DW's overwhelming negativity

[PinkRunningShoes]

DW has always been a bit negative but nothing too terrible. We've recently been spending a lot more time together again since we both started WFH and I really don't know how to live with this negativity anymore.

E.g.:

1. She doesn't ask normal questions. She says something accusatory and poses it as a question. I ALWAYS walk the dog at 7:30am. I come home with some coffees for us, go to take a quick shower, and the first thing she says to me when she sees me is "you didn't walk the dog right". It's her way of asking if I did but why couldn't she just ask the question!
2. Everything is a criticism. I've recently bought an umbrella with a wooden duck sort of handle and the first thing she said was "aren't we too old for that". Bought pink running shoes for the morning dog walks. "Why would you get something in that shade?" Bought some nice moisturisers and face masks. "You do know that the supermarket ones do the same thing" Which may be so but these are fun.
3. Everything I do is wrong. I buy her some croissants she complains that they taste mediocre and it's unhealthy. I don't buy her croissants and she calls me selfish. There's no winning here.

We've spoken about this issue countless times and I'm always called "sensitive" as she's just "telling it like it is". After the dog comment yesterday I asked her why couldn't she just ask a question instead of making a negative statement so early in the morning and she said "am I not allowed to talk in my own house"!!

AIBU to be affected by this?

I was looking for a reply like this as this was my first thought too.

She isn't just being grumpy, she is constantly undermining you, belittling you, bullying you. Its emotional abuse.

Start lining those ducks up.... Next to you fab new brolly!! 😃

jokes aside though, can you really carry on like this? What are you actually gaining from this marriage? Are there any positives that actually make sticking around worthwhile? Doesnt sound like it. She moans, you call it out and then she gaslights you. I'd rather be single than this miserable!

Some people are just natural bullies - even if it’s just low level. They automatically without even planning to, always put someone else down and try to deflate them. The person doing it it’s always aware that’s what they are doing, but it feels instinctive to aways say something that will make the other person feel crap/small. To stamp out joy in others.

you’ve raised it before and she’s not made an effort to change so this is who she is. I couldn’t live like this. A partner should make you feel good, not always be the reason you need lifting up.

I’d add to this with using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’.

“I feel anxious/unhappy/belittled when …’

P.S I have that umbrella. It’s fabulous.

This is such a shame. You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful, positive person, and instead of cherishing that she is just crapping all over it.

She sounds very unhappy about something, I think it's about her and not to you. Is she jealous of you, are you doing better in life than she is, maybe couples counselling would help you both to understand the dynamics of your relationship.
Or maybe she's just a very negative person, unfortunately it's going to be hard going forward for you if she is, she seems to be draining the life out of you.

Couples’ counselling, if you really want to try to save your marriage with this draining person?

My son had a phase of this as a toddler. I used to sing the Darth Vader theme at him.

When you're not together, how do you feel? Relaxed, comfortable, confident etc? Or missing her and looking forward to seeing her?

When you're together - well, we know how you feel there.

It seems to be that she doesn't much enjoy your relationship these days and she's picking holes and finding fault.

Would couples counselling be possible?

She’s grinding you down. In olden terms, she would be a “shrew”.

Just remember this is your future as well as your present OP. You should be with someone who appreciates the coffees and croissants, the fact that you do the early morning dog walk, and take pleasure in simple things like a daft brolly.

You sound lovely OP with your pink trainers and duck umbrella. Your wife is a lucky woman. What a shame she can't see that. I'd suggest counselling if you think your marriage is salvageable. If not, get your ducks in a row and think how much freer your life would be without this dementor and bully on your shoulder. Take the dog as well 😘

My take is slightly different, but I don’t think she like you very much, and is irritated by your positive outlook because she is miserable. She wants to row with you, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. I think you need have an honest chat and consider your options.

Use annoying saying ''you catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar'' . I think it's used in Gone with the Wind.

Joy sponge. Love it. Im going to use that one.
But you have hit the nail on the head- what does she want to achieve. If she agrees to go to counselling with this question there might be hope. Otherwise you will have to start planning your escape.

Gotta love those tell it like it is folks 🙄.

I can’t imagine this makes for an even remotely harmonious home. You have my sympathies as I couldn’t exist in this environment.

LTB. Life is too short to live with such negativity.

Stand your ground with people who tell you that you are too sensitive if what you are actually doing is expressing a healthy emotion appropriate to the circumstance.

Her behaviour is joyless and critical. Either she examines this properly or she risks losing you.

Meanwhile get some stock phrases ready for criticisms of your choice of clothes, umbrella etc: 'Because I love it'; 'No one's ever too old for anything'.
As for the dog, I'd be tempted to say - if you know a perfect way to walk a dog and I'm failing at it, get out of bed and do that perfect dogwalk yourself! Otherwise, what you're trying to say is: thank you for walking the dog. Would you like a cup of tea?'

You don't have to stay, of course.

It's time for you to "tell it like it is".

@ApiratesaysYarrr Nailed it totally!
You don't have to put up with a fun sponge, grab the dog and get out of there. I can't see that she's going to change, it's too ingrained in her now 🌹

So reply with

1. “no I’m not sensitive but your negative attitude is having an effect on my behaviour”
2. “no need to sugar coat anything but you don’t have to dip it in shit either”
3. “say anything you want but try not to be inconsiderate, there are two people living here”

DW needs to be called out and her defensive reply then challenged or it won’t change.

I grew up with a mother like this. My god it’s draining and sucks any joy out of living. I would never ever times 1 million stay in a relationship like this. Life honestly is to short to live the everyday in negativity.

So, my daughter (19) is like this - totally unable to frame a question positively, will sit in a film and tedtalk why it’s not as good as the preceding 3 in the franchise, and that they were ‘shit’ too, blah blah. She has autism (aspergers) and ADHD and part of this is ODD, so whatever we say she has a [negative] counter to it. We know this, we try to make allowances, but doing anything with her is so mind-blowing draining that you really do want to shoot yourself with ten mins. I love her, but I hate being with her at times.

I am NOT saying your DW is on the spectrum (a MN default perspective, I’ve noticed) BUT I do wonder whether she is struggling with working from home, whether the changes in her work role related to now WFH mean she is unhappy, whether may have some level of depression or perhaps you might both benefit from relationship counselling where an independent person could help with your joint communication style? I think she needs to understand that her communication style is hurting you, that you are unhappy as a result and that this needs to be explored/addressed.

Could you go with statements abut how it makes you feel

'I like them, and your making me feel bad about liking them'

Your making me feel sad

That comment maks me feel like your putting me down

Telling you your reaction is the problem rather than admitting her bad behaviour is the problem is a red flag for domestic abuse. In a normal healthy relationship, you should be make to have open and honest discourse.

I'm not necessarily saying you are experiencing domestic abuse because we don't have enough information to go on.

Maybe have a read up on the wowen's aid website. (Domestic abuse charity) to find out more.