Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

Well considering we are on the phone all day, yes. I don't even go to the loo without him knowing about it.

Ah Now that is very interesting…. He doesn’t want to be treated like an invalid…by medical professionals who would see through a lot of his behaviour. He wants to be treated like an invalid by you, and you alone.
Can you see that? And he doesn’t want them to see how much he drinks and smokes….

There has been a very helpful response here from a GP who has confirmed that they do not phone patients daily.

Im so sad for you OP because I think you are gradually understanding how much he has used you, and you have isolated yourself for this man. Please get in touch with your family or friends…

OP, my DM had giant cell arteritis together with polymyalgia rheumatica.

Yes it's an awful disease, no my DM didn't get her biopsy either.

But not having the biopsy isn't the end of the world, the treatment is the same.

And at no point was anyone calling every day, actually the opposite she was just left to get on with it.

It's so unlikely your partner needs a phone call every day. Much more likely he is booking them due to his OCD or the GP is doing it to manage your partner's behaviour and stop him clogging up the surgery.

Being 'too unwell ' to go to an appointment is a classic method of control and manipulation.

Grim.

And I still think he's put a tracker on your car.

As in does he have a tracker on your phone.

So even if you were to cut the phone call and go about your day he’d still know where you were.

No tracker no. No need really, he doesn't leave me alone.

Silly question, but is he on BP meds and is he taking them?

Not as much as his chain smoking and heavy drinking!

I dont drive

Are you sure?
Get your phone and car checked.

I find it suspicious that he's off the phone when he wants (12 - 8am) but obsessively knows what you're doing while he's awake.

Men like this cover all bases.

He is taking one type, taking them most days but not always due to nausea/vomiting. He was put on another type alongside these but had adverse reaction. So now considering another type of med and/or double doses of current one.

“Hates being treated like an invalid” is an obvious lie as he loves being treated as an invalid by you. He loves having a permanent nurse at his beck and call. Certainly he refuses care when it is provided professionally or when he would be treated like anyone else.

And if he had a decent sleep he wouldn’t be smoking so much…. Which is doing nothing to help his elevated blood pressure.

Certainly he refuses care when it is provided professionally or when he would be treated like anyone else

Or when an HCP would make it clear that he doesn't actually need the OP to be at his beck and call all day.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: OCPD (not OCD)

What are the symptoms of OCPD?The main sign of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a pervasive preoccupation (obsession) with order, perfectionism, control and specific ways of doing things. These behaviors make it difficult to complete tasks and cause issues with relationships.
Symptoms of OCPD usually begin by early adulthood.
A person with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) may:

• Be preoccupied with and insist on details, rules, lists, order and organization.
• Have perfectionism that interferes with completing tasks.
• Have excessive devotion to work and productivity. This results in neglecting hobbies and spending less time with loved ones.
• Have excessive doubt and indecisiveness.
• Use extreme caution to avoid what they perceive to be failure.
• Be rigid and stubborn in their beliefs and ways of doing things.
• Be unwilling to compromise.
• Be unwilling to throw out broken or worthless objects, even if they have no sentimental value.
• Have difficulty working with others or delegating tasks unless they agree to do things exactly as the person wants.
• Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief.
• Perceive everything as “black or white” (dichotomous thinking).
• Have difficulty coping with criticism.
• Over-focus on flaws in other people.

At a glance, people with OCPD usually appear confident, organized and high-achieving. Their exacting standards may even benefit them in certain jobs. However, their inability to compromise or change their behaviors usually negatively affects their relationships.

He sounds abusive.

These would both be quite typical indicators of being ND.
There is a huge difference between a manipulative, sinister controller and being ND however. His behaviour doesn't remind me of any of the many ND people I have known.
Dr. Ramani on YouTube is wonderful to listen to about narcisstic/ controlling partners. She is so warm and you learn so much just while washing the dishes.
Are you allowed to watch any shows or YouTube etc.? Or would that interfere with the open phoneline.

I think it's time you got ill. Ideally you'd just tell him you're taking a break for a week to reassess things, but obviously if you did that he'd suddenly be so very ill you'd have to relent. Time for you to catch something and need to sleep it off for a few days. Just turn your phone off and see how you feel without him breathing down your neck all the time, and also how he reacts. I'm a terrible lier, but there comes a point where it honestly is justified.

The only real difference here is he wants to do one and you want to do the other. Being fulfilled at your job and interacting with people are on many people’s list as critical for good mental health and happiness (both if which also Impact physical health) I really hope it’s fairly quick for you to put school visits back in. You can offer not to visit him for 3 days after if he’s uncomfortable. Or a month after if that’s what it takes, that would be a huge win if you’ve also realised you’re allowed to hang up the phones. Whatever it takes, you deserve a fulfilling job, and people in your life.

so, essentially, on a day-to-day basis, you’re dealing with hypertension. Which is so severe that he needs a daily GP call but not an escalation of antihypertensive meds (1-2 isn’t that much).

Unlike most people, where hypertension is largely asymptomatic, he is extremely and dramatically symptomatic when his BP spikes which it does A LOT.

When this happens there is All sorts of retching and groaning and drowsiness and the like. His BP is DANGEROUSLY HIGH when you don’t do what he wants. You need to soothe him for hours/days in case he DIES from this. And overall it’s best if you don’t upset him at all 🙄

Smoking and drinking sessions don’t cause his BP to spike, it’s mainly when you don’t do what he wants. The keeping him awake part is nonsensical but it stops you from getting engaged in other activities during your day (as much as you can having him on the phone for 16 hours)

is this about right?

The fear of CoViD I think is largely unrelated and secondary to pre existing, long standing health anxiety and OCD features.

Wow most of this describes him exactly. I wasn't aware of this condition.

The only thing that doesn't resonate is doubt and indecisiveness. He's the opposite of this I would say.

But it even describes how he goes about things, turning simple tasks into massive projects taking up excessive time and energy. It can be so exhausting.

I'm so uncomfortable with lying, especially when he would ask so many questions. If I got very ill, he would still call me constantly to see how I am, check I'm taking any meds, and would want the phone left on so he could check I'm ok.

And you can tell him that you don’t want the phone left on.

You’re allowed to have wants too. His wants do not trump yours.

And in that situation his wants definitely do not trump yours when it comes to your health.

The first time I confronted my then husband about his relationship with another woman he threw up and took to his bed for three days. He was also physically sick on other occasions when I called out his behaviour. Please be aware @cakedup that even if they are genuine symptoms for the abuser they are also used to manipulate you into doing what they want.