DW's overwhelming negativity

[PinkRunningShoes]

DW has always been a bit negative but nothing too terrible. We've recently been spending a lot more time together again since we both started WFH and I really don't know how to live with this negativity anymore.

E.g.:

1. She doesn't ask normal questions. She says something accusatory and poses it as a question. I ALWAYS walk the dog at 7:30am. I come home with some coffees for us, go to take a quick shower, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me is "you didn't walk the dog right". It's her way of asking if I did but why couldn't she just ask the question!
2. Everything is a criticism. I've recently bought an umbrella with a wooden duck sort of handle and the first thing she said was "aren't we too old for that". Bought pink running shoes for the morning dog walks. "Why would you get something in that shade?" Bought some nice moisturisers and face masks. "You do know that the supermarket ones do the same thing" Which may be so but these are fun.
3. Everything I do is wrong. I buy her some croissants she complains that they taste mediocre and it's unhealthy. I don't buy her croissants and she calls me selfish. There's no winning here.

We've spoken about this issue countless times and I'm always called "sensitive" as she's just "telling it like it is". After the dog comment yesterday I asked her why couldn't she just ask a question instead of making a negative statement so early in the morning and she said "am I not allowed to talk in my own house"!!

AIBU to be affected by this?

This is not straight talking. I’m known for being very direct- however I am not rude, miserable, ungrateful or passive aggressive.
Your wife sounds awful to live with tbh

My late mil was a classic narc ( diagnosed one too) and drained my late fil for years and years until they really disliked each other. He would have walked over hot coals for her and it still wasn't enough. She would give him the silent treatment and generally be about as horrible as someone can be but also manage to get away with it.
Don't end up like him op, you'll be walking on egg shells your entire life if she turns out as bad as she did over the years. She already sounds hard work and it won't get any better.
Tell her to walk her own dog too.

I think the PP is right in asking if she's like this with other family members or just with you? If she's like this with everyone then it's a "her" problem. If she's only like it with you then it's a relationship problem.

"I'm just telling like it is" is societal code for let me blame you for my lack of empathy/care/giving a fuck about your feelings.

I'd tell her that.

I agree with everyone else. I loathe constant negativity. Would you consider leaving? If so, tell her. Maybe that would make her see how seriously her behaviour is impacting your relationship.

Sounds like my mother. I couldn't live with someone like that. Non stop negativity with no desire to change.

@PinkRunningShoes do you want to live like this? I assume not and it sounds miserable.

I guess you could suggest counselling. It's either going to help her understand the impact this has or it won't. If you don't want to stay in this dynamic it could help you with an exit.

Is she depressed? Unhappy with her life?

Buy her a gratitude journal. Sounds like she is taking you for granted.
I grew up with a critical father and so I can be a bit negative at times but I am self aware so try and self correct.
last night DH went and got fish and chips for adult DS, himself and me. The fish was on the small side and I found myself saying you only got the one fish then?! ( Between the 3 of us) Afterwards I thanked him for going to get them as I was very grateful he had made the effort to go out in the cold.

She sounds exhausting. I’d recommend couples counselling because you get to discuss things with a referee of sorts in the room! Incredibly useful if you’re having the same arguments over and over, also very good for when one party genuinely can’t see the others POV or empathise with the position.

What do you get out of this relationship? Where's the love? The fun? The joy?

Personally I couldn't live with someone like that so I'd be planning the separation.

Her minimising and mocking your feelings when you challenge her is gaslighting and not okay.

I'd respond with 'why do you tell me I'm sensitive when I point out how unkind/miserable/accusatory you're being?'

My husband and I both managed to change this behaviour. So it is possible.

We went through a very hard life period which gave us both varying degrees of anxiety. This presented in an 'us against the world' attitude which developed into grumpiness and judgemental attitudes towards others. Ever actually spoken to the person being directed at, DH and I would just bitch to ourselves about others constantly.

When my MH stabilised I decided I wanted to change this, as part of my personal growth. After some time I started pointing out and challenging when DH did it. DHs MH started improving and we are both emotionally much happier once we made this deliberate decision to reduce negativity.

I'm writing this to give voice to the fact that thus doesn't have to be LTB. It's fixable, if you wife is prepared to commit to change and growth.

Fun sponge 🧽 They're depressing creatures. If it's constant contemplate if you want that for your life, it's not going to stop as when you mention it she makes it 'your fault'

In the meantime just stay positive. 'Aren't we too old for that?' 'I'm not I love it'

'these croissants don't taste nice' 'really? Mine tastes great I'm enjoying it'

'you can get these cheaper from X' 'yes but these were the ones I wanted'

Water off a ducks back, you don't need to justify what you buy and if it's not good enough for her she can just not use/eat, and you can continue to enjoy it. It must be exhausting for her being so miserable! Sod that!!

This is abuse.

You need to leave this relationship now.

She will continue to abuse you and control you, she won't change.

An abuser is always an abuser.

"Oh we are "telling it like it is?" OK, it's hurtful to me to always be criticised, and it's killing my love for you: if you keep it up, I can see this behaviour splitting us up"

She’s not being negative, she’s being a cow. There’s a difference.

@ApiratesaysYarrr has nailed it.

Where did you get an umbrella with a duck handle?! <misses point>

Would you say you are in this relationship out of habit? Are there DC?

She sounds incredibly jealous and she can only handle your optimism by putting you down so that you are both on the same level of miserableness. If you continue this relationship she will succeed and you will end up being resentful (I would be already) and equally unpleasant. Leaving will definitely be very beneficial for you, you will feel so much lighter, but it will bring her further down her hole of bitterness. I doubt you’ll miss her and you sunny personality will help you bounce back very quickly. It’s just not ok of her to treat others this way, it’s manipulative and nasty.

Yes, absolutely this. Also it won't hurt to see how you could manage financially without your, currently, not very darling sounding wife if, at some stage, you decided you were being made unhappy in this relationship, if she was unable to recognise the effect on you or she's unwilling to do what's necessary to bring the pair of you back on an even keel. 🌹

Out of ageist assumptions, you mean.

Wow she doesn’t know how lucky she is. I’d trade my partner in a heartbeat for someone who helps out consistently, considers me and has a fun side! Your wife doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it!

JFC my heart is a tiny bit broken for you thinking about your new umbrella and your cheerful pink runners and then she comes along and shits all over it.

Why is she monitoring the dog walking as it sounds like she never does it?

I would be telling her to fuck off but then I’m very hot headed and never shy away from a full on row when I feel wronged.

She's a pain!

She sounds really unpleasant and undermining. And a bit of a bully, in a very insidious way. She’s doing this on purpose because - consciously or not - she likes making you feel small / sad.