Jealously about lifestyle

[heyho2023]

I know this is ridiculous, however, I can’t help but feel jealous of others lifestyle.
I live in a nice town in a modest but nice 3 bed semi. I have a middle management job as does my husband. We drive old cars and don’t do fancy holidays.
Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars. I know it’s not my business but I just don’t understand how they can afford it.

We do have some spare money which is nice but I am desperate to keep up with the Jones and have a nicer house……
We have our health and Im grateful for that but I’m finding the jealousy overwhelming at times!

Seriously health is everything.

Concentrate on what you have.
There will always be someone richer than you, don’t let that fact take away from what you have to be grateful about.

I am very fortunate to own my London house outright. It's lovely, good neighbours and what MN would label a 'naice' area. But. But. I'd truly love to live closer in to central London, five minute walk to cafés, shops and transport. I'd only need another couple million to afford it...! I do wonder what some people do to be able to afford their homes (banking or IT, normally). Could I ever have done that career to be in the same financial position? I might then have a bigger home, but I'd have a miserable life as that's not where my interests lie.
You have what most people want. Yes we all want more, even those who seem to already have everything. We can always strive to improve things, but there is a point when one has to accept they are where they are, and be grateful for that.

No I didn’t , you just don’t like my answers so are lashing out.

and my personal circumstances are none of your business. I will say though I think the reason I do not judge is because I grew up in abject poverty in a council flat. We were homeless at one point.

now yes I live in a relatively large house, but I have not always as an adult. My two closest friends, one lives in a 6 bed large detached. Another in a two bed park home. My family still live in the council flat.

so no, I won’t accept judging others, being envious, saying it’s debt is ok. And I won’t accept your comment that it’s human nature to judge status in the way you think. I don’t do it. My friends and family don’t do it. So no it’s not human nature. It’s your nature, and yes some others too. But saying it’s not ok to flippantly say oh it’s debt, is absolutely what I stand by.

some earn less. Some earn more, some have debt, some don’t. As humans we are individual. Not sitting assessing everyone else for status

Family money to get on property ladder early before prices went insane. That’s how.

me and my DH are very high earners and given we have two preschoolers we can’t afford a big house (in Greater London) if it makes you feel better! We do have nice holidays because NOT having them even
for 10 years isn’t going to magic up another £500K.
So you aren’t doing anything wrong.

however jealousy — although perfectly natural feeling— is damaging unless you can channel it into something productive, like higher earnings for yourself etc. So I would recommend you work through this feeling to let go.
(and if you manage to get higher earnings I still recommend spending them on travel rather than bigger house but that’s just me)

Actually we are primates, and primates have social hierarchy so it is absolutely natural for humans to be status conscious and yes, assess everyone for status. Some can rise above it (good for you! Although you are ALSO showing off by saying you aren’t paying attention to status which is another form of asserting status in a group) but it IS certainly human nature.

@heyho2023 I struggled with the green eyed monster most of my life, its a part of me I don't like. The things I felt envious of, or the people, would change over time but it was something that was always there. Things started to go very well for me recently, the past few years, and I became constantly guilty. Instead of enjoying the good times I'd feel guilty about a friend who wasn't as lucky in relation to that particular thing. It was like the same issue in reverse. I've come to realise the issue was always with myself. When I feel those negative feelings come in i try to shut them out, or I try to balance it, ask myself would I swap my life with my friends if it meant i have to take their problems too. I'm mid 40s and I feel everyone around me has had their share of swings and roundabouts by now.

If it helps OP, I’ve got comfort money wise but zero worklife balance. It makes me so miserable, feel guilty about family life and friendships and my extra money gets spent on making life easier rather than enjoyable. You sound like you’ve got a life that’s enviable for many actually!

I was out earlier and saw a tent hidden away in the hedges of a small park

Somebody is sleeping in that tent

Think about what you have, not what you don't have

What I would say is that you will never know someone’s financial position, despite seeing cars on the drive and big houses you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Some will be in debt up to their eyeballs and some will be sitting pretty and both probably stretch the truth depending on who they’re talking to. I certainly do. We massively play down our financial situation, because I don’t want to come across as a smug asshole to my friends. So all the people saying ‘oh but mr and Mrs Jones are probably mortgaged to the hilt and the cars are on finance’ they might all be paid for but they BS in order to still be relatable to their social circle.

one of the most effective treatments for jealousy I've come across (because we all feel jealous now and then) is whenever you feel that bitterness, firmly wish or pray for even more success for the object of jealousy. so if you find yourself thinking why does x have such a nice house, immediately push your thoughts to "I hope she has an even nicer house in the future. hope she is happy. etc. etc."

either way we all have our troubles. money doesn't prevent unhappiness.

I'm not lashing out, I'm criticising you for judging the op without making any positive suggestions., just being smug and implying you're a better person. And I'm not interested in your personal circumstances, I'm saying that it is easy to criticise someone for being jealous when you're in a fortunate position yourself. Not sure what your friends' finances have got to do with anything either.

I agree.

It makes me really sad that my happiness could be something others would bitch about and speculate over.

especially from those who know just how hard my life has been in the past.

I was so badly isolated by my ex, so immeasurably hurt and let down by my family and for me to have found happiness and contentment surely is karma, not something to envy.

I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be delighted for them.

Perhaps you need to do a big declutter and then your house will feel big enough? I know when we moved into our house with not very much it was huge, and now it feels tiny after collecting stuff for 20 years.

I have the house, cars, holidays, second homes etc. I also had ovarian cancer and realised that the only thing you can take with you to the grave and enjoy every day before death is love. The love you feel and the love you receive. Money made me survive my cancer by having all treatments privately and make my life ‘easy’, but possessions are really not what you will think about when you do not know if you’ll live or die. I know it’s not an easy concept to grasp unless you have lived it, but I thought I’d write it down here.

OP jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. Don’t feel bad for being honest about it. I’ve felt the same at times, it is normal.

OP I’m in my 50s and I’ve struggled with envy over the years, and like a previous poster it’s a characteristic I really don’t like about myself. All my friends who are my age and in the same profession as me have big houses, second homes, fancy cars, privately educated kids, lots of foreign holidays . While I live in a 3-bed semi with a mortgage, old car, fewer holidays etc.

I basically rented for too long, so was early 30s before I got on the property ladder, hence still having a mortgage now. And I only lived with a partner for a couple of years, the rest of the time I’ve been single and financially responsible for everything.

Although I came from a poor background, I’m a doctor, and I can’t help feeling I should have more wealth than I do! But my life choices have put me where I am.

But what time has shown me is that no one is immune from suffering. And whilst friends may have more money than me, they’ve had plenty of horrors to deal with that I haven’t, such as divorces, affairs, serious illness, and dreadful tragedies such as child cancer and death.

I know it’s a cliche, but I really do count my blessings. And I have many, as do you OP, if your family is healthy and happy.

Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars

Maybe you should mix with less fortunate people so you can get some perspective.
For many, your life is an absolute dream.

Try think of it this way “so much washing up to do! - At least you could afford to eat today, So much laundry to wash - At least you have clothes on your back, the house needs cleaning - At least you have a roof over your head” it’s just small little things like that, that really make you feel so lucky. A lot of people cannot afford to do even the very basic of life tasks. Be grateful for everything. ❤️

You have a lovely life, OP, and you are causing problems for yourself by envying what other people have. If you don't change your mindset, then no matter how much stuff you acquire, you will never be happy, because someone else always has more. Do you have everything you need? Everything you want? Can you only get more of what you already have? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then you are blessed. If you genuinely need more, then set a target for getting it and be happy when you have it, without looking at others. If you want something that you think would make you happy, then ditto. You are corroding your own happiness with jealousy. Utter madness.

Or happiness.

I sometimes feel envious of others but my DH often points out that what we see isn’t always the full story like many have pointed out on the thread. Some could be overstretching their finances, be in debt, they have have had a large inheritance or a payout on insurance because of a critical illness or bereavement.
I’ve learnt to be less envious and enjoy what we have. We have a nice house - not huge but big enough for us all. We don’t have any debt other than our mortgage and we have jobs and our health

Much of it is down to inheritance or family money being passed down.

I earn a huge salary yet on the face of it have a more modest life than a number of friends who earn around 30k. This is because they have all inherited property, sometimes multiple properties, from often distant relatives. In one case a friend of mine had never even met the relative who left them a £1m inheritance. I would have to earn an additional £2m pre-tax to purchase the same asset.

Quite often people like to give the impression their lifestyle
is funded through their own endeavours but experience tells me that often isn’t the case.

House prices are rapidly becoming more linked to inheritance than earnings.

But what time has shown me is that no one is immune from suffering. And whilst friends may have more money than me, they’ve had plenty of horrors to deal with that I haven’t, such as divorces, affairs, serious illness, and dreadful tragedies such as child cancer and death

Aint that the truth. Would I currently swap places with the princess of Wales for example?- she has far more money than I could ever dream of, but she has cancer at age 42 with 3 young kids. No, I absolutely would not.

Yes, she can get private treatment if she wishes but the worry of having cancer at such a relatively young age wont be magically removed by a hefty bank account. Thats something that will always be at the back of her mind even if her treatment is successful. No amount of designer clothes, fancy jewellery or brand new cars is going to help that.

I'm grateful for the life I have, modest house, second hand car.

I'm not jealous of my friends lives, but I do wander how they afford huge mortgages, holidays and brand new cars. Some it's obvious family are bankrolling them, others are using credit. A few are a genuine mystery where I'm left wandering if it's drugs/ only fans etc.

Someone I know works 2 days a week in beauty (not aesthetics) and went to centre parks one school holiday then all inclusive abroad another, has a 4 bedroom house and car. Me and DH both work FT in professonal jobs and couldnt afford that. How?! Another family who flew first class to new your for a fortnight - again on modest paid jobs. Even if I had the money I could bring myself to blow that much on one go.