Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

And that would be a very reasonable adjustment that wouldn't even cost them anything.

I wouldn't be leaving a negative restaurant review and I believe people should dress appropriately when in public.
That differs from place to place of course, but I don't want people sat next to me in a nice restaurant with no top on. Male or female, adult or minor.
It sounds like the restaurant handled it as well as they could given the circumstances. If the family knew their son would be taking their top off to eat, they should have checked whether that was going to be an issue with the restaurant when booking or arriving.

So when does the parent of the 8 year old begin to enforce the rules if it won't be acceptable in a few years?

just clocked your user name 😔

@FixTheBone Nobody is allowed to eat in a restaurant topless. Maybe a beach cafe in summer but not anywhere else.
And what has being a wheelchair user got to do with it?
There is no disability I'm aware of where you are unable to cover your torso with some kind of fabric for a couple of hours?

This!

I do expect all other diners (children or adults) to be dressed in a restaurant).

I have an autistic child. I'm also autistic.

Where do you draw the line with accommodations then? What is "allowed" and what isn't? Can someone please tell me because I really don't see what the harm is that has been done here and why the wee boy can't sit and eat topless.

Is it not OK for me to keep a coat on? For my kid to have had ear defenders? To use a tablet or phone to self soothe? For me to bring crutches that people might trip over? Where is the line? Please can someone tell me.

It's not something that would have bothered me. I would have considered it to be a reasonable adjustment that would have allowed the boy (and his family) to use the restaurant's services.

I don't think it would have bothered me. I bet it happens a lot in hot countries, and even in Britain in the summer.

Um...autism?

Why on earth would they try to put his top on to appease others when they know he will have an autistic meltdown and be judged even more?

Because there are other people in the restaurant to consider, and it's not all about this one family. Bloody hell, entitled much?

Good point. Well made.

No reason for them to stop him them.

This! It's a restaurant. I don't want to see other diners without clothes!

There are days when I can't stand anything touching my leg due to nerve pain. I'd imagine there are similar nerve issues that might affect the torso. I wear shorts in the winter sometimes due to it and even the air on my leg is excruciatingly painful.

I have 2 ND children and I would have asked to sit outside or away from other people or possibly took his food as take out and gone to the car (I know these things may not have been possible) that said if I saw another child it wouldn't bother me and I would sympathise

Our issues are usually noise and hyperactivity and I would usually explain when I arrived and see if they could find the most suitable place to sit, away from others ideally

If it was a regular thing with the top off I would have possibly called ahead and explained to check how accommodating they seemed

Topless boy would not have bothered me as such but its not really appropriate in anything other than a beach cafe.

That's not how autism works. You can't just switch it on and off depending on other people's idea of what's appropriate.

A topless little boy in a restaurant wouldn't bother me and yeah, id probably ask the staff why they can't let him get on with it, he wasnt hurting anyone. Id say the same if he was neurotypical.

Disabled people deserve to participate in society too, and how will this child ever become more comfortable in a restaurant if he's never allowed in one because he might make some neurotypicals uncomfortable ?

But by avoiding the meltdown they are considering the other diners.

So many intolerant ableists out there and on here.

🥲

@exerciseshmexercise I understand that. My DH has terrible nerve damage so he wears shorts a lot too. But if you couldn't wear anything at all on your top half, would you expect to be accommodated in a restaurant?

Maybe the child has sensory issues and finds wearing clothes very uncomfortable. It's god damn hard being the parent of a child who is autistic & they probably chose the path of least resistance & just wanted to get through a meal in peace.
Their days are probably full of changing plans, walking on eggshells, making adjustments to try & have a 'normal' day for theirs & their child's sake.
The 'offended' diners/owners can carry on with day & be grateful for their 'normal' lives.

My daughter went through a screaming phase where she would literally stand and scream if she didn’t want to do something, especially sitting down in restaurant. We removed her from the situation every single time, I don’t want a child disturbing my experience so why should other people.

ND or not. This type of behaviour isn’t acceptable.

sounds awful

but that would be also awful for other beach goers, or at a swimming pool-side cafe or the park on a hot sunny day.

I'm an adult female. This is a pre-pubescent male child.

This child was doing nothing wrong - society has different standards for males and females, and adults vs children.

If I was wearing a spaghetti crop top, thin, with no bra, would you have complained about me?

Why should everyone else suffer?

Also, who said anything about locking ND people away? There are tons of other things they could do which wouldn’t trigger that type of reaction and where that type of behaviour wouldn’t disturb other customers.

I wouldn't be bothered. And I speak as someone who finds shirtless men really off-putting; but it wouldn't bother me with a kid.

Not conventional restaurant behaviour, but I'd give a very young and/or autistic child a break.