Jealously about lifestyle

[heyho2023]

I know this is ridiculous, however, I can’t help but feel jealous of others lifestyle.
I live in a nice town in a modest but nice 3 bed semi. I have a middle management job as does my husband. We drive old cars and don’t do fancy holidays.
Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars. I know it’s not my business but I just don’t understand how they can afford it.

We do have some spare money which is nice but I am desperate to keep up with the Jones and have a nicer house……
We have our health and Im grateful for that but I’m finding the jealousy overwhelming at times!

I remember I moved into a new house once and my neighbour had a really fancy sports car. My ex used to look longingly at the car. He was so envious of the neighbour’s car and presumed lifestyle. Then I got chatting to Mrs Neighbour. It turns out it was Mr Neighbour’s dream car, he’d saved years for it, they'd missed out on holidays, sacrificed home improvements, really cut down all their expenses just so he could have this car. The insurance was phenomenal so he had to park it in the garage all the time, just to make it affordable. So they had no garage space for other stuff. Even then they weren’t sure they could continue to afford it.

Basically this fancy car wasn’t a snapshot of their lives, representing a luxurious existence. The fancy car WAS their lives! The truth was different from the appearance.

I find it hard to not be jealous. All my friends, all of Ds1's football team parents, all of Ds2's football team parents, all have a much bigger house than ours, multiple foreign holidays.

I think we are sold an ideology from childhood that if we do well at school and work hard we can achieve what we desire.

That's not how life works though, there are a whole lot more variables in play, many of which are outside of our control.

It's hard to accept that so much is outside of our control so we pretend to ourselves that most things ARE in our control. And then when we do not achieve what we want to we are often hard on ourselves for not being enough.

It's also the case that standards of living are in many ways much lower than for our parents generation. When I was young a full time teacher in the village could expect to own a nice 3 or 4 bedroom detached house with a non working parent. Nowadays, two full time teachers could not afford the same house.

I thought that I would be mortgage free in my house by now. Unfortunately, a few years ago, my then husband (of 27 years at that point) decided to move out and live with another woman and we divorced and our house sold, with three months left on the mortgage...
Now , although I'm remarried, and happy, we live in privately rented accommodation. I've had to come to the realisation that I'm never going to be a homeowner now...too old (60 this year) to reasonably get a mortgage and start again.
Be happy with what you have. You never know what circumstances will throw at you.

That’s very weird and unusual though.

Thanks so much for everyone’s responses.
I have had a word with myself. 100 percent starting a gratitude journal. I discussed with my husband who was shocked I felt so jealous.

I am so grateful to have my health and my family’s health and that really is the most important thing. Thanks to all those who took the time to explain some of the things you have been through.

I was actually just reflecting on this sort of thing with a friend.

When my sister was 21, my parents "bought" her a lovely house in a lovely part of London, as an investment that she could live in for free and they could stay in when they went to the theatre.

At the time she was flat-sharing with a group of friends in a nice flat in Camden, but as my parent's house was in another borough she quickly lost touch with them. On paper she was extremely privileged, but in reality she became so lonely she developed an eating disorder for years until she met her now DH.

Meanwhile her less well-off friends became firm friends and are still close today.