DW's overwhelming negativity

[PinkRunningShoes]

DW has always been a bit negative but nothing too terrible. We've recently been spending a lot more time together again since we both started WFH and I really don't know how to live with this negativity anymore.

E.g.:

1. She doesn't ask normal questions. She says something accusatory and poses it as a question. I ALWAYS walk the dog at 7:30am. I come home with some coffees for us, go to take a quick shower, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me is "you didn't walk the dog right". It's her way of asking if I did but why couldn't she just ask the question!
2. Everything is a criticism. I've recently bought an umbrella with a wooden duck sort of handle and the first thing she said was "aren't we too old for that". Bought pink running shoes for the morning dog walks. "Why would you get something in that shade?" Bought some nice moisturisers and face masks. "You do know that the supermarket ones do the same thing" Which may be so but these are fun.
3. Everything I do is wrong. I buy her some croissants she complains that they taste mediocre and it's unhealthy. I don't buy her croissants and she calls me selfish. There's no winning here.

We've spoken about this issue countless times and I'm always called "sensitive" as she's just "telling it like it is". After the dog comment yesterday I asked her why couldn't she just ask a question instead of making a negative statement so early in the morning and she said "am I not allowed to talk in my own house"!!

AIBU to be affected by this?

Try. Good morning darling, dog walked, coffees there in a faux cheery voice and breeze off. Or oh yes the duck handle cute isn’t it it I bought it cos it makes me smile and breeze off. The breezing off is critical. I have a parent like this and this is my strategy. I actually think it’s when people aren’t feeling good and it’s a way they project it out and try and affect your mood too or try to get a rise and cause a row so it gives them a legitimate reason for how shitty they feel. Someone telling you you are sensitive is their way of ensuring you allow them to continue to treat you badly.

Op, currently have the exact same as you thought the DP says it’s the menopause. Probably is as they’re so up and down but it does grate so much and there’s so little you can do about it.

Tell her how it makes you feel but don't make assumptions or accusations.

Sometimes people have blind spots when it comes to how their behaviour is impacting those around them, and need to be made aware.

She'll likely be more receptive if you focus on how the behaviour makes YOU feel, rather than pointing out what she's doing "wrong" (that will send most people into defense mode).

Mamette · Today 10:10
JFC my heart is a tiny bit broken for you thinking about your new umbrella and your cheerful pink runners and then she comes along and shits all over it.

Me too, @Mamette , so sad. (And I also have a ducky brolly, and I'm 60!)

I have a relative like this too, and I feel so sorry for her husband, it's just constant.

@PinkRunningShoes She sounds awful. It doesn't have to be like this, it really doesn't.

Get out now.You can do better than her and you deserve better.

Thing with her claiming to “tell it like it is” her version of “like it is” is miserable and nasty cruel. That’s how she thinks, this is who she is. She’s nasty and cruel and miserable and joyless.

you get one life, would you not be happier alone?

She sounds exhausting.

Yep.

She sounds an utter misery. Such a drain. Get out and find yourself a radiator, someone who will love and appreciate your fun, caring side. Anyone who brings me coffee in the morning is a winner in my book.

I don’t really know what to say, except no, you’re not unreasonable to be fed up of it.
I wouldn’t even like someone like this conversationally, never mind be able to find the strength to live with them. You’re a saint.

Also, you go out of your way to bring little pockets of joy into your life (and hers, I’d love a coffee delivery each morning!) and for what? For her to pour cold water all over you and constantly make you feel small/ sad. Nah. She sounds horrible to be honest.

People who say "I'm just telling it like it is" have no intention to take any responsibility for the consequences of their actions or to modify their behaviour because it is hurful or damaging to somebody else. They are attached to and value their freedom to behave as they wish above all else including the feelings of the people they are wearing down and hurting. It's a very selfish way of living, and to be in a relationship with somebody with that as one of their core values would be so at odds with my values that it just wouldn't be a fit. I suspect that the same is true for you.

Such wise words. Very true.

Yep.

This: (hoping photo adds!)

Another couple of options you could try. Every time she says something negative say "Oh" in a slightly hurt voice and walk off, don't engage in any further conversation.She will get the message, but you're not pointing it out or criticising her in any way.

Or do what DH does and change the topic entirely. I'm pretty upbeat but I do moan about the dog ( his idea ) on occasion. He just changes the subject randomly and it has to be something I want to discuss properly rather than a random moan to switch it back to previous topic.

She's doesn't like you. You irritate her.

I'm sorry but you need to leave her as you deserve better.

After the dog comment yesterday I asked her why couldn't she just ask a question instead of making a negative statement so early in the morning and she said "am I not allowed to talk in my own house"!!

I'd have said 'yes, but almost everything you say is negative and critical. I feel that you are getting at me and it's depressing and annoying me. I feel that I can't relax around you, and it's really making me question our relationship.'

See what she says. Is this new? What has changed for her?

Can you usually talk openly to her, or is she defensive and prickly?

The negativity isn't exactly new but it was different. When we first met she was grumpy but still incredibly fun and sweet and she used to joke about how she's rehearsing for when she can finally yell at clouds à la Grandpa from the Simpsons.

The negativity was also more general (about world events or the country etc but we could still debate about it then). It's only this year especially that she's been directing it all my way. I don't know if it's because we now spend so much time together whereas before it was mainly evenings and weekends or if it's me specifically.

Don’t let this horrible twat bring your life down. You only get one go.

Set yourself and your dog free.

Sounds like if this isn't abuse it will be.

Leave. Before she breaks your spirit.

You sound lovely OP and she sounds awful. Does she have any redeeming qualities?

My mum is rather like that and it's very wearing. Her attitude comes from low self esteem and a pessimistic outlook. She thinks if she tells everyone how negatively she sees them they will run around in circles proving otherwise. And that if she always presumes the worst case scenario then she's saving herself from disappointment.

I can brush it off much more now as we don't live together (or even near each other) but it would be soul-sucking otherwise.

If I gave her a birthday present she would respond not by saying thank you, but "oh I didn't think you'd remember my birthday" with accompanying sad face. N.B. I've never once forgotten! If I mentioned I was very busy at work she would say "oh I knew you wouldn't be able to cope, I expect they'll make you redundant now" and so on. A few times I did snap back and it just gave her more excuse to act the victim. I don't know what the answer is OP but I sympathise!

My husband is a joy sponge. It took me so long to see it. He complains about everything, utterly obsessed with work. Even when I try to be upbeat he just criticises me and craps on everything. It’s so exhausting. I don’t have any advice sadly but I’m just trying to slowly do more without him so he doesn’t ruin everything.

I'd sit her down and say, 'I cannot live with you any longer. You are so miserable, so negative that you are sucking the life out of me like a Dementor. Unless you can accept this is true and make immediate efforts to change, I'll be speaking to a solicitor and filing for divorce'.

Tell her clearly, 'I'm just telling it like it is'.

This sounds awful, it would really wear me down and leave me wiped out emotionally. Are there any good/positive moments at all, or is it pretty much entirely like this? If you ever want to talk to her about something that's bothering you (e.g. a problem at work), will she listen and empathise, or does she find ways to put you down/be negative no matter what?

It sounds like she isn't even receptive to hearing how you feel about the situation, which must be so frustrating and difficult. Have you thought about ending the relationship? Do you think it would be a wake-up call for her?

You don't have to stay with him!!

Seriously your happiness, yours and ops is important, you need to put yourselves first and not allow other people to drag you down.