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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

437 replies

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 20:49

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

OP posts:
JustJessi · 31/03/2024 20:53

YANBU!

AmiShitsaline · 31/03/2024 21:01

I think it’s fine if he is in the same room where they are playing or watching Peppa pig or something but why are you (both) letting them get up so early, 5am is the middle of the night!

KalaMush · 31/03/2024 21:03

Sorry but I think YABU. I had two early risers. Anything it takes to get you through to 7am is fair game and doesn't count as normal parenting!

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:05

KalaMush · 31/03/2024 21:03

Sorry but I think YABU. I had two early risers. Anything it takes to get you through to 7am is fair game and doesn't count as normal parenting!

When I’ve been up with them 5-7am, which I was, for a year, I never used the television because it just entices them to wake up early/even earlier.

im not “letting them”. Wake up that early. They just do. We went through it with our older child who now thankfully sleeps until 6-7am but this is just an unfortunate phase and there is little we can do - we have tried everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:07

I’m not here asking people if my children watching tv is ok. My rule is they don’t and I’m not here to ask about that.

im asking if my husband Watching himself for hours on end is ok whilst parenting. Especially given he said he would stop doing it/I trusted him/I would really have rather been awake instead and not doing it.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 31/03/2024 21:07

YANBU and I'd be fuming too.

It's a piss poor effort on his part.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:08

I sorry op but at 5am I'd be dozing/scrolling too with enough of an eye to check for danger but just that.

I'm an awesome parent a few hours later. But 5am? No.

lanabana · 31/03/2024 21:08

Thing I was getting up at 5am while DH lay in bed for another 2 hours I would be mightily annoyed if he started dictating to me what I should do with that time. 5am risers are hell and there are another 12 or so hours on their days to be doing productive stuff with/for them. Sorry OP but I think YABU here

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 21:09

KalaMush · 31/03/2024 21:03

Sorry but I think YABU. I had two early risers. Anything it takes to get you through to 7am is fair game and doesn't count as normal parenting!

No she isn’t. I’ve seen videos of child psychologists talking about how harmful it is to very young children to have a parent just stare at an object and not engage with them at all. The child has no idea why they’re being ignored, it’s cold and neglectful to them.

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 21:10

OP is going to trigger all the parents who think it’s ok to do this!

snowdrop27 · 31/03/2024 21:10

You can supervise kids playing whilst doom scrolling, if he's ignoring them, not feeding them etc that's obviously a different issue. But as long as they're happy I think yabu op.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:10

lanabana · 31/03/2024 21:08

Thing I was getting up at 5am while DH lay in bed for another 2 hours I would be mightily annoyed if he started dictating to me what I should do with that time. 5am risers are hell and there are another 12 or so hours on their days to be doing productive stuff with/for them. Sorry OP but I think YABU here

But did you miss that I would be getting up with them happily to avoid this?

OP posts:
shakeitoffsis · 31/03/2024 21:11

I don't see the issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:11

At this stage @MissLucyx , cos the op hasn't said, you have no idea if the kids even know they're being ignored. At that age my two would have just been playing mega bloks or 'sorting' laundry with absolutely no idea or care what I was doing.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:12

I don’t think you can really, no. This isn’t a couple of videos it’s constant for 2 hours straight there’s no way in hell you can engage and supervise doing that/ no way.

as I said in my op there have been times 1 year old has a bump or a scratch he “can’t explain” or times I wake up to sound of 1 year old crying or trying to talk to him and hear nothing coming back. So I don’t think it’s working for him, no.

OP posts:
lanabana · 31/03/2024 21:14

But did you miss that I would be getting up with them happily to avoid this?

No, not at all. But while he is doing it, I don't think you get to tell him how he should do it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2024 21:14

Op Yanbu.
you should be able to get rest while pregnant and know that your children are being properly looked after while you’re resting.
I would ask him if he thinks he can leave his phone outside the room or charging when with them as they are such addictive devices that it’s extremely hard to ignore when they are within reach/sight. Would he agree to that? Or are you going to be getting up too now as you don’t trust him 😫

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:17

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2024 21:14

Op Yanbu.
you should be able to get rest while pregnant and know that your children are being properly looked after while you’re resting.
I would ask him if he thinks he can leave his phone outside the room or charging when with them as they are such addictive devices that it’s extremely hard to ignore when they are within reach/sight. Would he agree to that? Or are you going to be getting up too now as you don’t trust him 😫

I’m just going to get up with them now. I think the principle is I should be able to trust my husband with our children, as you say. I can’t trust he is giving them adequate focus so I will take over. But then I think that’s pretty sad isn’t it? He works a lot which is great but means he has very little time with the children so this is his main block of time with them. It’s sad he can’t focus on them for that period of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:17

The bottom line is people are just addicted to their phones I suppose

OP posts:
Bakewellpuddingandcustard · 31/03/2024 21:19

MissLucyx · 31/03/2024 21:10

OP is going to trigger all the parents who think it’s ok to do this!

Hmm
AmiShitsaline · 31/03/2024 21:19

‘When I’ve been up with them 5-7am, which I was, for a year, I never used the television because it just entices them to wake up early/even earlier’

by that logic, having daddy entertain them with activities would entice them to wake up earlier

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:21

AmiShitsaline · 31/03/2024 21:19

‘When I’ve been up with them 5-7am, which I was, for a year, I never used the television because it just entices them to wake up early/even earlier’

by that logic, having daddy entertain them with activities would entice them to wake up earlier

I’m not suggesting he needs to entertain them. He could sit there with his coffee and just watch them and chip in - that’s what I did. The point is that he is engaging and actually supervising.

and by the way, the logic isn’t the same. Screen times are addictive and so they do get up to watch tv if they are allowed.

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 31/03/2024 21:22

lanabana · 31/03/2024 21:08

Thing I was getting up at 5am while DH lay in bed for another 2 hours I would be mightily annoyed if he started dictating to me what I should do with that time. 5am risers are hell and there are another 12 or so hours on their days to be doing productive stuff with/for them. Sorry OP but I think YABU here

This. I say this.

CheeryPye · 31/03/2024 21:22

Sorry but it sounds more like YOU agreed and he just went along for a quiet life. You do come across a little overbearing. I mean to the extent of even checking how many minutes and what subject he's watching? Come on, the children aren't burning the house down while he's in the same room for goodness dake. You probably wouldn't like it if he told you what you should be doing and how. In fact the consensus on here would be to tell him to piss off if he came on here complaining you were watching YouTube instead of being glued to the children every single second of a two hour window. What harm is it actually doing?

Minniliscious · 31/03/2024 21:23

I may be in the minority but I wouldn’t mind my kids getting up at 5. I’m an early riser and don’t mind that part of the day. I have to wrestle them out of bed on a school morning despite them sleeping loads 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m lucky if they’re awake by 8.