DW's overwhelming negativity

[PinkRunningShoes]

DW has always been a bit negative but nothing too terrible. We've recently been spending a lot more time together again since we both started WFH and I really don't know how to live with this negativity anymore.

E.g.:

1. She doesn't ask normal questions. She says something accusatory and poses it as a question. I ALWAYS walk the dog at 7:30am. I come home with some coffees for us, go to take a quick shower, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me is "you didn't walk the dog right". It's her way of asking if I did but why couldn't she just ask the question!
2. Everything is a criticism. I've recently bought an umbrella with a wooden duck sort of handle and the first thing she said was "aren't we too old for that". Bought pink running shoes for the morning dog walks. "Why would you get something in that shade?" Bought some nice moisturisers and face masks. "You do know that the supermarket ones do the same thing" Which may be so but these are fun.
3. Everything I do is wrong. I buy her some croissants she complains that they taste mediocre and it's unhealthy. I don't buy her croissants and she calls me selfish. There's no winning here.

We've spoken about this issue countless times and I'm always called "sensitive" as she's just "telling it like it is". After the dog comment yesterday I asked her why couldn't she just ask a question instead of making a negative statement so early in the morning and she said "am I not allowed to talk in my own house"!!

AIBU to be affected by this?

Saying anything when she does this is frankly quite tiring because there is what I now call the "bank of rebuttals" and it drags it on.

So for example if I say "do we really have to be so negative", I'd get either

1. Why are you so sensitive I'm just telling it like it is
2. Are you so insecure you cannot handle honesty? Must I sugarcoat everything?
3. Am I not allowed to say anything in my own home?

You sound as though you look for the joy in the small things( pink shoes, duck handle , coffees brought home) and her first thought is criticism. What are her parents like? Might be inbred.
Don’t give up the joy! Just reply with, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all, in a mock mother tone.

“I’m just telling it like it is. You’re being a pain in my arse (and give me the croissant back!).”

This sounds like a passive aggressive child relationship. This is the sort of thing that 'some' parents do... like looking into your messy bedroom, knowing it's messy, and then finding you in the house and asking "have you cleaned your room?".

She thinks she's better than you, nothing you do is going to be right, and then she gaslights you by saying you shouldn't be getting upset when she's just tried to wrile you

Is she like this with everyone or just you? That would help to show if she has developed contempt for you or is struggling with this very negative thought pattern.

I'd also be so grateful for those thoughtful acts of service!

People who ‘tell it like it is’ are just using code for ‘rude’.

Do you have the financial option to split up if you want to, OP?

Perhaps seeing that there might be consequence to the way she's making you live might make your wife do something about it?

Fuck. Life's too short to live it like this. Just leave and take the dog.

@PinkRunningShoes would she be willing to go counselling with you? This is the only way to possibly move forward in a healthy way. Otherwise, this is your life for the next 30 years, or you split up , or you start biting back which is not good to anyone.

Tbh , I find her comments and goading borderline emotional abuse. All meant to keep you down and on the back foot. How you lasted so long is a mystery to me.

It's a real pet hate of mine when people make a statement a question but putting the word 'right' at the end. Ie the 'you walked the dog right?' It's designed so you agree with them, and if you don't, so 'no' you didn't walk the dog, then you are disagreeing rather than answering a question. I have a customer who does this all the time and it's almost a bully tactic.

No answers to your post other than she sounds exhausting at best and bloody awful in general

My MIL is like this, she always has to find a negative slant on everything and it’s exhausting, luckily I don’t live with her! I don’t think I could deal with this day in day out, it sounds miserable.

P.S. please can you come and walk my dog & bring me coffee??

That feeling you’re having, that is the wool being pulled from your eyes.

I bet you anything, if you split up with her, everyone would say ‘thank God, we all hated her, she was such a drain on our energy and we don’t know what you saw in her!’

How can you walk a dog wrong? I know what I would do but I know it’s not easy to break up. Good luck to you.

DH is a bit like this -it’s the tone of voice rather than what he says -

‘is this here for a reason?’ Rather than shall I put the x away.

i think it’s taking their bad mood out on you -would never do it to colleagues or their friends - I’d probably split if it was as bad as that

1. Show her the replies
2. I wouldn't even give her the time of day of an answer until she could ask the question properly.
3. If she can't ask properly she could get to fuck.

YANBU

Is she particularly anxious and it’s become a habit of checking? And a negative loop cycle? Or depressed so being a misery.
is there a back story where you used to be unreliable so she had to check things?

Either way if it’s affecting you I agree some counselling. And a conversation before hand about how it’s making you feel. Any hint of ‘you’re being sensitive’ you need to say ‘my feelings are valid here, it’s my life and I won’t be made to feel like this every day. ‘ good luck.

I had a frenemy who would do this. She was very immature, arrogant and had strong traits of narcissism. Awful woman.

I think you have to find the humour in the grumpy / happy dynamic so when you call her out on it so it can be received with a smile rather than felt as an attack. Smile, give her a kiss on the cheek, hand her the coffee and tell her she's the grumpy dwarf to your happy!

My OH is like this and it's a drain! I usually sing 'happy talking' every time he starts on a negative note...

I don't often say to anyone they should leave their partners , but do yourself a favour and at least think about it. She doesn't deserve you at all and she sounds awful.

This would wear me down to the point of ending the relationship.

We've spoken about this issue countless times and I'm always called "sensitive" as she's just "telling it like it is".

These comments would cause me to elevate it to an argument. She's gaslighting you and refusing to take any responsibility that her behaviour is hurtful to the woman she claims to love and want to spend her life with. She is free to behave as she wishes, but nobody is free from the consequences of their behaviour, and the consequences of hers is that it is damaging your relationship with her.

People who say "I'm just telling it like it is" have no intention to take any responsibility for the consequences of their actions or to modify their behaviour because it is hurful or damaging to somebody else. They are attached to and value their freedom to behave as they wish above all else including the feelings of the people they are wearing down and hurting. It's a very selfish way of living, and to be in a relationship with somebody with that as one of their core values would be so at odds with my values that it just wouldn't be a fit. I suspect that the same is true for you.

I feel for you OP, this sounds so draining. Despite my username I am an optimist on the whole. I had a friend like this & I used to avoid her in the morning when I lived with her as I couldn’t take it first thing! How long have you been married? You sound lovely & thoughtful by the way. Like a pp said you can come & live with me!

Can you imagine how light you would feel if you left her? You would feel like you were on holiday. On your own.

What is it that keeps you there?

I completely agree with the previous poster who said that if you did dump her everybody around you would say oh thank God you did that.

So so draining and depressing. Please get couples' counselling. I'm sure she can change but it looks as though she doesn't want to at the moment

1. Why are you so sensitive

"sensitivity isn't a weakness but I don't think I'm being sensitive, I think you're being mean."

I'm just telling it like it is

Your decision to do so is coming between us."

You should tell it like it is too and say you're sick of her misery. Don't accept it when she says you're over sensitive. She's trying to make it your issue and not hers.