Jealously about lifestyle

[heyho2023]

I know this is ridiculous, however, I can’t help but feel jealous of others lifestyle.
I live in a nice town in a modest but nice 3 bed semi. I have a middle management job as does my husband. We drive old cars and don’t do fancy holidays.
Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars. I know it’s not my business but I just don’t understand how they can afford it.

We do have some spare money which is nice but I am desperate to keep up with the Jones and have a nicer house……
We have our health and Im grateful for that but I’m finding the jealousy overwhelming at times!

Obviously your feelings are valid, because that's what you're feeling.

Does your self-esteem and happiness really rest on these sorts of comparisons? What if these people didn't exist, or you were the winner in the who-has-most-stuff contest? Would it really make a difference? What are you missing in an absolute sense?

It sounds like you are in a position a lot of people would be jealous of.

Who knows how they afford it? Maybe they don't and are in a heap of debt? Family help? Inheritances?

Try to be content with what you have. Money really doesn't buy happiness and, in my experience, one day something tragic happens to someone you know who looks like they have it all and you realise how unimportant all that stuff is.

I read that you should only compare down not up, and that really has helped me to see how lucky I really am.

As they say comparison is the thief of joy.
I'd rather have my health than money.
Looking at the Royal Family money cannot buy you good health.

@CranfordScones Nothing.
I have a lovely husband and two wonderful kids, good work life balance on the whole. Lots of time with them in the school week and holidays etc.
I know some friends who have totally outstretched their finances to do a big house move so I know I am lucky to live in a house we can afford.
I just thought I’d be further along the property ladder by now! The cars don’t bother me at all tbh. I know it’s just a house and that’s why I can’t understand feeling this way as my life is really rich in other way.

would these people earn similar incomes? I hear of friends getting a loan to go on holidays and stuff and we would never do that. Same with the car - we always buy outright so never new. Sometimes people have a lot of debt. It’s very hard to know the ins and outs of people’s finances.

I’m doing a gratitude journal with my DD who has started to become jealous of what others have. It’s a good way to see what you have more positively.

On paper I’ve got a great life: large mortgage free house, lots of holidays, horses, nice clothes etc. Paid for with widows pensions earned through 13 years of a hellish marriage and the guilt of being so darned relieved he died before I left penniless. You don’t know how people have what they have, and you don’t know it makes life happier. Focus on what you have, comparing yourself to other people is fruitless as you will never know the whole story.

I do have the large house but we drive older cars. My ageing Mazda is cheap to run and very reliable. I could afford to buy a brand new car whenever I wanted but why waste money on a depreciating asset? In my job, I have seen many very affluent lifestyles with very nice cars and houses bankrolled by huge loans which are usually dependent on the earning spouse keeping working at full pace with no savings if he falls ill or has an accident. True wealth is more often very low key.

Thanks for all the replies!
I am going to think about things with new lenses on!
I am very grateful for my family and the time I spend with them.
Working more to make this house move possible down the line would mean less time with my husband and children. It’s not worth it!
I am sure there are lots of people who would want to be in my shoes.

I have a five bedroom house with land, new cars and don't stress about bills. I can go on holiday. Several years ago my teen became sudden ill and died a few months later. Want to swap?

@officeparty I am so sorry for your devastating loss. My sincere condolences!

I appreciate you posting your stark reality.

One reason it's easier for us is my child had a little life insurance. I've had someone comment on a trip we did, like we must be loaded. We did that trip with the life insurance funds because we wanted to do that for our children who were struggling and needed to get away. I'd give them the trip if they gave me back my child. Nothing is worth that and the cost of it.

I am so sorry @officeparty. My teenage son was diagnosed with cancer but he was one of the lucky ones. At the time possessions meant nothing to me.

I'm sorry you went through that but glad your son came out the other side. I totally understand how trivial so many things appear when faced with something like that.

@heyho2023 I'm with @officeparty on this one having buried a baby son.

Take off your green specs. Some people will have more than you, others less. Be content in your home rather than hankering after a big house.

We have it all and I'd give it all away if our son could have been well enough to grow up.

Jealousy is a horrid sentiment. Sort yourself out.

You say the cars don’t bother you, but you mentioned them in your OP. Is it that you think you should want flashier cars? I notice that you say ‘property ladder’. — that’s just an invention to make us think we should keep ‘upgrading’. If your house suits your needs, why think you’re supposed to want more?

For instance, we have quite a lot of money, and while our house is big, it’s ramshackle and only half-renovated, also I don’t drive, so I cycle everywhere.

You are the most important person.
Is it envy? Envy means discontented longing for someone else's advantages. Why are you discontented?

@CranfordScones Im not sure, it would be nice to have a car that doesn’t stop working but on the whole they work, but we have two working cars atm so that’s good.
The house suits our needs for now, will probably outgrow it but my boys are still only young 4 and 6.
I suppose the property thing is true. I am 40 and just assumed rather stupidly that I would be in a “bigger and better” house.

You have a house. You're already ahead of many.

@Sarahzb yes I agree it’s envy.
I really don’t know. It’s not really like me, but perhaps everyone big houses and private schools their kids are going to kinda got to me.
I want to provide my children with that “advantage” but I can’t and won’t ever be able to afford that.
So yes, i suppose I am envious. I am also so aware it’s silly and I should be content with what I have.

This 'property ladder' concept is a pile of shite anyway. Nobody HAS to have bigger and better. The powers that be just want you to buy into all that to keep you slogging your guts out. To keep you working and spending your hard earned cash with a financial institution.
Fast forward 10 years and you are in the bigger and better house. But all you do is work and never have any time to relax or money to enjoy. What sort of life is that? Stay as you are and enjoy yourself, life is hard enough as it is without making things worse for yourself.

I've scrolled back to your first post. You have a three bed semi and children of 4 and 6. You also say you and yiur DH are middle managers. That stacks doesn't it?

Perhaps it isn't the house that bothers you but the fact that your friends" careers have overtaken yours and your DH's. You may be in an adjustment phase where some people move out of your lives and others move in.

You also say that you have lots of time with the DC. If you want more material stuff then do you have to compromise family time for commitment to work?

Inner peace is priceless. Try and work on a way to achieve this.

I'm in a 1 bed flat, with a small space for a study and da ecent outside area. I'd love even a 2 bed flat, or a small terraced house. However, I would need another $300,000 on my mortgage to get even another bedroom, or $800,000 more for a house. Its not going to happen. However, I live in the middle of a brilliant vibrant city with excellent weather. I'm surrounded by opportunity. Location is everything. It suits me and is 'big enough.' I've learned to embrace the good and accepted it.

I just posted on the "modest homes" thread.

I am mortgage free on a 3 bed terrace at 50. Friends who chased the big house are saddled with huge mortgages on houses they no longer need as the kids have left and they cant sell due to the crap market and COL.

In the past I envied them, but now they envy me! I live an affordable lifestyle in a house that is paid for. When I was made redundant due to Covid I initially looked for another job in the same sector at the same level until I realised that I didnt need to. My sister did the same. We could step back from management bullshit and stress and just bring in enough to pay the bills and have the odd treat. They are still working mad jobs with mad hours just to pay their massive mortgages.

You will be mortgage free a lot sooner than they will, you wont have to deal with the cost and stress of downsizing and the house will be your security. Believe me, that day is AMAZING!!

Jealousy is a wasted emotion. If you want to change your lifestyle you need to actively change it, move house changr or adapt your career and earn more money, or spend less, whatever it takes only you can do it.

If you value your life as it is more than the things you are jealous of then accept that and lose the jealousy.