-less holiday home and the (imo) dull location much. I’m sure there are better alternatives.

OP posts:
R41nb0wR0se · 31/03/2024 23:07

Is there a compromise where you could go to Dorset, but whilst you're there they have the kids for a night or two while you and hubby go to a spa hotel?

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:19

Maybe, but what they are suggesting is we fly in to Southampton airport and then we drive a further 1.5 hours in their car to the holiday home. I just can see it being a PITA with the kids.

I don’t know if a somewhat rushed night in whatever place I can find nearby will be enough to make it fun for me. I suppose I can have a look though.

OP posts:
Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:21

They won’t take the kids for more than one night, we’d have to wave them off in the afternoon and be back early afternoon next day.

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 31/03/2024 23:23

Can’t they just meet you at Southampton airport, take the kids, and you go off from
there?

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:23

they know I hate self catering, they know why

Is it because they and DH know you do the bulk of the child care and cooking?

Because if yes then your PIL and DH are acting like selfish nobs.

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:24

I mean, you're getting the Majorca all inclusive that you want, so then getting PIL to babysit in Dorset while you and DH have a night away sounds like a bonus? A 24 hour period is absolutely adequate, you sound almost ungrateful. If you don't want to see PIL on your actual milestone birthday I think that's fair enough though. Can you do it a different weekend and on your actual birthday just stay home with DH and kids?

R41nb0wR0se · 31/03/2024 23:25

If you did want to go with the spa idea, Dorset is positively awash with them - some ideas here (although I'd avoid the Bournemouth Hilton, personally, as Bournemouth isn't exactly pretty): https://dorsettravelguide.com/best-hotels-with-spas-in-dorset/

Hotels With Spas in Dorset: 8 Pampering Palaces You’ll Love

A curated collection of the best hotels with spas in Dorset - add some pampering to your holiday with these dreamy spa hotels!

https://dorsettravelguide.com/best-hotels-with-spas-in-dorset

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:25

So - MN, I am trying to think of an alternative that they and I would both enjoy and would be nice and allow them to spend time with the kids. I’m conscious they miss them. Any suggestions? DH is being no help and seems to think I’m being U, but I don’t actually like the garden-less holiday home and the (imo) dull location much. I’m sure there are better alternatives.

But why do you need an alternative? This is your birthday, you do what YOU want.

The PIL were invited, they declined.

You invited your mum, she accepted.

It’s not fair now to change things round on your mum.

Enjoy your holiday and birthday and forget about what your PIL want.

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:27

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:24

I mean, you're getting the Majorca all inclusive that you want, so then getting PIL to babysit in Dorset while you and DH have a night away sounds like a bonus? A 24 hour period is absolutely adequate, you sound almost ungrateful. If you don't want to see PIL on your actual milestone birthday I think that's fair enough though. Can you do it a different weekend and on your actual birthday just stay home with DH and kids?

OP lives in Europe. OP would have to FLY to Southampton to get this day of babysitting. Sounds absolutely useless.

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:27

@toomanyy no no, they’re not like that at all. All very equal.

OP posts:
Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:28

@toomanyy sorry - we’re going with my mum anyway. PIL have suggested this trip for another time. I just think it sounds (sorry!) a bit shit.

OP posts:
AmiablePedant · 31/03/2024 23:31

Dorset is a ravishingly lovely county full of gorgeous landscapes and fascinating history (Cerne Abbas Giant, anybody?). I can see that the trip wouldn't be your cup of tea, but don't be so crudely dismissive--"boring" forsooth!

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:31

@innerdesign yeah as a PP said, we’ll have to fly in, pick up rental car, drive to holiday home… I just don’t want to!

I’ve been thinking about suggesting London? I’ve never been to Kew Gardens. We could go to the natural history museum. DD might be a bit small at 3, but at least DH and I could catch a show or something.

OP posts:
LittleMousewithcloggson · 31/03/2024 23:34

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:19

Maybe, but what they are suggesting is we fly in to Southampton airport and then we drive a further 1.5 hours in their car to the holiday home. I just can see it being a PITA with the kids.

I don’t know if a somewhat rushed night in whatever place I can find nearby will be enough to make it fun for me. I suppose I can have a look though.

Fly into southampton or Bournemouth
Let PIL take kids to holiday destination from there
Either stay a night at Chewton Glen - have dinner and SPA there -or take train from southampton airport to Central London, have dinner and see a show
Drive to PIL the next day
spend day or 2
Go home

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:42

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:27

OP lives in Europe. OP would have to FLY to Southampton to get this day of babysitting. Sounds absolutely useless.

Show quote history

Yes I understand and I'd have to fly to Southampton too (we don't all live in the south), but I'd just view it as an obligatory family visit for my birthday with a bonus spa night, and the Majorca trip as my actual birthday trip. It's a gift from PIL so the only way to change it would seem ungrateful. Just graciously accept.

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:44

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:42

Yes I understand and I'd have to fly to Southampton too (we don't all live in the south), but I'd just view it as an obligatory family visit for my birthday with a bonus spa night, and the Majorca trip as my actual birthday trip. It's a gift from PIL so the only way to change it would seem ungrateful. Just graciously accept.

Show quote history

So OP’s birthday present should be her doing something she doesn’t want to do?

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:45

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:44

So OP’s birthday present should be her doing something she doesn’t want to do?

Show quote history

No, the present part would be the free babysitting and night away in a spa (which PIL may or may not pay for), and also the holiday to Majorca. How many presents and trips does a grown adult need for her birthday?

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:48

@innerdesign but isn’t a gift supposed to be for the delight of the recipient? I think I’m annoyed that, as you say, what they're suggesting is an obligatory family trip but saying it’s ‘for my birthday’. So if I suggest an alternative more to my liking, then I’m the arsehole. Feels like a bit of a trap, you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:51

@innerdesign I’ve booked and arranged and paid for my Mallorca trip myself. It’s just context, nothing to do with this other trip.

I don’t particularly want to go anywhere else, this has been sprung on me this evening and I’m trying to think of a compromise that I, as well as everyone else, would actually enjoy. I can pay 30 euros and get a babysitter tomorrow if I want, or I can ask my mum - it’s not a big deal.

OP posts:
CheapMustard · 31/03/2024 23:53

So sorry. I hate to be rude, but honestly you’re sounding a bit bratty.
You live in Europe, you have Mallorca, Dorset is fabulous… it would be odd if they have a holiday home somewhere quite dreadful. Maybe ask for some Dorset pointers from here. You’re a lucky lady, enjoy!

CharlieBoff · 31/03/2024 23:53

I get you! My MIL is constantly suggesting that I do things she wants to do as a treat for “my” birthday. It’s usually things I despise, but then I feel like a cow for declining.

However, for your milestone birthday I don’t think you need to suggest an alternative at all - you’ve organised your holiday, they didn’t want to go, so that’s that. You shouldn’t have to cause yourself massive inconvenience just to placate them

jeaux90 · 31/03/2024 23:54

OP just say no. Or fly into Gatwick and rent a house near Camber Sands/Rye.

You can get into London easily on the train. you and DH have a night there to celebrate.

Rye is a lovely town, great small galleries and restaurants.

Camber a lovely beach for the kids.

London with small ones also fun though!

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 23:55

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:31

@innerdesign yeah as a PP said, we’ll have to fly in, pick up rental car, drive to holiday home… I just don’t want to!

I’ve been thinking about suggesting London? I’ve never been to Kew Gardens. We could go to the natural history museum. DD might be a bit small at 3, but at least DH and I could catch a show or something.

My DGC loved the Nat History museum at 3! And there's lots of other things they'd probably enjoy

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:55

My MIL is constantly suggesting that I do things she wants to do as a treat for “my” birthday. It’s usually things I despise, but then I feel like a cow for declining.

This. This is exactly it! it pisses me offffff.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 31/03/2024 23:55

I agree - trip to Chewton Glen ( gorgeous luxury hotel and spa) for you and DH while PIL take the kids to their holiday home.

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