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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Jealously about lifestyle

107 replies

heyho2023 · 30/03/2024 23:23

I know this is ridiculous, however, I can’t help but feel jealous of others lifestyle.
I live in a nice town in a modest but nice 3 bed semi. I have a middle management job as does my husband. We drive old cars and don’t do fancy holidays.
Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars. I know it’s not my business but I just don’t understand how they can afford it.

We do have some spare money which is nice but I am desperate to keep up with the Jones and have a nicer house……
We have our health and Im grateful for that but I’m finding the jealousy overwhelming at times!

OP posts:
PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 09:47

What is stopping you both from moving into senior management?

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 31/03/2024 09:48

officeparty · 30/03/2024 23:52

I have a five bedroom house with land, new cars and don't stress about bills. I can go on holiday. Several years ago my teen became sudden ill and died a few months later. Want to swap?

So sorry for the loss of your teenager, that's awful

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/03/2024 09:50

JJathome · 31/03/2024 09:38

This is just such a resentful little post. It really is. People get in debt for all sorts of things, and live in all different sizes of houses. Assuming as someone has a bigger house, cars etc that it’s all debt is silly, as you need to have the base income to be able to even get the debt, they don’t just throw you a huge mortgage. Sure some will be in debt, but so will some in small houses, some in rented and some living with family.

Not at all. I am content with what l have and my lifestyle, lve come a long way since the council estate.

I said if she is wondering how they can afford it, they probably have debt.

I never said all people who live like that have debt.

Vod · 31/03/2024 09:51

JJathome · 31/03/2024 09:44

Or they simply earn more than the op and her husband. Peoples finances are their own business.

So as I said, they simply have more money...

isthewashingdryyet · 31/03/2024 09:54

Look up Gratitude journal, really changes your mindset.

we also use the idea that everything we have cost us so many hours at work. That new house still worth it ??

and just think how early you will be able to retire as you are not servicing a huge mortgage and paying massive electric bills.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/03/2024 09:56

Life is about making choices.

And then being happy with the choices you make.

You say yourself that you could afford a bigger house if you work more and spend less time as with the children.

So you make a choice.
Bigger house or
More time with the children.

And then be happy with that choice.

JJathome · 31/03/2024 09:57

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/03/2024 09:50

Not at all. I am content with what l have and my lifestyle, lve come a long way since the council estate.

I said if she is wondering how they can afford it, they probably have debt.

I never said all people who live like that have debt.

That makes no sense, the fact she doesn’t know their finances doesn’t mean they are likely in debt. And you need to have the core income to be able to get debt in the first place,

80skid · 31/03/2024 09:59

I have a friend like this. She won't admit it openly, but anything someone else buys, like a big holiday, new car, new house or extension, the first thing she does is justify why she isn't also able to do that and try to figure out how or why they can. It's exhausting and means that friends tend not to share their reality with her for fear of judgement or adding to her paranoia.
I hope that you can find your own peace and take a pride in the comfortable, happy family home which you and your husband have worked hard to provide your children with.

Last point, have a think what your kids will remember from their childhood. I bet they mention having mum around lots during holidays and having fun and not the fact that they were disappointed they didn't have a spare bedroom

Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 31/03/2024 10:03

There money has probably either come in the form of relatives who have sadly died or debt. I wouldn’t want either of them.

I’m ‘lucky’ that my Dad has recently given my sister and I 20k which he wanted us to put towards mortgages but the money came from my Mum’s account. I would rather my Mum was still alive than I could pay £20k off my mortgage.

My tip would be to start watching TV programmes like Clean it, fix it as they show what many people’s houses are like rather than watching aspirational house programmes.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 31/03/2024 10:05

OP you've been getting a lot of invalidating replies, but the truth is that human nature leads us to constantly notice status and compare ourselves to our peers. 'Relative deprivation' is very much a thing. Ie not about how much you actually have but the comparison with your friends. So it's a shame for you that you happen to be surrounded by people who have more. Be gentle with yourself as you're not choosing to have these feelings. PP have suggested good strategies eg gratitude journaling, challenging your thoughts (eg they might have debt) looking for other things in their lives that are not as lucky etc. But it starts with non- judgementally accepting your feelings, so I'm sorry you've had judgement here.

JJathome · 31/03/2024 10:06

Newnamesameoldlurker · 31/03/2024 10:05

OP you've been getting a lot of invalidating replies, but the truth is that human nature leads us to constantly notice status and compare ourselves to our peers. 'Relative deprivation' is very much a thing. Ie not about how much you actually have but the comparison with your friends. So it's a shame for you that you happen to be surrounded by people who have more. Be gentle with yourself as you're not choosing to have these feelings. PP have suggested good strategies eg gratitude journaling, challenging your thoughts (eg they might have debt) looking for other things in their lives that are not as lucky etc. But it starts with non- judgementally accepting your feelings, so I'm sorry you've had judgement here.

That’s really not human nature. It maybe your nature, but it’s not the nature of many many people.

AhBiscuits · 31/03/2024 10:07

I'm jealous of my brother and sister in law. They are incredibly wealthy and own their own businesses. They are taking the summer off with their children and travelling for a couple of months. We'll just never be able to do anything like that.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 31/03/2024 10:08

MenoBabe · 30/03/2024 23:37

I read that you should only compare down not up, and that really has helped me to see how lucky I really am.

Was going to say this.
You're doing ok Op, you have no idea how other people fund their lifestyles

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/03/2024 10:11

Newnamesameoldlurker · 31/03/2024 10:05

OP you've been getting a lot of invalidating replies, but the truth is that human nature leads us to constantly notice status and compare ourselves to our peers. 'Relative deprivation' is very much a thing. Ie not about how much you actually have but the comparison with your friends. So it's a shame for you that you happen to be surrounded by people who have more. Be gentle with yourself as you're not choosing to have these feelings. PP have suggested good strategies eg gratitude journaling, challenging your thoughts (eg they might have debt) looking for other things in their lives that are not as lucky etc. But it starts with non- judgementally accepting your feelings, so I'm sorry you've had judgement here.

I think social media is to blame for this as well.

The lifestyle accounts that have the most followers are people that have the biggest houses, the flash holidays etc.

OP, don't wish your life away worrying about what other people have, no good can come of it. Like l said, the grass isn't greener.

neverbeenskiing · 31/03/2024 10:12

Jealousy is a normal, natural human emotion. Everyone experiences it from time to time, whether they admit to it or not. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you're not grateful for what you have the majority of the time. Beating yourself up for having a feeling doesn't get you anywhere, and it doesn't make the feeling go away. But if the feeling is uncomfortable or interfering with your day to day life you should probably try to address it.

Trains of thought around "how can they afford that and we can't?" are unlikely to be helpful. For one thing, you'll never really know. Even if you were rude enough to ask (not a good idea!) you might not get the truth. They could simply earn more than you, they could be buying everything on credit and have no savings, they could have accepted gifts from family. But what does it matter? Knowing wouldn't change your situation anyway. So dwelling on this is just feeding those uncomfortable feelings.

I think that you have two options. You can practice gratitude, focus on what you do have and remind yourself that there are good reasons for all the choices you've made, even if those choices haven't necessarily translated to an increase material wealth. Or you can actively try to change the situation, work more hours, go for promotions, relocate for better opportunities, sacrifice some time with family in the short term for hopefully for money in the long term. But none of those things are easy and you may not truly want that life, and just imagining it may help you to feel more contented with the balance you have now.

Have you seen the TV show Industry, OP? I found it really interesting in terms of it's examination of the psychology of people who are motivated by money and the pressure they put on themselves, the sacrifices they make and the impact on their personal lives and relationships. One of the characters talks about how life can become an endless cycle of "you covet something, get that thing, covet something else" and where does it end? Food for thought.

Springingintolife · 31/03/2024 10:23

Your sons have an own room each and will be able to depend on you whilst they save for their own places and cars, when they're older, and still have their own personal space. That's all any child can need as they get older really, in our current economic climate. Try and look at places where you have stability and life-long security and focus on how good that feels.

I get that it's easy to have these feelings of jealousy though, as it's rubbed in our faces at every moment that we need these things 'to be happy'. I've got a two bed semi, council life time tenancy, and am constantly being told I'm not doing enough for myself because I don't own a property or have a high flying career. But the most important thing is that me and my daughter both have our own personal spaces and I have security for life, and hopefully she will be able to save for her own deposit from here, as she gets older. Sometimes, the thing we actually need to do for ourselves, isn't to work more hours, but to work on drowning out those noises or images of what a happy life is.

Springingintolife · 31/03/2024 10:26

The other thing is that you mention wanting to have been further up the ladder at your age- but what's at the top of a ladder? Nothing, you'll just fall off. It's a bit of a mirage.

WandaWonder · 31/03/2024 10:33

neverbeenskiing · 31/03/2024 10:12

Jealousy is a normal, natural human emotion. Everyone experiences it from time to time, whether they admit to it or not. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you're not grateful for what you have the majority of the time. Beating yourself up for having a feeling doesn't get you anywhere, and it doesn't make the feeling go away. But if the feeling is uncomfortable or interfering with your day to day life you should probably try to address it.

Trains of thought around "how can they afford that and we can't?" are unlikely to be helpful. For one thing, you'll never really know. Even if you were rude enough to ask (not a good idea!) you might not get the truth. They could simply earn more than you, they could be buying everything on credit and have no savings, they could have accepted gifts from family. But what does it matter? Knowing wouldn't change your situation anyway. So dwelling on this is just feeding those uncomfortable feelings.

I think that you have two options. You can practice gratitude, focus on what you do have and remind yourself that there are good reasons for all the choices you've made, even if those choices haven't necessarily translated to an increase material wealth. Or you can actively try to change the situation, work more hours, go for promotions, relocate for better opportunities, sacrifice some time with family in the short term for hopefully for money in the long term. But none of those things are easy and you may not truly want that life, and just imagining it may help you to feel more contented with the balance you have now.

Have you seen the TV show Industry, OP? I found it really interesting in terms of it's examination of the psychology of people who are motivated by money and the pressure they put on themselves, the sacrifices they make and the impact on their personal lives and relationships. One of the characters talks about how life can become an endless cycle of "you covet something, get that thing, covet something else" and where does it end? Food for thought.

No not everyone feels jealous, I can honestly say I have never ever felt it

I know it is one of those thing people just say because they think it helps but not everyone is jealous

Reallybadidea · 31/03/2024 10:36

JJathome · 31/03/2024 10:06

That’s really not human nature. It maybe your nature, but it’s not the nature of many many people.

At least the pp was sympathetic to the op and made some positive suggestions. You've just judged and criticised, which isn't a particularly nice facet of human nature either.

You've also told us nothing about your own situation - easy to criticise others for being jealous if your own life is more privileged.

godgreengrass99 · 31/03/2024 10:40

heyho2023 · 30/03/2024 23:23

I know this is ridiculous, however, I can’t help but feel jealous of others lifestyle.
I live in a nice town in a modest but nice 3 bed semi. I have a middle management job as does my husband. We drive old cars and don’t do fancy holidays.
Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars. I know it’s not my business but I just don’t understand how they can afford it.

We do have some spare money which is nice but I am desperate to keep up with the Jones and have a nicer house……
We have our health and Im grateful for that but I’m finding the jealousy overwhelming at times!

My dad died this week. Those things aren't important in grand scheme of things. Appreciate what you have now. Life is precious.

neverbeenskiing · 31/03/2024 10:43

WandaWonder · 31/03/2024 10:33

No not everyone feels jealous, I can honestly say I have never ever felt it

I know it is one of those thing people just say because they think it helps but not everyone is jealous

I didn't say everyone is jealous. Like every other emotion it's something people experience in moments. I simply don't believe that anyone who says they have never, ever experienced so much as a fleeting feeling of jealousy even for a moment is being truly honest with themselves.

Gymmum82 · 31/03/2024 10:49

I used to feel envious of other peoples new cars and big houses until my best friend was diagnosed with incurable cancer aged 32.
Now I’m grateful for every day I have with her, I’d give up my house and all my possessions if it meant she got to live. Be grateful for what you have, your children, a home, food, a job, your health. It can be taken away in a second

Princessfluffy · 31/03/2024 10:51

Life is fundamentally unfair plus we live in a capitalist society that can only really function on high levels of discontent and materialistic values.

It's difficult to step outside of this hence the pressure felt to keep up with the Joneses.

Search for other routes to happiness OP.

godgreengrass99 · 31/03/2024 10:56

Gymmum82 · 31/03/2024 10:49

I used to feel envious of other peoples new cars and big houses until my best friend was diagnosed with incurable cancer aged 32.
Now I’m grateful for every day I have with her, I’d give up my house and all my possessions if it meant she got to live. Be grateful for what you have, your children, a home, food, a job, your health. It can be taken away in a second

Exactly

Princessfluffy · 31/03/2024 10:59

With respect to good health, it is arguably the greatest gift of all and we generally appreciate it until we don't have it.

It's also true though that it's better to be a wealthy person with health issues than a poor person with the same issues. Not to mention that overall wealthy people enjoy much better health than the poor.