Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

[Hormonalorjustified]

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

YABU

Mine were early risers and it's the only way to make it through.

You're coming across really badly with a very pious attitude

YABVU. Being sleep deprived is awful and it's freaking hard work to start at 5am. If the kids are ok and there's no other big issue (and this isn't an all day thing), I think you're out of line to try to dictate that he can't be on his phone. As another poster said, what if he read a book? A newspaper? Is it that you don't approve of what he's watching on his phone?

No, that’s fair. But the videos were 2-3 mins long so he was obviously spending a lot of time getting new videos to put on. For the entire time period. I think people are not really understanding what I’m saying - it’s not like a bit of casual football score reading or a little tired scrolling it’s totally full on. That’s why I’m so annoyed - the extent of it. It’s not some sort of wild blanket ban but 2 straight hours of videos is bullshit.

I’ve answered that. And again - I would rather be the sleep deprived one then.

I guess it all does depend entirely on what they are doing then.
Which like you say, you don't know.
I'd be inclined to find that out first.

Because for me, independent playing on their own is just about the best thing they can be doing for their development.

When my kids were that age and doing that, I deliberately and actively stepped back to let them crack on.

Well guess what, we’re all different people including your DH who clearly doesn’t think the same. How does it make a difference if he reads a book straight for 2 hours or decides to be on his phone? You don’t actually know if he’s on his phone for 2 hours, all you’ve done is check the internet usage. YABU imo

i don’t mind - I think it’s my tone but I’m not meaning it how it’s coming across. But also it’s bound to sound pious because I’m criticising something lots of parents do (and as I said, I used to struggle with too)

The usage is like this
video 1 5.01
video 2 5.04
video 3 5.06

for 2 hours. It’s pretty clear!

What did you do during that time, out of curiosity?

Is this sarcasm or are you being serious? I can never tell lol

I’m being a bit flippant but basically I think it’s good for children’s development to be left to crack on with it themselves for part of the day. (Particularly at such an ungodly time of the morning!)

Weird that so many people aren’t able to doomscroll and watch children at the same time. I would 100% be flicking through TikTok at that time of morning but more than capable of responding and interacting with my kids if they need me. 2 hours is not that long to be playing independently.

Fine, you might well find yourself as a single parent with that attitude though! You will need to compromise with parenting. You posted here for opinions, I would sit back and think about it if I were you.

The issue is actually that you have two children who think it's okay to get up at 5am every morning. Sleep training them not to is far more important than booting your husband out for watching videos first thing when he's had to get up at an ungodly hour.

Also, you haven't answered the question a few PP have asked: is this an every day situation and is he going to work after getting up at 5am?

I can't honestly remember. Probably a mixture of things. Chores/chill/exercise. But I do remember seeing them play and then quietly backing off before they saw me.

I didnt do anything when my child got up at 5am I laid on the sofa and let my child play. It’s too early and I hate mornings, if they need me to do something or get breakfast I will but I’m not playing at 5am. Also as my child got older if they woke earlier than 7 I’d give them an iPad in my bed and go back to sleep so you’d judge me.

I have answered that, I think twice.

Leaving aside that this is an insanely detailed level of internet monitoring, doesn’t YouTube auto play the next video once the one you’re watching finishes? Or at least the algorithms present one for you to click play on? I don’t think this confirms that he’s actively searching for video after video as opposed to just mindlessly scrolling/letting it run. Maybe he is, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve got that proven.

You sound very judgmental and controlling. He gets up with them, his rules.

I wouldn’t care if my partner was watching videos untill a more normal hour as long as they’re not neglected , ie sitting in a pooey nappy or not fed. There’s the whole day to play games and be productive.

YouTube is usually set to autoplay so another video will automatically come on after one has finished.

If this is the kind of parenting that you “despair” of, you have lived a very sheltered life and clearly have no idea of the genuinely very difficult family circumstances thousands of children experience. You may not think it’s great parenting and you may wish he didn’t do it, but if it makes you “despair” then you have lost all sense of perspective.

It’s good to see other opinions, yes. But I feel like posters are deliberately ignoring quite a few aspects of what I’m saying.

these are the only 2 hours DH sees the children during the week. They are very early but this is all they have for quality time.

if my husband and I did get divorced, re childcare hours as I’m going to start getting up with them I’ll be having them 100% of the time during the week anyway so that’s not going to make a different to me 😃

people are really ignoring the trust impact of this. I think if he had just been straight with me “I think this is fine” and had the opinion people on this thread have we could have had a proper discussion about it. As it is he misled me about What he was going to do/what he’s been doing and no, I don’t think that’s alright. Even if IABU and people think I’m pious or a bitch etc. I think it’s important to trust and know what your partner is doing with you children, even if you don’t agree with it

I agree it isn't OK for him to constantly be glued to his phone. It sounds like he's addicted(like so many). Yanbu.

this is a valid point - does that happen if you leave the phone screen unlocked? And they are unrelated videos?

At 5am it's survival mode, i have slept on the "early shift" on the sofa before. If this is 9am etc i would agree with you. Plus doesn't he then do a long day at work?

You need to sort out the DC sleep before the next one arrives! Sleep training/sleep coach/whatever you can, having kids wake at 5am every day is hell!