Alternative to PIL Dorset suggestion for my birthday?

[pandarific]

I have a milestone birthday coming up. Context is I asked PIL as well as my mum did they want to come on hols with us with our 3 and 5 to - really fancy all inc, Mallorca. They declined, as it’s just not their kind of holiday - no problem at all, they enjoy self catering, I despise it (as for me it’s just same shit different location with kids). So we’re going with my mum, looking forward to it.

PIL have a holiday house in Dorset which we have been to when we still lived in the uk - we live in Europe now. Tonight they suggested that perhaps ‘for my birthday’ they could pay for flights for us to come over and we all go and stay in their holiday home and they could babysit while we go out for a meal. This sounds nice for everyone else involved, but I am so very not keen, for the reasons that the holiday home has no outside space at all, it’s in Dorset and it was pretty boring last time and I’m sure it will be boring this time too, I’m sure the kids will enjoy it but it’s my actual birthday and a milestone one at that so in my heart of hearts I don’t really want to go to alllllll the effort of getting a flight to travel to somewhere I find bloody boring, then traipse around doing kids activities / dispensing snacks etc. This sounds very much like my normal life but with more inconvenience. Its also complicated by 5 yo DS being a handful (he’s on the diagnostic list for ASD).

I think I’m also a bit hurt at this being dressed up as something ‘for me’ when it’s actually just a nice break for them to spend time with the kids - they know I hate self catering, they know why. They know I would love eg… a spa night away, tickets to see a show in London, to visit somewhere I’ve not been before - they know I don’t really enjoy a lot of the drudgery of having small children and that I’m in that phase at the moment, they’re not short of a few bob… so why suggest something they must know I wont actually enjoy myself?

So - MN, I am trying to think of an alternative that they and I would both enjoy and would be nice and allow them to spend time with the kids. I’m conscious they miss them. Any suggestions? DH is being no help and seems to think I’m being U, but I don’t actually like the garden-less holiday home and the (imo) dull location much. I’m sure there are better alternatives.

Just a message of solidarity. Having spent ten years holidaying with the in-laws or my mum in the UK at their preferred locations I was extremely done by the time it was over - and I don't even mind self-catering (to me hotels with small children are a ballache, but that's my preference not yours and exactly the point!) Taking children to non-child-friendly accommodation- no garden?? - is absolutely shite.

I would say a cheerful no, while reminding them passive-aggressively that they turned down your extremely generous offer of Majorca. Ignore any text nonsense and enjoy your birthday. Then I'd propose London as a separate family trip, not your birthday.

Honestly I think you're being a bit precious.

Yes I get that going to their Airbnb is not really a treat for you, but they want to see you all and are offering to pay for flights. I would go because you know that's what they want. There must be one nice hotel and spa in Dorset for a night away surely. Tell DH as it's allegedly your birthday trip he is in charge of DCs and making sure they don't break anything/taking them out frequently.

I wonder for how long the PILs agonised over turning down your invitation to join you in Mallorca? Not long I bet. So don't sweat it OP, likewise they've made a suggestion that isn't your kind of thing so turn it down gracefully but firmly - "thank you for the suggestion, but self catering isn't something we'd consider".

My husband tends to view invitations as obligations and ties himself in knots. When our daughter got engaged her fiancé's parents invited us to stay so we could all meet. The weekend was ok but we're really very different people. After the weekend they phoned and invited us to join them on a villa holiday with some of their friends. We barely knew them and had never met their friends. It was a simple "kind of you to offer but no thank you" from me but DH got so wound up - "it's going to be difficult to say no", "how can we say no?" etc. This is just one example of many.

It's an invitation not a summons, so just gently "It was a kind thought, but not our kind of holiday".

Where is there actual house? You need to turn down Dorset as a 'for your birthday' treat and at the same time arrange a date to go and visit them so they can see the kids tell me there actual house has a garden. I have no idea of your kids needs but taking a 3 and 5: year old (one potentially on the spectrum) to London sounds like another trip of hell tbh....

It's not a "treat" for you it's manipulation so the PIL can spend time with DH and your DC.
"We'll pay for your flights and you get free accommodation in our holiday home" that's hard to say no to as you look ungrateful.
They could go to Mallorca and join in the fun but they're quite happy to decline that invitation as it doesn't suit them so otoh you should also be free to decline their invitation.
You need a few more years under your belt, I'm in my 50's, spent most of my life doing things I didn't want to do to please others but now I just say no, it's very freeing!
I would tell DH exactly the reasons you've stated on here and let him sort it, I would not pack up two adults, 2 DC, flights & a car journey to do something that I know I'd hate.
Don't look for a compromise or excuse, say it loud and proud "we're going to Mallorca to celebrate my big birthday and PIL are very welcome but I'm not going to Dorset"
Good luck

Just say no, that doesn't work for us. Would you like to come and see us here instead? The kids are so much comfier in their own home . . .

Where is the holiday home in Dorset ?
I live in Dorset so might be able to help you enjoy it more with some local info on things to do ?

R4Rnbowrose Bournemouth isn't exactly pretty!what. 7 miles of sandy beaches,clear seas and plenty of good restaurants. We have thousands of visitors here every year!

YANBU and your ILs sound selfish. I really hate it when people give gifts that are actually things they would like themselves, but they know damn well, if they give it ANY thought whatsoever, that it's absolutely NOT what the recipient would want! For your birthday you should have what you want (AI in Majorca). Your ILs declined, because it's not what they want, which is fine (although tbh I think I'd suck it up for a week for the sake of my DIL and spending time with my GC). But having declined, they don't then get to impose their holiday on you. Fuck that!

I think a gentle reframing would help me feel better about it. If I get DH to say something similar how is this?

‘Hi mum and dad. Sounds fun, probably a bit hectic for a birthday treat for Panda but DC will love it so yes let’s get together in Dorset in the summer. When were you thinking? No need to pay for the flights, we’ll cover those - we’ll do something separate for Panda’s birthday another time.’

What about something slightly more blunt?

"Hi Mum and Dad. We'd love to come down to Dorset and spend the weekend together as a family some time, that would be lovely. But this is supposed to be for Panda's birthday which means it should be something she really wants to do. It should be a treat for her, rather than something for the benefit of the whole family. When you have young kids a weekend away in a holiday home is often just more of the same stuff you do at home, in a different location. What Panda would really like for her birthday is to do something completely different. She'd love a weekend in London visiting Kew Gardens and seeing a show."

But what separate other thing do you think that you will ever do with the ILs to celebrate your birthday? It's clear that you both have very different ideas of enjoyment.

So why not accept the gift as it comes and use the money saved by not having to pay for flights yourself towards the Majorca trip, or another trip of your choosing.

Much better.

Well then it's not actually a birthday gift and they shouldn't pretend it is one.

Are you serious? Why does OP need to accept PIL’s ideas for her own birthday?

You know what, I’ll get him to ring them.

To whoever asked, he will most likely not have my back on this. He has already said ‘you can talk to them’ because he doesn’t want to upset the apple cart, but nope, I’m not going to
say or do anything because if I do I’ll be the bad guy. He can speak to them and say yes but clarify it’s not going to be for my birthday.

@WogansHen that’s nothing to do with Dorset though. Your family have just chosen shit accommodation.

Other holiday cottages in Dorset will have a beautiful garden for children to run around, a proper pub within walking distance, a working fireplace with piles of wood, local milk and a cake from the farm shop in the fridge, and a view of glittering blue sea from the top bedroom.

I think your suggested message is perfect op. I see no reason to do the longer slightly santcimonious message someone else suggested where you lecture them about how hard it is having young kids.

I get the impression you're not actually bratty at all and don't really care about receiving something for your birthday, you just don't want to do something difficult that you won't enjoy for your birthday! So you don't really care about the 'something else for your birthday' you just want to graciously get out of this. Which I think your message will achieve.

@rookiemere I may be being overkill on this, but it’s important to me to have boundaries. I didn’t realise I was allowed them until I was quite old (controlling family, my decisions always criticised) and though good people and I am very fond of them PIL have similar tendencies - their children are expected to not rock the boat. I just can’t ever go back to
people pleasing as it makes me seethe internally and is not good for me in general.

DH takes the kids there. You go to a spa hotel wherever you want.
Maybe then DH also learns why you hate self catering "holidays"

Your post resonates with me. PIL don't visit us. It's under 2 hours in the car but they last came when DS5 was a newborn. Instead we go to theirs and then they talk about what a lovely break we get whilst they cook. In fairness MIL does cook but DH gets given a list of jobs and I do lots of childcare away from home, so harder e.g. trying to keep DC quiet in the mornings so they don't wake PIL, trying to get them asleep in unfamiliar places, going to the tiny park for a run around when we have lots of great parks near us!

I don't mind going as a family visit. It irritates me when they go on about it being a holiday. Can you decline over your birthday and go another time? Celebrate your birthday at home how you want to?

Not unreasonable at all, you’ve planned a birthday trip already to do something you enjoy. This is their trip, it has nothing to do with your birthday. They’re free to plan it but to present it as a treat for you is disingenuous.

I agree with your approach OP - nothing about the trip they have proposed is for your benefit. Therefore, don't let them pretend it is. Do visit them, of course, but not on your birthday.

A lot of people may indeed find Dorset to be fabulous, but OP doesn’t, and nor does she have to. Not everyone enjoys the same things or places, and that’s fine.

They've dressed up something they know you don’t particularly like as a present to you. No, I wouldn’t be inclined to people please by subjecting myself to something I dislike that’s ostensibly for me.

and bah at ‘ungrateful’! Personality I’d rather not do on holiday than go on a bad holiday to somewhere I don’t want to go.

Exactly @Momstermunch. I am very fond of PIL and they have been very good to me (bar the occasional ‘we know best’ type of thing that drives me crackers) so I honestly don’t want to upset them. I’m not actually arsed about birthdays usually but this one is a milestone one and if a gift for me is intended I would want it to be something special for me as a person.