Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

I understood your sarcasm immediately and get where it comes from.

We are faced everywhere with intolerant people who claim to be tolerant yet impose their 'social norms' on everyone without considering why some may struggle.

And all the 'my ASD child/DH doesn't do this' - have you heard the expression 'if you've met one child/adult with ASD, you've met one child/adult with ASD'.

I think it’s seen an unhygienic for the top to be off

Where do you draw the line? Supposing it was a girl.

I wouldn't have batted an eye, my own autistic child has stopped stripping off inappropriately, but spent a year or so with one of those zip up at the back swimsuits in his schoolbag so that his teachers could put him in it if he started stripping. He came home in it most days.

It's fucking hard to have to not do ordinary family things and have that impact your NT kids, who already get less attention than they otherwise would. It's hard when strangers are telling you to do something "simple" like putting your kid's top back on when you know that doing that could lead to a loud, destructive meltdown that that same stranger will also expect you to stop.

Wrong!

GB service providers are covered by the Equality Act 2010.https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/equality-act-guidance/disability-quick-start-guide-for-service-providers-html

@EggsBenedick

I think 🤔 the Indian cuisine restaurant has a standard, a social etiquette of how people should behave be like,

People go to these places and spend extra money in resturants,

for the experince which obviously includes standards of the restaurant,
decor and the way resturant staff conduct themselves,

The autustic child parents should have tried to make an effort to put his t shirt at least,

sometimes or occasionally in life we have to do things we don't allways relish enjoy,

That's just way it is in life, !

If autustic spectrum child or parents can't cope with this,
i think 🤔 it be better for them to go to more child friendly cafes or resturants instead,
for the time being,
until they can teach their child that in certain places, or and occasions,
you can't just take off your clothes whenever you feel like it,

Just like if this family attended a funeral wake, or a family christening ect,

Good to hear this place, restaurant has standards too,

if this restaurant was nearby?

i would tempted to call in and try out this restaurant food for myself too,

see if it's any good,
as love trying out new restaurants ..

Why ? 🤣🤣

Oh the old "the parents should have tried harder".

Coz that's exactly how it works.

You clearly have absolutely no experience of Autism.

This.

He was eight. Same goes.

Yep of course, you just say "no"!

That'll sort it!

The lack of understanding here is shocking!

Women breastfeed in restaurants. Women wear teeny tops, some of which might as well just be bras in restaurants.

Why is this child's torso and nipples more unhygienic?

But we don’t know their starting point. Maybe before now the child always wanted to eat or always be compltely naked so they’ve never been out to restaurants. Maybe they’ve been working on it for years and he’ll now wear clothes so they’ve felt confident enough to come out to a restaurant for the first time in years but the additional sensory pressures of the noise, smells etc in the restaurant have added to the sensory pressure of clothing and something has had to give. It may actually be a massive step forward on the road to him eating fully clothed in a restaurant by time he is teenager

The act prevents people tearing those with a disability less favorable.

All patrons are expected to cover up - that’s what happens in restaurants.

They aren’t excluding him or his disability from eating.

They have standards they expect everyone to follow.

I don’t think the parents are doing him any favors. A disability isn’t an excuse to isolate or indulge.

They could have a takeaway of the child needs to be topless.

I've seen a lot worse

@CammyChameleon I agree, I was laughing at the PP saying it was "unhygienic", what a ridiculous statement!

I have an autistic son the same age.

Honestly, I would have just removed him. There are places we don't go and things we don't do to accommodate his needs. That's just how it is.

What I don't do is expect everyone else to accommodate his needs. My son is not everyone else's 'problem'

My son needs to live in this world and that means following rules. If he doesnt' want to follow them at 9 then there are repercussions (ie we leave) because I don't want him turning into a 25 yr old in a restaurant without a top on or worst his trousers.

There was actually a lady on the TV this morning saying that her autistic daughter was asked to move to the back of the bus because she was stimming (humming loudly ) behind the bus driver and it was distracting. Honestly - I 'm was with the bus driver. It's about safety.

in this case, it's about appropriate health and safety in a restaurant.

Then start with a chain restaurant and build up.

The parents are in the wrong. They should have got the child to put a top on. If the child reacted badly then they get up and leave.

You can't give a child a green light to remove their clothing in public whenever they want.

I would 100% be backing the staff.

There's loads of assumptions on here. Assuming the child could be trained. We don't know how his diability affects him or his ability to learn. Perhaps he has the mental facility of a 2 year old and would throw a massive meltdown if shirt was tried to put back on. Perhaps he is dressed most of the time. It's a snap shot

@Noyesnoyes apologies, I blanked on the fact I was quoting you quoting someone else lol.

@Arconialiving

can you attempt to explain why?

I don't understand the issue?

especially with a little boy, shirtless.

A private restaurant absolutely cannot place its’ own restrictions on its’ clientele. It has to follow the law - in this case the Equality Act 2010. If this boys’ behaviour was even in part due to disability, asking them to leave is discrimination - pure and simple. Just as a private restaurant, or private anything else for that matter can’t discriminate against disabled people for the ‘comfort’ of their able bodied clientele. If your assertion is that the ‘sufficient places the child can eat out’ should be making reasonable accommodations, then it follows that this restaurant should be doing the same thing. Or do you think disabled people should be subject to a prescribed list of places it’s acceptable for them to go to ?