Would you fall for a romance scam artist?

[Mojitowithelfreako]

They just seem so ridiculous (the men).
The Tinder Swindler, Dirty John, Bad Surgeon, the guy from Bad Vegan... why do they succeed?
I feel like I would see through it, especially when they bring up the 'CIA' stuff. These women don't seem stupid. Do they never sit back and think 'that doesn't add up' or speak to their friends who say 'that's bullshit'. I just don't get it.
Maybe they are super charming but I think they go too far with their lies. As soon as anyone said 'it's top secret' then I would immediately think what a dick head.
Do you think they try several women before they succeed or can they tell which women want to believe, or are vulnerable?
Or could any of us get drawn in?

A friend of mine fell for one. He was newly divorced, lonely and yes, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She lived in Africa supposedly and he sent her money for a flight to come and visit him. Of course, she never came. He says he sort of knew it was dodgy, but he went along just in case it wasn’t. Loneliness is a powerful emotion.

That one on ITV who was the 9th wife or whatever (The Other Mrs Jordan) was shocking. However you have to remember that was just as mobile phones were becoming common and internet etc. Now I think a lot of women are more "worldly wise" - you can see how much easier it is to find out partners are cheating and now women are accustomed to thinking it is weird for men to be out late etc, as there is no excuse for them not being trackable or contactable.

That being said, I do remember several guys doing the spy/secret service tricks in the 90's. Last one who tried it on was a manager when I volunteered at Help The Aged of all people. All the young girls used to go out and smoke and laugh at the 40yo telling outlandish lies to get into their pants (this was about 2010) so even then it was wearing a bit thin. Maybe they would have believed it more if he had been younger or not simply at work every day what idiot pretends these things to his employees? 🙄

I have been caught out by far more mundane lies (the usual cheating/lies about their past that impact the present) but in my defence I've never married any of the sods or signed over large amounts of cash. I have a healthy cynicism for men and any man asking for money gets the elbow quickly.

"edited to add the name of the ITV show

The woman on Catfish UK who thought she was talking to George Ezra was unreal. The tinder Swindler however, I can see how some of them were sucked in.

I'm always shocked at all the much older women being romanced by 20 year olds and actually thinking they fancy them

If a man in his 20s flirted with me I'd automatically think it was a scam

Nope but I am naturally suspicious I think they usually prey on vulnerable people

"Do you think they try several women before they succeed or can they tell which women want to believe, or are vulnerable?
Or could any of us get drawn in?"

Yes, I think they try several women and stick with the ones who fall for the blarney.

They're just players with a different agenda. The cold-callers of the romance world.

I suppose anyone could get drawn in if they were feeling particularly vulnerable/unloved when the scammer struck.

The only way I'd get scammed is if my DH died and then I'd remarried someone else who turned out to be a scam artist. But the new man would have to fulfil a long list of (almost impossible) criteria to marry me in the first place.

I'm old fashioned, so tbh I wouldn't want a man who needed money off me. And he'd go right down in my estimation if I had to support him. It's just not sexy to me.

It depends where you are in your life at the time tho. Recently bereaved? Friends all too busy? Kids just left home? Recently divorced? I’d like to think I wouldn’t fall for a scam but we are all different people at different times in our life especially when we are vulnerable. Best to stay alert, be intellectually curious and non-judgemental.

You would be surprised. People are easily hoodwinked by flattery. Even more so when they are fairly gifted people they think "finally someone sees me for how great i am".

Hi gorgeous, nice to meet you. I'm currently working with a charity that provides yurts for homeless orphans, kittens and puppies.
My bank card has broken and I need £10000 urgently.
Can you help?

Yep, it happened to me when I was in my 20s. I was broke, though, so he didn’t get much out of me. But the whole relationship was abusive and traumatising.

I do think it can happen to anyone. Someone just needs to invest time and effort into fooling you. Look at all the posts on here from women who find out their partner is a serial cheat/addict/violent years into a relationship. They aren't always being scammed for money, but it's the same thing. Always plenty of cocklodgers about, too.

I think anyone could fall for a scam if they're caught at a bad time. Like the cold calls you get, most of the time they're so obvious and random, but for every 100 people who see through it there must be 1 person who might bank with HSBC, might be in the process of making a large transfer, who gets derailed into a scam. I bet the romance ones are the same, any other time she wouldn't fall for it but was caught at an off time.

I think lots of them don't actually ask directly for money as well.

They kind of hint, and then do the old "I couldn't possibly" when it's offered.

If someone is there after 3 months saying "sweetie could you lend me 10k please" alarm bells would ring. Whereas someone you've been chatting to and are 'in love' with saying "My son has been in an accident and I can't afford the medical bills, he's going to die" would pull the heartstrings a lot more.

Exactly. When people WANT something enough all bets are off, they’re blinded by the light.
One of my children participated in a sport at elite level, and the rewards for those who succeeded were massive, in terms of fame and financial rewards. I saw parents lose all sight of what was safe or appropriate or even normal for their children in pursuit of monetary gain/ fame. I guess it’s the same with romance.

I also agree that we are all more naive than we would like to believe. Not all of these men scam for money.
The bad surgeon guy was not out for money. He just had a god complex.
Something the woman he conned made a good comment, that she wanted to believe that a man like that existed as so much of what she had experienced and what was in the news suggested the opposite. That a genuinely good man was so rare. And us single women don't always want to believe that.

At the end of the day I don't think I'd fall for a scammer because:

• I'm quite happy in my own company, I don't think if I were single again I'd be that desperate for someone else
• I'm not a 'passionate' high emotion person and take a long time to develop strong feelings
• I feel very insecure if I don't have a good buffer of savings and would not risk that for anyone. I've never loaned anyone a large sum of money (though I'll happily give smaller amounts of a friend is in need and I won't expect repayment)

No I would not now but I could fall for any scam if I were to get dementia, brain injury or if when I am older the technology is too far ahead of me because I did not stay up to date.

I think loneliness makes people very vulnerable.

Exactly this - I see marriage as a bit of a scam for women as it is, so I've swerved guys who don't offer anything to the pot and never married. I've still had guys cheat and so I think we do all actually know what it's like to be scammed - we all know exactly how cheated these women feel because most of us have had the emotional/physical version if not the monetary.

I've read far too many Take a breaks in my 62 years to fall for such stuff- why do people? Lonely in many cases and want 'someone' in their life - in the tinder swindler situation- it wasn't loneliness but greed/ego

That's it, it's not like anyone will say yeah, of course i'd fall for a scammer. They're being emotionally manipulated, they're acting in good faith and just getting slowly sucked in. There but for the grace of god etc.

@coldcallerbaiter but that's not the case for the majority of these Netflix documentaries.
Bad Surgeon: he was actually a surgeon. He did spend some money on her and didn't ask her for money (but did probably use her for her journalistic credentials)
Bad Vegan: money but also coercive control. Isolated her. Wrecked her self esteem. She was a successful business woman.
Tinder Swindler: he did actually spend a lot of money upfront to make the women believe he was rich. Used his middle eastern heritage to suggest wealthy family.
Dirty John: very good at seeming knowledgable and trust worthy. Went for the long con, rather than asking straight away for cash. Woman was seduced by his charm.

No I wouldn't. I'm cynical by nature and never trust anyone until I know I can trust them. Too many dodgy people out there.

Also depends how long their game is. Lots of us think we’d never be scammed by the surgeon or the army guy, but plenty of women have committed their life, children , finances to a man who turns out to be abusive (often years in) . Often in these situations, there have been tiny red flags from the beginning that we saw as insignificant at the time. It takes a lot of (shit) experiences and education to be able to identify red flags from the off.

I think lots of people get conned.
Just look at how many people stay with abusive men, why don’t they leave?
Why don’t they leave when someone cheats on them?
Is there a difference in staying with a man who takes your money as opposed to one who takes your self esteem?