Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

Well I’ve for one at specialist school who is 13 and will prob never get to the dizzy heights of uni so I’m not as knowledgable or as good at dealing with autistic kids as you, we are still at the age where we are working on doing stuff but I just know if I didn’t go anyway as there was a chance my ds wouldn’t confirm to social norms we would never go anywhere.

No but if modesty is a cultural thing it could still well be seen as immodest or unseemly, but it’s unlawful to discriminate by asking them to leave. Just as it’s unlawful for them to discriminate against disabled people displaying behaviour which is a direct result of that disabilty.

So if it's a health and safety thing, then people like me shouldn't be allowed in restaurants either.

And somehow that's ok.

Some places do.

Breastfeeding has nothing to do with modesty though mothers from modest cultures feed their babies in public.

@MsFaversham but this place presumably didn't?

It wasn't The Ritz, it was an Indian "buffet" hardly fine dining

It’s not about fine dining though. It’s about appropriate dress and health and safety. I’ve worked as a waiter and have spilt hot liquid on a customer by accident. Luckily for him he was wearing a shirt so wasn’t hurt. Adults can assess their own risks. Children can’t.

So you would turn away anyone wearing a strappy top and shorts?

You would turn me away because I'm unstable on my feet?

@MsFaversham what about arms, legs etc, they would need to be covered because you know "health and safety"!

People can have all the compassion, tolerance, empathy and kindness in the world. That doesn't mean people should be able to do what they want, where they want, how they want. For a cohesive society, some rules need to be followed... by everyone.

The issue is the boy was partially naked in a restaurant. This is not remotely comparable to a child wearing ear defenders.

Obviously. 🙄

How is it not? What harm was it doing?

I honestly couldn't get worked up about a child with no top on, particularly if they behaving otherwise. And especially if they were autistic. But I don't think the mother should have asked you to leave a negative review. That's the bit I think was unreasonable

This has to be one of the most refreshingly honest and sensible posts I've read on here this year.

Great post! 👏👏

A small kid eating in a restaurant with no top on wouldn't bother me in the slightest, especially if it was down to sensory needs.

The parents know their kid best. If that was me and the restaurant had insisted despite my warning of the consequences I'd want to put the top on my kid and sit back and watch the show!

They'd soon be begging for it to stop if that was my kid. He can scream for 1-3 hours when he's in an autistic meltdown. They'd have no customers left! Plus there'd be no way for us to be able to leave once he starts. His eyes glaze over, it's like they change colour and there's no getting through to him. He's totally zoned out! If you try to touch him, it just makes him scream louder and the meltdown goes on for longer.

Then I'd be like 'don't say I didn't warn you'...

@EggsBenedick has asked you politely if you could stop this line of questioning. You should probably leave her alone now.

I agree with this. If DC can't leave his clothes on then either the parents should not have taken him there or one of them should have taken him out whilst other ate then swap over. I'd not be leaving a bad review. Especially as the restaurant staff were perfectly polite.

Hypothetical question..

if this child had been a girl, would that change your response?

a topless female autistic 8 year old eating in a restaurant?

if so why? If a male child can’t wear a top because of sensory issues, why would a girl be expected to?

It wasn’t my restaurant, not my rules.

Totally missing the point. Can you imagine the furore if the child was scalded or burnt from food being spilt on them accidentally. Seriously the restaurant can’t do right for wrong.

Saved me saying it...as a fellow food business owner. You can have your establishment rules for customers dress but they aren't based in liability. Staff are another matter cos you do have responsibility for their safety regards spills, drips & burns.

I'd wager more of this boys body was covered than a woman in a short skirt & strappy top.

How often do ppl really think food etc is spilled ON customers?! It's rocking-horse shit rare

@Jumpingthruhoops @EggsBenedick did not asked politely, hence the deleted post!

There have been multiple posters trolling the op relentlessly. No wonder she snapped. Then a poster pops on to goad her further by admitting that there is targeted trolling from other forums. All very nasty, MN need to look into that.

My youngest (also autistic) does this. He just finds the clothes a sensory nightmare, he’s one of those naked kids lol. I just accept that we have to leave most places.