Alternative to PIL Dorset suggestion for my birthday?

[pandarific]

I have a milestone birthday coming up. Context is I asked PIL as well as my mum did they want to come on hols with us with our 3 and 5 to - really fancy all inc, Mallorca. They declined, as it’s just not their kind of holiday - no problem at all, they enjoy self catering, I despise it (as for me it’s just same shit different location with kids). So we’re going with my mum, looking forward to it.

PIL have a holiday house in Dorset which we have been to when we still lived in the uk - we live in Europe now. Tonight they suggested that perhaps ‘for my birthday’ they could pay for flights for us to come over and we all go and stay in their holiday home and they could babysit while we go out for a meal. This sounds nice for everyone else involved, but I am so very not keen, for the reasons that the holiday home has no outside space at all, it’s in Dorset and it was pretty boring last time and I’m sure it will be boring this time too, I’m sure the kids will enjoy it but it’s my actual birthday and a milestone one at that so in my heart of hearts I don’t really want to go to alllllll the effort of getting a flight to travel to somewhere I find bloody boring, then traipse around doing kids activities / dispensing snacks etc. This sounds very much like my normal life but with more inconvenience. Its also complicated by 5 yo DS being a handful (he’s on the diagnostic list for ASD).

I think I’m also a bit hurt at this being dressed up as something ‘for me’ when it’s actually just a nice break for them to spend time with the kids - they know I hate self catering, they know why. They know I would love eg… a spa night away, tickets to see a show in London, to visit somewhere I’ve not been before - they know I don’t really enjoy a lot of the drudgery of having small children and that I’m in that phase at the moment, they’re not short of a few bob… so why suggest something they must know I wont actually enjoy myself?

So - MN, I am trying to think of an alternative that they and I would both enjoy and would be nice and allow them to spend time with the kids. I’m conscious they miss them. Any suggestions? DH is being no help and seems to think I’m being U, but I don’t actually like the garden-less holiday home and the (imo) dull location much. I’m sure there are better alternatives.

Jeez!

Doesn't matter how 'fabulous' somewhere is if you don't actually want to go!

Is there anywhere you don't want to go? I can think of quite a few places which I bet others think would be wonderful

And if the weather carries on being this bad I wouldn't want to be anywhere like that

Is it a conflict over which bit of this is "for your birthday"? The PIL perspective being - you presumably visit occasionally anyway, so this time, they're offering some free babysitting.

If they genuinely think that Dorset is your idea of a milestone birthday celebration then I'd explain that nice as it is (grit your teeth if you have to 😂) you want to go somewhere new this time.

Nah, just say no. That sounds like my idea of hell. None of that is in any way enjoyable for you. Say maybe next year or two, and keep saying that for years.

I posted earlier but also why would you take young kids to a holiday home with no outside space. Big hard no.

How did you make Dorset boring? There’s so much for dc - maybe do some research?

Surely it’s the same a visiting in laws but they’re paying and it’s in their holiday home rather than their main home. Re it being for your birthday, I think I’d ask dh to say “self catering with the dc at these ages is so stressful I don’t think it’ll work for a birthday treat For dw but maybe we could do that another time… (suggest when).”

I was already thinking London before you posted this.

I'd say something like, "Oh thanks PIL, that's a really sweet idea. The only thing is, your holiday cottage really isn't that easy for us to get to. What about doing a weekend together in London instead? I would really like to visit Kew Gardens, the Natural History Museum, maybe even catch a west end show with DH if you wouldn't mind babysitting for a night. What do you think?"

@jeaux90 right?? And trying to avoid them breaking anything / staining anything as PIL Airbnb it the rest of the time. So then you have to cart the kids off out to the small park down the village to allow them to run around. Oh joy.

Dorset is one of my favourite places to visit. It has so much to offer in terms of beautiful countryside and beaches, country pubs, and many attractions. We like to visit Poole Harbour and get a boat trip to Brownsea Island. We’ve done the hop on hop off bus trip from Poole to Bournemouth. We like Rick Steins in Sandbanks. We like the beach at Weymouth and the boat trips from Weymouth harbour. We take the ferry over to the amazing Studland Bay. Corfe Castle is definitely worth a visit. You can pick up the steam train there, which takes you to stunning Swanage.

The Swannery at Abbotsbury is amazing. From there head to Burton Bradstock and West Bay. Lyme Regis is a fabulous seaside town, with a beautiful beach. Just over the border into Devon is the Donkey Sanctuary which is free entry and full of information and news about their work. The donkeys are really cute too.

Thank you for the offer PILs, but we have already got the trip to Majorca planned and can't afford/can't take time off work for/ insert other reason another trip. I'm looking forward to seeing you <<onnextplanneddate>> though

I think this offer is less generous than it initially appears knowing your thoughts on self catering etc, but if you go in to explaining that, you will unfortunately look bratty and unreasonable. I think a polite but cheery thanks but no thanks is needed to preserve family relations here. Hope you enjoy Majorca

How about DH and the kids go to Dorset and you go to a spa?

Send your husband with the kids to stay with his parents, you either stay home or go to the UK with them and do a spa on your own/see friends/whatever.

Some time off from "being mum" is what I would have wanted at those ages.

@Saintmariesleuth that’s what I’m concerned about. I think PIL will sulk/pout and I will get shitty text messages along the lines of ‘ We were just trying to do something nice’. They have form.

I don't think you sound bratty at all. They didn't go to Mallorca as it's not their kind of holiday. Fair enough. So you don't go to Dorset as it's not your kind of holiday. And indeed not much of a holiday at all self catering with little kids somewhere you've no desire to go. Enjoy your all-inclusive with your mum and catch up with in-laws in London when it suits you to go there. They can enjoy their Dorset home at their leisure. If they were that arsed about seeing the kids and celebrating your birthday they'd have accepted your invite.

@pandarific I don't think you are being bratty at all. Let the in laws pout a bit, I think bright and cheery will lessen the pout and sulking period (although I would enjoy the silence). Better to politely put your foot down than go on an awful trip and probably snap at them then. Will DH have you your back on this?

Thanks all. I will consider overnight whether I suggest London instead, get DH to say he and I will bring kids for a holiday with them there, but it won’t be for my birthday as [self evident PITA for us] so let’s do this separate thing for that, or I just breezily say no thanks no annual leave left or something. Lots to think about.

You're being ridiculous. OP isn't "bratty" for feeling less than enthusiastic about a holiday her PIL want to give themselves using the pretext of her birthday.

OP - why not book something fabulous near where you are for your actual birthday, then DH takes the kids separately sometime you have work obligations. Just tell them thanks but nit this time.

Can you not just say “You know that’s not really my thing, PiL. But we could do it for your birthday in xxx, if you like?”

Then you have the obligatory family trip, which I assume you occasionally make anyway, planned out AND you cover doing something for their birthday too.

At the risk of sounding crass, I think you need to be careful about budget here. They are only really offering to buy your flights. It would be very rude of you to counter with anything that suggests they spend more money than that. Maybe flights plus hotels and show tickets, or a spa break, is just too expensive.

I think a cheerful "no thank you" would be fine. Or decouple it from your birthday and do the trip for the sake of the kids seeing the GPs, paying for your own flights, in the summer when you can do beach trips etc. You could even get the train up to London and do a couple of days there while you're over, with or without GPs as they or you choose. Or fly into Gatwick instead and top and tail the trip in London. You'd resent it a whole lot less if you were "allowed" (for want of a better word) to see it as a duty rather than a treat.

I think finding compromise accommodation is going to stay difficult for some years. It costs a lot compared with an existing holiday home and your ILs could be quite offended if you insist on staying elsewhere. Your husband pulling his weight on catering and bedtimes can help a lot towards making SC a bit more of a break for you.

I assume if they rent it out it is in a reasonably nice part of Dorset. There are some lovely places in Dorset. I would go there and use it as a base so you can go off and do your own thing whilst DH and in-laws look after the kids.

Why don’t you just be honest with them and say that you would love to do something with them but not their holiday home as it’s really not very practical with the kids at this age . Then either give them some alternatives or let them suggest something . This way it’s an excuse that can last for years . Where do the PIL live usually , is that nice ?

Can't they come to you for a weekend and babysit?

Do your PiL know that you hate self-catering holidays (they may feel that inviting you to stay with them is a break for you), Dorset and their holiday home? As they presumably like the holiday home and its location, they may think they are offering you a treat. You can decline their offer, of course.

Yes exactly. The fact OP says 'they’re not short of a few bob…' sounds like she feels entitled to have more spent on her than they've offered.

Just joining in on the Dorset dullness. We've been invited to a relatives Airbnb for a family get together.
One night, insufficient beds, journey is four hours one way, has a garden with an unfenced water filled ditch at end not within sightline of the house.
I know it's important for the family to gather, very generous host,etc but it's going to be a long 24hours with a ton of logistics, cooking, cleaning and very little actual having a weather dependant nice time.