Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

This selfish man is NOT in any way your responsibility. You need to break yourself free of this ridiculous controlling relationship.

OMG get out while you can!!

Anyone who makes you inhale second hand smoke (and that's just for starters!) is for the bin!

I don’t mean to be rude OP but you sound like a total martyr.

You are cutting yourself off from friends and family for his sake, to the detriment of your long term well being.

It’s fairly obvious you are giving far more than you can afford of yourself - which is why you feel you can’t cope. I just can’t fully understand why you are continuing to give this much. Is it fear of upsetting him? Or do you need to always fix everyone around you?

You will be an absolute wreck by the end of this if you change nothing, with no friends and your MH shattered and maybe no job either as you’re unlikely to cope with it.

And I don’t think he’s as nice as you think. I think he’s controlling. Nice partners don’t slag off your work or friends or mum, and no way would they accept your phone being on to them the whole time - he should be insisting it’s not ok for you to keep doing that.

This is still a form of isolation and it's a common emotional abuse tactic.

Please listen to all the people saying he is abusive and controlling. Emotional abuse and coercive control can be the hardest to spot when you are in it.

Perhaps I'm missing the point here, but it strikes me that the person who really needs you is your son?

As for DP ‐I think he is really taking advantage of your good nature. Like massively taking advantage. I am very conscious of when I ask someone to do something for me, in their time, using their resources, whether it be petrol money, time, figuring something out, making any kind of effort or sacrifice on their part for my benefit, that this is in no way something to which I am in any way entitled. It sounds as if your partner feels entitled to your time, presence, resources, loyalty and respect.

Yabvu for allowing yourself to be at his beck and call and basically martyr yourself to him and his illness.

Do you have a saviour complex in relationships? It's a serious question as the level of sacrifice you're making to manage him and his condition is insane.

If he's too proud to get more official help (if its that serious like you say) then that's not your problem to fix. Yet you let him dictate how you work and spend your time and have given up seeing friends and family. It's madness

The hoarding and filthy house would be enough to put me off but the main problem here is you’re no longer his partner,you’re his carer. He doesn’t sound grateful for it either. If I were you I’d cut your losses and move on. Because of him you’re not having a decent relationship with your children,family or friends which is ridiculous. He’s also interfering with your work and considering you don’t even live with him it’s just crazy. You need to look at the situation realistically and hopefully make the right decision

Crumbs. He's taken over your life. What are you going to do?

Let’s forget about his illness for a minute. Let’s imagine your friend told you that her partner:

Insisted she stay on the phone to him all day every day.

Refused to allow her to see friends or family or do the parts of her job which involve other people and that she was only allowed out with him.

Smoked and lived in filth.
That is coercive control. Having an illness doesn’t make that any less the case.

“He feels my job” is quite telling OP. How do you feel?

This man has too much control over your life. The level of disrespect is staggering too. He knows you don’t smoke and chain smokes in front of you. That would be enough for me to end the relationship to be honest, I’d be vomiting. I think if you ended things your life would be immeasurably different and suspect a lot of your family and friends would be relieved.

So he doesn’t sleep, ever?

You are very articulate about the things in his life and lifestyle you find hard, and I get the feeling that you have told him what they are and that he has dismissed them as trivialities, which clearly they are not. I think you give him one more chance to put together a plan to change the things you hate, the hoarding, the dirt, the smoking, the expectation that he can control aspects of your life. Tell him to draw up a plan and implement it because at the moment it is not an equal partnership.

this does not make sense. Are you sure he is actually ill OP?

OP sorry to be blunt but you really need to listen to these people on this thread - there is some excellent advice here.

I said before call the GP/ medical team and say he needs help - also call adult social care.

Get a alarm round his neck and a watch that monitors seizure activity, and for god sake give you, the people at work and your son privacy and stop these ridiculous 16 hour phone calls. If you visit schools I dread to think how much confidential information he has heard!

It is total bollocks (if you live in the UK) that the GP phones every day!

He can keep his own diary - if he can bath, keep clean, smoke and drink - he can write a diary.

Go back to visiting schools - he lives in a filthy mess the germs there will be as much as there are at the cinema or in a school.

Prioritise you, please prioritise your son and leave this man.

The @cakedup doesnt need to ring anyone or organise anything: it’s his issue, not hers

If this is a true picture of an extremely unusual medical condition, frankly you're self combusting trying to keep your " DP" warm
Imagine yourself at home alone surrounded by your own comforts and choices, with your phone switched off
How do you feel?
Act on that feeling

Get him an alarm clock.

If he's so ill he needs a carer that's on the state to provide, not you do it presumably for no cost and zero benefits.

This. Please see that behaviour for what it is, OP. You need a re-set.
The things that you are unhappy about, you need to fix. Only you can fix them by changing things. See your family and friends. Set up some boundaries. He’s very lucky he met you. you need to realise this and so does he. You don’t have to be available 24/7. The NHS exists for medical emergencies.

This is not good, OP, it might be if he was at all grateful but he isnt. I think he's punishing you for his illness. It all sounds extremely uncomfortable.

Yes we were, for about a year and a half before he started getting ill.

I just love him. And all the negatives I've mentioned put aside, he otherwise makes me feel very loved and cared for. He buys me flowers every week, cooks for me, always asks how I am, is there like a shot when I need him.

But I know its not healthy for our lives to be so entwined which also makes it harder to think about splitting up...there would be a massive hole in my life.

He does always thanks me for everything I do for him and tells me how much he appreciates it

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first op, before you can help him.

Decide what you can offer and be firm about those boundaries as everyone says.

We are in the UK and I admit it is odd but I hear him on the phone to the doctor every day, they are keeping a close eye on his condition.

He can't write a diary because his vision is affected by this condition. So we spend about 20 mins writing up all his symptoms etc.

Yes that's a good idea and if he doesn't change anything then it jist shows how little he cares after all.

I have of course voiced my concerns before but either it gets labelled as moaning or trivialises.