Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

in what way did any one else suffer by the boy having no top on?

Do tell me what other things "they" can do. Thanks.

@GreekDogRescue Restaurants weren’t closed down for YEARS?!

but where’s the “suffering”?

screaming child? yes that’s going to cause suffering to other diners

a child not wearing a t shirt in the same four walls of a restaurant as you… what’s the suffering?

Just as long as you don't have to see them while you're having your dinner....

It was never a nice situation, thankfully she grew out of it and normal restaurant service resumed.

i actually fell out with a friend as her ND son would only poop in his nappy standing on a chair. She allowed him to do this in nice restaurants and when I asked her to get him down as he was shouting I’m popping I’m pooping, she refused! I was mortified and never spoke to her again.

Now you and I both know that's not true: they let him keep his top off because it was the best solution... for THEM! Nothing to do with 'considering others' at all. This is just the reason they gave when challenged.

It wasn't a choice between top on and screaming, or top off and not screaming though. It's the responsibility of the parents to choose an appropriate place for their family, if their child refuses to keep clothes on then a restaurant isn't an appropriate location and they should leave.

I appreciate that means that they lose out on going to restaurants as a family, and that that must feel unfair, but they have to make adjustments for the reality of the situation they are in.

They can't expect the restaurant or the other diners to just accept any behaviour.

I don't see why it was an issue for a small boy to take his top off, whether autistic or not. He wasn't harming anyone.

Where do you draw the line with accommodations then? What is "allowed" and what isn't? Can someone please tell me because I really don't see what the harm is that has been done here and why the wee boy can't sit and eat topless
How about asking or warning?

If it was my child, assuming that the issue is that he can't eat with any tops on (although ok with trousers), and assuming that it is only when he eats as we would need to dress again to get out when cold, and that was always the case, the reasonable thing to have done is contact the restaurant in advance, explain the situation and asked if they could be seated somewhere quieter, maybe going earlier when not as busy.

As a society, it is important to include everyone in public as long it is safe. The restaurant should do everything to accommodate.

However, this doesn't mean a right to entitlement and expectations that the public should just tolerate what can be an unpleasant experience to them.

It's the entitlement here that caused the whole problem in this case.

A boy without a top would not bother me. Especially if I knew that he was autistic.

Well exactly. It's of no consequence, and would not affect my enjoyment in any way. Poor family.

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread.

🤔 Just because you say this doesn’t mean it’s true.

You what?
You can believe what you want but don’t project nonsense onto me, please.
An autistic meltdown is a far worse experience for everyone than a young boy without a top, other diners and family alike.

Whilst the decency and modesty of the child is important, I suspect the restaurant insisted on the child wearing a top for safety reasons.
One spill of a hot sauce or drink on a child's bare skin could be pretty catastrophic, so they absolutely were right to insist.
I wonder if that was explained to the parents? It should have been if it wasn't,

What were they "suffering"?

If that is the case, then they shouldn't allow anyone in a crop top with spaghetti straps or shorts either.

Exactly. Where’s the manners! Outrageous actually.

My concern would be hot food being spilled on his bare skin but other than that, there is ZERO harm to others by having an 8 year old be topless.

I have an autistic child - by being ''considerate'' of other people all the time, we'd be making our small world already a lot smaller. I always bring distractions i.e chewbuddies or what not but not all meltdowns are predictable unfortunately.

The public at large could stand to be more tolerant of children, disabled or not, being seen and heard.

I'd go so far to say that the current ''anti child'' sentiment currently, might be forcing parents to restrict their children so much as to be detrimental to their development.

Who the hell does want to see a topless child whilst they are eating? The problem with common decency is that unfortunately, it isn’t very common anymore!

Ditto.

Neither are compassion, tolerance, empathy, kindness, so it seems.

@exerciseshmexercise shorts aren't allowed in many places but that's normally a dress code thing.
However you're unlikely to spill something down you and it land on your own shoulders - so thin straps shouldn't be an issue

What if it were a 19 year old boy? Or a 45 year old woman? In no way is it about sexualising it but it is inappropriate.

But if I have a crop top with spaghetti straps on and someone spills stuff down my shoulders, spaghetti straps will not protect me in the slightest.

I disagree, I think common decency is involved in making allowances for neurodiverse or disabled people so they can take a full part in society even if there is a tiny cost to everyone else, far more than it is in covering up a child’s skin.

This.

to me this just shows that mum is probably exhausted from getting this reaction every time they go somewhere and didn’t attempt to put child’s top on because it will distress the child potentially leading to a (excuse my lack of a better term) meltdown. This isn’t going to benefit anyone.

I agree with children/bodies/privacy but i feel like this is an exception to the rule.

many places around the world don’t accept any disabilities or mental health issues etc so may not be clued up on how to deal with it and may be uneducated however what I would have done is said to mum is there anything we can do to make your experience easier for you? Mums probably just at the end of her tether